


The Way Out (Explicit Consent Version)

by evilgrrl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Biting, Depression, Dominant Kylo Ren, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional and verbal abuse by Snoke, F/M, HEA, Hurt/Comfort, Knifeplay, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, Light Masochism, Light Sadism, Marking, Original Character(s), Possessive Sex, Role Reversal, Snoke telepathicly abuses Kylo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 06:00:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 49,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16382729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilgrrl/pseuds/evilgrrl
Summary: The other version of this story has implied consent in the first chapter, but I wanted to make a version in which the consent was clear and explicit.The original work has the same title, but the words "(non consensual)" after it. If you would like to read that version, look for the words "inspired by" in the notes, which links to it.* * *Rey is not in this AU. I love her, but she's not submissive, and I needed a submissive character for this story.* * *This story starts during The Force Awakens, when Kylo asks Lor San Tekka for a map to the planet where Luke Skywalker has isolated himself. When Kylo fails to get it, he orders all the villagers killed, which is where the story diverges. In this version, a young woman named Sara offers to help Kylo find the map, but only if he will spare the villagers.He takes her to his ship with only one thing in mind. But when she seems to understand him better than anyone else, he realizes he's starting to care for her.





	1. Jakku

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Way Out (dubious consent version)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14733605) by [evilgrrl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilgrrl/pseuds/evilgrrl). 



> The first chapter of this story has a scene which only had implied consent in the original story. 
> 
> In this one, consent is clear and explicit. 
> 
> The original work has the same title but the words (non consensual) after it. If you would like to read that version, look for the words "inspired by" in the notes, which links to it. There should be a link right above this box. It's not a rape, but it might be disturbing to some people.

Sara didn't like Jakku. That wasn't surprising. Most people there didn't like it. If you were on Jakku, there was probably a reason for it, and it wasn't a pleasant one. No one came to Jakku for the beautiful scenery or temperate weather, of which there was none. It was home to some of the poorest people in the galaxy: scavengers and slave masters, subsistence farmers, thugs and thieves.

Sara was there for a reason, too, and it was an important one. The Resistance needed her there. Jakku was a funnel for the steady stream of refugees from the First Order who were seeking new lives. People required new credentials to start new lives, and Sara was very good at creating those credentials. They were fakes, of course, but they were very good fakes.

Sara had been in the village, Tuanal, near Kelvin Ravine, for several months. She wasn't sure why, but it seemed a little more peaceful than the rest of Jakku. 

She had noticed a pattern though. When someone objectionable showed up in the village, Lor San Tekka tended to befriend them immediately, and, within a couple of weeks, the newcomer had decided the village would not be very profitable for them. 

There were never any hard feelings, and they remained on good terms with Tekka when they left. Sometimes Tekka was even able to get information the Resistance needed from them. Sometimes he used them as third parties to acquire much needed resources. He usually stayed in touch with the ones who seemed more useful.

It had been a long one for Sara. The Resistance had helped the villagers gather up their possessions to leave. The decision to evacuate had been a hard one to make, since there was no firm evidence of a threat to Tuanal. But Tekka had heard chatter that the First Order was on its way, and staying would be virtual suicide.

Still, some of villagers refused to leave. Several were elderly and wouldn't leave their homes, especially for an arduous journey across the desert. A few had disabled family members who physically couldn't leave, so they were not going to evacuate either. Some were just too stubborn to be pushed around. 

The Resistance had ordered a number of its operatives to stay there, even though it put their lives in danger. Sara did not know what possible reason there could be for that, but she had been told to wait there, so she did. The Resistance had become her family.

Sara was to provide security for those staying behind in hiding. They had rigged up camouflage for a small disabled ship that was mostly hidden by sand already, and stationed her just inside the entrance. The people who couldn't – or wouldn't – leave were down in the ship, as were some of the Resistance. Sara had been told to shoot at anyone who came too close.

Lor San Tekka himself refused to leave. He was the reason the First Order was on its way. He and something he possessed, a data storage unit that contained some sort of map, was Sara's understanding. Why the First Order wanted the map, or what it was a map to was above Sara's pay grade.

Tekka could have bugged out, taken one of the few interplanetary craft remaining and gotten away before the First Order arrived. But he wouldn't. He said he'd lived long enough, and that he still had a chance to make a difference if he stayed. Sara couldn't understand why he didn't just hide what the First Order wanted, or simply destroy it, but again, that kind of strategy was not in her job description. She suspected it was because of the First Order's nasty habit of destroying things when they didn't get what they wanted. 

First Order ships were already arriving. Those who had stayed had gathered up such weapons as they had on hand: axes, shovels, maces and the occasional blaster rifle. Sara herself owned an ancient blaster that had, in fact, been able to fire when they had tested it the previous day. 

The Resistance was out numbered, out gunned and outclassed, and they knew it. But they hoped to prevent the storm troopers from going after those who had already fled. If the soldiers didn't find what they were looking for, it would not be out of the question for them to raze the village, sift through the ashes and then hunt down the villagers who had escaped. 

Sara was already tired. The First Order ships had landed fairly close, and their numbers seemed overwhelming. So much so that even if the entire population of the village had stayed behind armed with modern, functional weapons, they still would have had no chance against the invaders.

Sara tried not to look at the bodies of the people who had been slain. If she thought about them too much, she might lose her cool, which would probably get her killed.

Some of the remaining occupants - both Resistance and natives - began surrendering in twos and threes. Sara stayed calm. Even if all of them were wiped out, the disabled and elders below her in the ship would still be all right as long as they weren't found by the storm troopers. 

Some of those who had escaped would be back in a day or two, and might be able to help them. Help them do what, she didn't know, because the entire village was being decimated. The troopers were setting all the buildings on fire. Nothing would be left for those who had stayed behind.

The battle seemed to continue for a long time. Sara heard explosions from the far side of the village where the school had been, and smoke roiled the air. She used a little bit of her water to wet the bottom of her shift and put it over her mouth to keep from coughing.

Eventually all the remaining defenders were rounded up by the First Order and herded into the village circle. Sara could hear a woman crying. Spotlights slashed through the darkness, and sparks from the fires were flying everywhere.

Sara heard a loud hiss, a ship landing. She couldn't see it, but it sounded different than the others. Scanning the direction it came from, she couldn't see anything, until a tall, dark figure strode through the smoke into view. Her eyes could barely make out the figure in silhouette against the light behind it. It was heading directly toward Lor San Tekka, held in the circle with the other survivors.

Eventually the lone figure stepped into the light, and Sara understood why it had seemed so hard to see. Unlike the storm troopers, the tall warrior was completely covered in black, complete with hood over some kind of helmet or mask. The person transfixed her completely, stopping in front of Lor San Tekka, who had been brought forward by two storm troopers.

A strange mechanized voice came from the masked figure, and Sara decided it was male.

“Look how old you've become.” The voice sounded sardonic, but Sara thought it was actually very angry underneath.

Tekka seemed unphased. He spoke loudly enough for Sara to hear. “Something far worse has happened to you.”

They knew each other then.

“Don't turn a simple transaction into a tragedy for these people,” the dark man countered, indicating those gathered. The words were neutral, but his voice sounded sinister behind the mechanical distortion. “Hasn't your presence here done enough for them already? You know what I've come for.”

“I know where you come from. Before you called yourself Kylo Ren.”

Ren himself continued undeterred. “The map to Skywalker. We know you've found it. And now you're going to give it to the First Order.”

Tekka kept his dignity and seemed unafraid. “The First Order rose from the Dark Side. You did not.”

It seemed to make the man, Ren, even more angry. “I'll show you . . . the Dark side.”

“You may try,” Tekka answered bravely, “but you cannot deny the truth that is your family.”

Now the man sounded ironically amused. “You're so right.”

Suddenly he ignited what Sara realized was a red lightsaber and raised it high over his head. Tekka threw up his hands, but the dark man cut him down instantly.

Sara gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. That had not been the outcome she expected when they started to talk. How had the situation escalated that quickly?

Before the body had even hit the ground, new blaster fire sounded from her right.  
Lightsaber still ignited, Kylo Ren threw up a hand toward the energy blast coming toward him and stopped it in mid-air. Unbelievable. Nothing could do that.

She saw that the blast had come from the handsome pilot she had seen speaking with Tekka earlier. He froze in place as two storm troopers ran toward him, passing the glowing energy blast still hovering between him and Ren, its intended target.

One trooper hit the pilot in the stomach with the butt of his gun, and the pilot's stasis was broken as he doubled over in pain. The storm troopers grabbed him by the arms, and walked him past the suspended bolt, still sizzling with power, and the pilot stared at it with wonder.

When the troopers reached their leader, they forced the pilot down to his knees. He glared angrily as Ren squatted down to look him in the face. He studied the captive closely, tilting his head to the side.

Sara couldn't hear the pilot, but she heard incredulity in Ren's electronic voice as he said, “The old man gave it to you.” The pilot said something else she didn't catch before the leader gave the order to search him. The troopers pulled the man back to his feet and patted him down.

“Nothing, sir,” one of them reported.

The dark man had stood up as well. “Put him on board.” He watched as they took him away.

One storm trooper who was even taller than Ren approached. The trooper's armor gleamed bronze in the light of many fires burning and it was topped with some sort of cape. Sara could hear the big soldier's voice clearly, and was surprised to discover it was a woman. “The villagers, sir.”

A second of silence followed before the masked figure said, “Kill them all.” The storm troopers raised their weapons in anticipation, and those in their sights cried out in horror. Sara thought it would be unbearable for them to be killed now, for no reason.

Her body was in motion before she was aware she was moving. “No!” she yelled, running toward the officers. “No, don't! Please!”

The bronze woman didn't even look in her direction. “On my mark.”

“No!” Sara screamed. “Please!”

The man in charge, Ren, turned his head to look at her and raised one gloved hand to the female trooper. “Hold.”

Sara moved quickly over the uneven sand before she dropped to her knees in front of him and lay down her blaster. “Mercy! Please! Don't kill them!” she begged between gasps, panting.

There were black pits where the mask's eye holes should have been. She directed her plea to that blank darkness.

“I can help you. If you spare the villagers.” Her voice was hoarse, but clear. The man gave no indication he heard her.

“Please!” she implored again. “I'll help you get the map, if you let them live.”

The mention of the map evoked some interest from the cloaked figure. He stepped closer, his mask tilted down toward her. “What do you know?” The mechanical voice held no emotion.

“Promise to spare them first,” Sara insisted. She was getting her breath back now, but she was still wheezing.

“Tell me and I will,” he countered quickly, sounding menacing through the mask.

She didn't have time to evaluate the offer. “A droid has the map.” She was guessing, but she thought she was right.

“Really,” the man responded. It was supposed to be a question, but his flat tone made sound like a statement. “Let me see.” He raised a hand toward her and made a small grasping gesture. Sara tensed automatically. 

“Relax,” he instructed her. “The more you resist, the worse it will be.”

Sara didn't understand what he meant, but sure enough, streamers of pain began shooting through her mind. They went from painful to severe very quickly. 

Understanding what was happening on some level, Sara tried to relax as the man had told her to.

“What droid?” the man asked.

Sara's bowed head did not come up. She concentrated on breathing past the pain.

“I don't know,” she whispered, face contorted with effort. “The man you took. He knows. It's his droid.”

“The pilot,” the man specified.

The pain in her head was fading to mere discomfort as the man compared her answer to her thoughts and seemed satisfied. How she understood that, she didn't know.

She hoped it would be over then, but she still felt ghost fingers moving through her psyche. They swiped past the pilot and the droid, and started browsing around. Sara's level of pain increased again.

She felt Ren looking at memories of her time with the Resistance. Oddly, she found herself thinking of a past lover she had known on a former posting. Then another ex-boyfriend. The phantom hand paused, then delved deeper, the hurt intensifying yet again. After a moment or two, however, the agony of penetration began to change in nature, slowly sliding toward something else. Something almost . . . pleasant. The man had found something that interested him.

“Look at me, girl.”

Sara raised her eyes to him. He was watching her with a scary intensity.

“You,” the mechanized voice articulated. “You're . . . different.” 

Sara sensed some secret meaning under his words, like he wanted to talk to her privately about something.

He squatted down to her level. The phantom fingers moved slowly through her thoughts as the mask studied her. Then the man actually touched her face with his gloved hand, stroking her cheekbone. Sara felt an incomprehensible rush of relief and comfort.

“You and I could help each other,” Ren said, his voice diminishing to almost a whisper. His tone made it sound like a question. “I could give you what you need, but you'd have to do something for me.”

What she needed? What she needed was to go back in time and stay hidden instead of running out. She needed to disappear. She needed everything to be over. She had already told him about the map. What else did he want?

“Spare the villagers,” she pleaded again, trying to bring the conversation back to her objective. “Please.”

Still his hand cupped her cheek. “And if I do, you will do something for me?”

Sara was tired and frustrated. She gave in. “Yes! I'll do whatever you want.”

The masked figure seemed to be studying her. 

“And what if I want to take you home with me?”

“That would be fine,” Sara affirmed. 

“Good,” the man answered. “I need a wife.”

“Fine,” Sara agreed. She couldn't imagine he actually wanted to marry her, but maybe he meant that she would be his “wife of the month,” or whatever else people called it. It would still be worth it to save the lives of her friends. She was willing to die in their place if necessary. 

The gloved fingers stroked her face a moment more, then they and the ghost fingers withdrew at the same time. Now his hand was back at his side, fist clenched, and he was standing up. The mind probe was over. A bargain had been struck. Her body still tingled from the mental invasion. She felt light headed.

“Spare the villagers, Phasma,” Ren ordered distractedly. The burnished bronze woman turned to signal her troops. “Destroy all interplanetary transportation and communication devices,” the man continued. “As well as all weapons. Make sure they can't go anywhere or talk to anyone.”

“Very good,” Phasma confirmed in a cultured voice as her troops went to work.

Sara felt a sense of exaltation. She had done it. She had saved her friends.

But when she looked at their faces, she saw the truth. They had been willing to die to keep information about the droid and the map away from the First Order. She had just betrayed them, compromised the mission. Given aid to the enemy. Betrayed the trust of Lor San Tekka, who had died rather than tell this man what she had just blurted out. Shame descended on her like a shroud.

“And the girl?” Phasma asked, the deaths-head helmet looking Sara's way. Her soldiers were collecting communication devices from the remaining villagers.

“I'm taking her.”

Sara felt a strong hand on her bicep. “Stand up,” the hooded man said. His grip on her arm stayed tight after he helped haul her up. He began to walk away without even waiting for her to turn, making her stumble. The man didn't seem to notice, continuing his long strides forward, pulling her with him. She scrambled to catch up.

As her body lurched along, Sara's mind swayed dangerously, as if over a precipice. What had she done? She could never go back to the Resistance now. Never. She would be branded a traitor or a collaborator or worse. Her life was over.

They arrived at a First Order passenger shuttle. The man towed her up the silver boarding ramp, and the hatch shut behind them. It was dark inside, light pooling beneath various lamps and equipment.

Sara barely heard the orders the man issued to his crew. He pulled her to a closed door which opened with a wave of his hand. It shut again automatically after they entered, and they were alone in a dim private room. Its black interior faded into the shadows. Comfortable enough, Sara supposed, but mainly functional.

The man released Sara's arm. He unwound the cowl from around his neck, removed the thick belt, then shrugged out of his cape and hood, which fell to the floor. He went through the motions necessary to release the silver and black helmet he wore and removed it. All she could see at first was his hair, black and glossy, distinguishable mainly as a patch of darker black in front of the shadowy background. 

He set the helmet in its place on the counter, and sighed as he turned to face her.

“What am I going to do with you?” he asked, sounding bemused. His natural voice wasn't as deep as the mechanical voice, but it was warmer, richer.

Sara saw his face for the first time, and surprise and a little relief washed over her. He was not the old, disfigured creature she had imagined. He was, in fact, a well built, handsome young man with slightly uneven features and dark, enigmatic eyes. She read some kind of interest in her there. Maybe this wouldn't be bad. 

“I'm Kylo Ren. Of the Knights of Ren,” he began, in a parody of good manners: the words polite, but the tone almost sarcastic. “And you are?”

Sara swallowed. Her throat hurt from screaming earlier. “Sara Calla. Sir.” Should she look at him, or tilt her head down respectfully?

The man approached her, and lifted her chin so she was looking up at him. Eye contact, then. He towered over her imperiously.

“What are you doing on my ship, Sara Calla?” he asked. He sounded less caustic than before, but surely it was a rhetorical question. How would she know what she was doing there when he had brought her aboard? It had to be some kind of game.

Kylo Ren's manner relaxed into something easy and confident. He had an educated voice and a neutral expression, belying the explosive rage she had seen when he killed Lor San Tekka. 

He studied her face intently, searching for some evidence of her character there. As he did so, she studied his, and noticed small patches of green in his deep brown eyes; they were hazel, like her own. His skin was porcelain with a scattering of freckles and moles. He would have been attractive under other circumstances.

“Answer me.” His voice remained dispassionate, but commanding.

“I don't know, sir,” she mumbled, looking back down. Again the black gloved hand took hold of her chin and positioned her face where he wanted it. “Look at me when I talk to you, girl.”

“Yes, sir.” She couldn't face those intense eyes again though, so she watched his full lips form the words instead. His gloved hand remained on her cheek. It seemed almost uncomfortably intimate. “You said you needed a wife and I guess I volunteered.”

Now he seemed to be looking at her even more attentively than before. 

“I saw something in your mind, Sara Calla. Something of possible importance to me.”

He sounded like he was considering something.

She wished he would remove his hand from her face, and then he did.

”I don't mean the map,” he clarified.

He was so tall that he had to bend forward and lower his head to be nearer her face. “You and I have something in common, Sara. We could help each other.”

She heard a shushing noise as he removed his gloves, and his bare hand returned to her cheek, fingers caressing. It was as if he couldn't help himself, and that felt better than it should have. 

”We are the same in some ways,” he said, his voice softer. “You and I both . . .” he trailed off.

Abruptly the hand retreated and he stepped back. His voice and his demeanor changed. He became impersonal, commanding.

“I did say I needed a wife,” he admitted. “Consider us married then. This is our honeymoon. Why don't you get undressed now so we can get better acquainted.”

Sara nodded. She had known this was coming. Clumsily she pulled off her shoes and leggings, followed by her tunic and undershirt. He was leaning back against the counter, observing her. “All of it,” he specified. 

Feeling embarrassed, she slipped off her small clothes. They joined the rest in a pile on the floor.

The man seemed somewhat satisfied, and his face relaxed a fraction. Why was Sara surprised? It was better than him being angry with her.

“I want you to get down on all fours. Wife.” His voice was husky, quieter. His eyes looked larger than before, his interest growing. 

“Yes, sir,” Sara said as she complied. 

Kylo Ren had moved away from the counter. He retreated slowly until the backs of his legs hit a cushioned surface, and he lowered himself to sit on the padded bench, still watching her.

“Now crawl to me.”

Sara tossed her head to remove the hair from her eyes, and began to crawl. When she reached his feet, he leaned forward to look into her eyes.

“Kneel up.”

Sara pulled herself upright.

“Closer,” he murmured. When she shuffled forward between his legs, he leaned back into the couch.

“Undo me.”

She could breathe easy, now that what she expected was actually happening. It wasn't going to be bad. She had done this before. And yet . . . her hands were trembling. She'd never had a partner this demanding before. There was, however, a tiny part of her that liked what was going on. This man was powerful and physically well-built, both of which were a big turn on.

She stretched her hand toward the waistband of his pants, then glanced up to his eyes for confirmation. They urged her on soundlessly.

She clicked the button at the top of his pants, and the magnetic fly came apart. Almost without thinking, Sara leaned toward his body, then slipped her fingers into his small clothes. He was already hard.

“Take it out,” he told her, becoming almost eager.

She pulled the small clothes down until he was fully exposed. She wrapped her fingers around it, and the skin was soft, almost velvety. It slid on the shaft at her lightest touch. She heard him sigh.

“Take it in your mouth,” he said, but the words sounded less like a command, and more like an appeal.

She lowered herself to the head of his cock, noticing a little liquid seeping from the slit. She licked it up slowly and delicately, then slid her mouth around the head. Something in her filed away the taste of him, sweet and salty, sweeter than she had tasted before.

“Suck it.” His whisper was almost a plea. He was simultaneously ordering and begging her.

She took more of him into her mouth, then sucked him softly. He groaned and it sounded like relief. She made her lips glide smoothly, opening her jaw wide, swallowing as she went, her tongue cradling his shaft. She used her fist around him as an extension of her lips.

A big hand came to rest gently on the back of her head. He stroked her hair a moment before his hand tightened a little, holding her head more securely. As she lowered her mouth on him further and further, she began to be aware of his smell, slightly sweaty, but clean. A little musky. His pubic hair was as black as the hair on his head, but short. He kept it trimmed, apparently.

“Harder,” he whispered.

Sara began to move up and down on his cock, her lips sealed firmly to his skin, increasing the pressure. She lowered her hands to his balls, which were beginning to firm up with his arousal. She stroked them and heard him gasp. The hand on her head implored her without force, but his desire was clear. 

“Make me come,” he murmured.

Sara increased her speed, and sucked on the smooth skin a little harder. Gradually she took more and more of him into her mouth until her lips almost reached his flat belly. His cock tasted of that sweet pre-come again. The tip of it kissed the back of her throat, no more, and she swallowed to avoid gagging. 

The fingers on her head began to weave themselves through her hair as Kylo Ren went deeper under her spell. She repeated the movement that allowed the cockhead to touch the inside of her throat, and his hips jerked slightly. 

She heard him whisper, “Oh, god,” and felt his fingers tighten. He was trying not to thrust himself into her mouth, to just enjoy what she was doing, but it was too much for him. One, two, three times he pushed as far as he could, then went still. Sara felt him come, and kept swallowing. She had done this before. 

The man groaned again and relaxed. Sara slipped up off of his cock, pausing at the tip to lap up the remaining semen, at which point he twitched again and seemed to experience an echo of his orgasm. Sara was gratified that she had been able to take him to that point, been able to exert some form of control over him.

The fingers in her hair eased, and the pressure of his hand lessened. He stroked her head almost affectionately, sprawled against the back of the seat.

“Good girl.” His voice was breathy, soft and satisfied.

She felt words rising to her lips that she had never said to a man before and spoke them without thinking, “Yes, Daddy.”

“Very good,” he murmured approvingly, as he tucked himself back in, fastened his pants and sat up. His small smile brought her more pleasure than she would have imagined.

“I knew it,” he said, sounding happy as he ran his hand down her shoulder. “You're like me.”

He patted the cushioned space next to him. “Sit.”

She got up gingerly, then lowered herself to the place he had indicated. She was oddly aware of her nudity, and how the material of the cushion scratched her bare butt.

Kylo took her hand, but said nothing.

Sara had always found it difficult to control her impulsiveness. She should be quiet and just enjoy the silence. But she didn't.

“Have you done this with a lot of girls? Brought them back here?” she asked, trying to keep her voice properly submissive.

Kylo's head fell back to rest against the wall behind him. He blew air out of his mouth in a way that suggested he was trying to think before he answered. “I haven't,” he confessed.

She looked at him sharply, finding that hard to believe. “I'm your first “wife?”

“I was tempted once or twice before, but I knew better.”

But now you don't? she thought, but didn't say.

“I haven't come across any girls like you before.”

His informal manner allowed her to relax and release a little of her tension. He didn't seem troubled by her questions.

“What do you mean?'” she asked. “A woman who will give you oral sex?”

He lifted his head and looked at her, slightly incredulous. “You know, like us.”

She shook her head. “I don't understand what you mean.”

He was surprisingly appealing like this, relaxed and casual. In this state, she actually found him to be engaging and nice-looking, with his slightly upturned eyes, dark wavy hair and beautiful, full lips. 

“I saw it when I looked into your mind. You like the same things I do. You enjoy pain,” he explained, as if it should be obvious. 

Sara was startled. What, exactly, had he seen in her mind to make him think that? She had been thinking about old lovers, but. . .

With his eyes watching hers, he reached out and wrapped one large hand around her throat. He didn't exert any pressure, but his fingers were strong. The feel of his hand there -- intimate, powerful -- gave her a pleasurable little jolt.

She did not see him extend his other hand and give her nipple a pinch. She made a small noise involuntarily and jumped. She had become suddenly aware of her body, of her arousal. She noticed that she was wet, and had been wet for some time. 

His fingers slid slowly from her throat to the nape of her neck. He reached up into her hair, made a fist and pulled. Now that he had control of her head, he turned it aside, leaned forward and bit firmly into her neck. A small whimper came out of her lips, but that was all. It wasn't very painful, just intense. 

She noticed that his other hand had cupped her sex. He had to know how excited she was, how wet. In fact, one finger began to stroke her labia. She was embarrassed, but the realization produced a little thrill nonetheless.

After a few seconds, his teeth withdrew from her neck and his mouth began to suck the skin of her neck instead, hard. His finger continued to pet her lower down. When she started to feel like she couldn't stand it any more, she shuddered into a small orgasm.

He stopped sucking, but did not remove his lips from her neck. She felt him smile. “Like us,” he repeated, his voice vibrating against her skin. Then he gently released her hair, smoothing it back into place. “Someone who likes pain.”

She started to protest, but felt as if she couldn't. The evidence against her was too strong. Her reaction to what he had done was too much proof to ignore. He had judged her quite well, it turned out. He had known just what to do, and how she would respond. It was hard to believe.

Sara had never thought of herself as someone who liked pain. She knew her tastes were not completely . . . conventional, but masochistic was not a word she would have used to describe herself.

Yes, she liked powerful partners. And it was true she sometimes she liked to massage her own bruises, and that she took showers hot enough to scald.

But the way she had reacted to Kylo's dominance was unprecedented. The rest of the world had disappeared when he put his hand around her throat. She had been stimulated by the orders he had given her, by the way he enjoyed humbling her, his look of hunger as he watched her crawl to him. His pleasure had become hers when she heard the sounds he made while she sucked him. She had controlled him through her ability to inflame his lust. When she made him come, she had triumphed.

Then he had made her come by hurting her. She told herself she had orgasmed from the friction on her labia, but she knew she was fooling herself with that explanation.

Where had the words, “Yes, Daddy” come from? In the past, she had been revolted when she heard couples call each other by those sorts of names. But the words had fallen from her mouth easily, instinctively. And he had looked pleased.

Shame overcame her. She had sexually pleasured someone she had just met, and she had done it with her mouth. She had enjoyed pulling a groan from him, had liked the way he got hard for her. She knew he was a dangerous man, but she didn't seem to be in any danger. Still, he had killed Lor San Tekka. He was dangerous, and she would have to be careful.


	2. The Cell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren leaves Sara in a holding cell and she becomes depressed. He has to pick up the pieces when he takes her home.

The shuttle trip from Jakku didn't take long. Before Sara knew it, the intercom announced that they were approaching the Finalizer.

Kylo's relaxed familiarity drifted away. He was all business again.

“Get dressed,” he told her as he gathered up the clothing he had taken off. “Then come help me with this.”

Sara put on her own clothes quickly, then moved to assist him. His black cloak was both heavy and bulky, and she could see why he needed a hand with it. She found the stiff leather belt and threaded it through the loops around his waist, then buckled it. Lastly, she wrapped the cowl around his neck and shoulders.

He had retrieved his mask and put it on while she worked. Now he bent down so she could put up his hood. He looked formidable again, frightening, as he had on Jakku. A faceless soldier who had almost destroyed the village, instead of the man who told her something intimate about herself that she hadn't known before.

Kylo took her arm brusquely, no different than he had earlier. He marched her to the door, then down the ramp when it opened. His small crew stayed on board, but he was met and followed by a company of storm troopers in their traditional white armor. She could hear the thud of their boots behind her. The only person out of place in this parade was her.

They strode briskly though the landing bay and onto the body of the Finalizer proper. It was as dim as Kylo's shuttle had been, illuminated only by the side columns of light that ran down the walls. Sara was impressed by its dark elegance, and it was bigger than she could have imagined. The landing bay had seemed huge, but the ship itself was like a planet.

After only a couple of minutes of walking, Kylo turned to one of the doors that were recessed into the corridor wall. He spoke his code into the speaker box, and the door slid open silently. Inside was another slickly textured room, more spartan and brighter than the rest of the ship. Kylo nudged her inside.

“I'll be back for you,” was all he said. The door closed as soon as she was through it, before she could say anything or take a last look at her captor.

It was a holding cell. Despite Sara's illegal occupation, she had never seen one before, but she recognized what it was. The room was barren, the walls made from a black, sound-absorbing pattern. Glaring white light shown down from the ceiling, bright enough to prevent sleep. Not that Sara felt like sleeping. The room's only feature was an open durasteel toilet. Sara settled herself on the cold floor with her back against the wall to wait.

She didn't know what she had gotten herself into.

Her situation was dire, she knew that. And she couldn't think of a time when she had felt worse. The death of her parents - the only family she had - had been very, very bad, but this was a nightmare. She had known she would get through her grief and depression after they died, and return to being herself again. People always did. And everyone died. It was just part of life. This, however, she had no road map for.

Sara didn't know what to make of Kylo Ren either. He had been terrifying on Tuanal, and he had ordered the deaths of all the villagers. And if she hadn't begged, he would have had them killed.

After they'd had sex, he had disarmed her with his casual manner and some degree of intimacy, but she had to keep in mind who she was dealing with. This was someone who would kill people as soon as look at them, and that included her. He wasn't a kindly old man like Lor San Tekka, who told entertaining stories and helped those less fortunate. A merciless young warlord was more like it. He would probably end up being the death of her.

Any future she could imagine seemed unendurable. If she was kept in this cell very long, she would go mad. But what else could there be for her besides imprisonment? A future as the whore of Kylo Ren? Scratch that; just one of his many whores probably. If she had the company of the other whores, it might be endurable, but being kept in solitary like this would be intolerable.

How had this happened?

But she knew how it had happened. She had betrayed her friends and the Resistance. Her mind turned to Tuanal on Jakku and her friends there, now dead, many of them.

Almost everyone in the Resistance had been so good to her. They had taken her in and made her feel safe and whole after she lost her mother and father. The people of the Resistance had made her feel like she was part of another family, something greater than herself and her own petty concerns. They made her feel useful, that she was doing something important. Instead of being a small time criminal forger, she had become a valued member of a movement.

Even though her assignments had taken her to new places on a regular basis, she was always welcomed and made comfortable. People almost invariably befriended her, showed her around, helped her get settled. She usually made friends quickly, and though she had to leave them periodically, she knew there would always be new ones, assuming the First Order didn't wipe out everyone.

The raid on Jakku was not her first encounter with the First Order. She had barely gotten away from one of their attacks a couple of years ago. She had been stationed in a rain forest area of a planet in the Doneldian System. It was a small operation, but a vital one. Defectors had been smuggled out right under the noses of the First Order. They were also able to help people who had information that could hurt the First Order. Sara had not enjoyed the stultifying humidity, but she had liked her coworkers. The people they rescued were desperate, and needed their help. Her team had been close-knit, and she had enjoyed their friendship. She had even been in a relationship for a time.

When the First Order conducted the raid, almost everyone from her operation had been killed or taken. Sara herself had been able to escape with a couple of the elders, and four of the children, but all the others had been wiped out. It was devastating. There hadn't been that many of them, but they had been important to her, kind, hard-working, generous people. And they had been doing good work.

The Resistance people had been executed on sight, and their buildings burned. If the forest surrounding them caught fire as well, too bad. It wasn't an important planet to the First Order anyway. The incident had drained her utterly. It had taken her months to recover. Her superiors had been patient with her, and allowed her to heal at her own pace before assigning her to another mission.

And how had she repaid their generosity? She had failed everyone who had been counting on her. She had betrayed the people who had taken her in, who had made her feel good about herself.

It would have been better if Sara had died there in the rain forest with the others, or had died on Jakku. She should have let the First Order kill her and everyone else rather than betray their cause. That's what they would have wanted. It was what they would have done. What she had done was unbelievably stupid. She deserved anything that Kylo Ren did to her, whether it was kill her or make her a whore. She would be better off dead.

 

Kylo Ren was angry at himself again. What had he been thinking? How could he possibly keep a girl secret on-board the Finalizer? Or anywhere else, for that matter? He was able to withhold almost nothing from Snoke, and he knew Snoke would not approve. He never did - since Kylo was incapable of doing anything right - but this would be worse than usual, probably a disaster.

Even if he had been able to prevent Snoke from reading the girl's presence in his mind, there would be talk. That fucker Hux would inform on him if nothing else. Hux, who had a wife already and seemed to be Snoke's Golden Boy. Maybe if Kylo had been able to do something right, he would be entitled to a woman as well.

He doubted it though. Even though Snoke opposed the Jedi and the Sith, he ruthlessly applied their rules of non-attachment to Kylo. He was occasionally able to enjoy some camaraderie with the other Knights of Ren, but he usually preferred to position them as allies in strategic positions throughout the galaxy, which far outweighed the pleasure of their company. His survival depended on it.

Kylo's mind raced to come up with a solution. He couldn't keep knowledge of the girl from Snoke, but it was possible he could shield his mind a little, code his thoughts of her so that Snoke wouldn't really examine them. How could he do it? He couldn't think of her as a wife. Or a company sex worker. It would be unbearable to think of her with other men. He would not share her, and he couldn't even imagine doing so. She couldn't be camouflaged as a storm trooper or plugged into some desk position. She didn't have the training, and he didn't have the time to get it for her.

Kylo tugged at his hood. He was walking so quickly that it was blowing back from his mask, despite the weights and magnetic clasps that were supposed to keep it in place. His clothes looked magnificent. They protected him very well from the elements and from unexpected attacks on his life, and they weren't even very uncomfortable. They were, however, damnably hard to put on and take off. And the wardrobe droids were next to useless.

Kylo wanted to keep looking for a solution to the problem of the girl, but he had enough awareness of his own mental processes to recognize that this odd thread of thought about his clothing might be leading somewhere useful. He followed it to its conclusion.

Yes, a body slave. He could say he had taken the girl to be his body slave. He could say she would help him with his clothes and relieve him of his sexual urges with no attachment. Perhaps such a position would even be within the bounds of Snoke's rules. Kylo did not acknowledge - even to himself - that he wanted more from the girl than the physical release of sex. He could not admit the need for a friend.

Could he possibly put one over on Snoke? It was worth a try. What was the worst that could happen? Snoke could execute her in front of him, then kill him slowly and painfully. Well, sure, that could happen, but a painful death at Snoke's hands was a possibility every day. The relief of her company and the chance that he could achieve some sort of real satisfaction with her, even temporarily, would be worth it. It would be sheer hell to see Snoke kill her, but her life was forfeit now anyway. As was his, of course. It had been since he accepted Snoke's offer.

Kylo reshaped his thoughts quickly. He placed the girl behind a shield in his mind, and substituted in her place a golem, a creature that looked like the girl and moved like the girl, but with no personality, a blank slate. A robot, almost, if those had not been forbidden. Yes, this representation of the girl would look like an efficient servant, but one devoid of humanity.

Perhaps he could even convince the Supreme Leader that she was mentally deficient in some way. No, that wouldn't work. The girl was Force sensitive already, and if Snoke ever caught a glimpse of her mind, he would know Kylo was deceiving him. Better to make Snoke believe the girl hated him for destroying her Resistance friends. It was uncomfortably close to the truth. But she had been submissive so far, and he hoped she would continue to be.

Yes, the golem would work; to Snoke, she would look like a girl Kylo could play with and fuck, but without emotional consequence. She would take on the role of a scape goat, someone he could punish safely instead of Hux and all the incompetent First Order operatives that incurred his wrath. It would not seem out of character. Now he just had to make Snoke believe it.

Unfortunately, General Hux was already in Snoke's reception room when Kylo got there. Snoke himself was aboard the Supremacy; he only holo projected himself to his underlings here on the Finalizer. But his image was larger even than the 8-foot-tall being himself and just as frightening. His punishments were as painful as they were in person, as he often demonstrated to Kylo. Kylo was betting, however, that the distance between them would help him disguise the girl.

The reception room itself was huge, in order to contain Snoke's enormous hologram and to convey the seriousness and importance of his presence to anyone unlucky enough to be there. Hux was already speaking when Kylo arrived, his obsequious, pissy voice getting on Kylo's nerves already.

“We are questioning the pilot now,” the orange haired man announced self-importantly. “He is being interrogated as we speak.”

“And the droid?” Snoke's image asked.

“We do not have them yet,” the general admitted, sounding determined, “but we will.”

“Yes,” the Supreme Leader agreed. “It is only a matter of time. If he does not break soon, Ren can question again him.”

Hux blanched, though he tried to hide it. His rivalry with Kylo was a sore point for both of them, much to Snoke's amusement. If his top officers were competing against each other, there would be no way for them to form an alliance against him.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux conceded. “And once we have the droid, we will have the map.”

“Indeed,” Snoke agreed vaguely, his voice echoing through the huge chamber. “Good work. You are dismissed.”

“Thank you, sir.” Hux snapped the words out as he turned to leave.

Snoke was silent until Hux had gone to address his apprentice. The Supreme Leader didn't mind waiting a little if it helped keep the men at each other's throats.

“Report,” the hologram ordered.

Kylo recounted what they had found on Jakku, the death of Lor San Tekka, and the pilot who must have hidden the map on the droid. He carefully kept his thoughts away from the girl. He assured himself it would work.

“Your failures continue to disappoint me, Ren,” Snoke sighed.

This was no surprise to Kylo, although he didn't understand how he could be held accountable for this whole mess. He hadn't had anything to do with the map getting to Tekka. He had wanted to start for Jakku earlier, but they had been forced to delay because of technical problems, which were neither Kylo's fault nor responsibility. If they had gotten there earlier, they might have been in time to retrieve the droid.

“We must acquire the map before the Resistance does, or the Jedi order may rise again,” Snoke droned.

“Yes, Master, but we are stronger than they are,” Kylo interjected. He detested being criticized again. “They are no real threat to us.”

“You know nothing, Kylo Ren,” the Supreme Leader sneered. “I had such high hopes for you when you joined me. But your grasp on the philosophies of your betters remains sadly lacking. Mouthing platitudes helps us not at all.”

Kylo felt anger bubbling beneath the surface. How could any of this be his fault? But he knew Snoke favored him, indulged him even, so if he was being berated, he must deserve it. Because Kylo's potential was so much more than anyone else's, his failings were that much more disappointing. He never lived up to anyone's expectations.

At least he hadn't received a jolt of Force lightening from Snoke yet, which had happened on more than one occasion when he forgot his place.

“Hux tells me you took a girl from the village.” Snoke looked expectantly at his student.

Of course he had, the sneak. Kylo despised him.

“Yes,” Kylo responded neutrally, carefully focusing on the golem of the girl, and not the girl herself. “She confirmed that the pilot's droid was in possession of the navigational chart.”

“So why take her with you, my young disciple? Surely you have access to enough girls on the ship to keep you sated.” His voice betrayed his disgust with physical pleasure.

Kylo pictured the girl as he had first seen her, screaming as she ran into the compound. That was an appropriate image to concentrate on.

His voice sounded defensive. “I needed sexual relief after the village. I'm tired of the girls here. They're always vying for favor and hoping to make me their patron. The girl was simpler.” He shrugged.

“Does she live still?” Smoke's voice was goading.

“Yes,” Kylo answered as if he had nothing to hide. The golem stayed front and center in his memory. “I'm not done with her yet. And I wanted to see if she could be of some other use before I disposed of her.”

“Such as?” Snoke's face held a certain inquisitiveness in it.

Here was where everything could come apart. Kylo must hide his real attempt to exploit his mentor behind the smokescreen of an unsophisticated effort. It would be a mental sleight of hand.

“A hostage exchange, perhaps?” Kylo ventured. “A test subject for new equipment? Or you could give her to the officers when I'm finished with her.”

Snoke looked suspiciously unconvinced.

“Perhaps some task that can't be done by a droid,” Kylo continued. “I find them completely inadequate in helping me dress.”

This was very delicate, to try to seem transparently manipulative to Snoke. It could be very dangerous. Kylo tried to remember to breath and present his normal appearance.

“Perhaps,” echoed Snoke.

He seemed to buy Kylo's presentation of an awkward effort to influence him, believing that Kylo's obvious suggestions were an attempt to keep the girl while making Snoke think it was his own idea. Snoke sounded resigned. “You may keep her for the time being, then. Until you ruin her as you do everything else.”

Snoke's comment about ruining everything found its mark, but Kylo tried to ignore it. “Yes, Supreme Leader,” Kylo said, a tad too eagerly, as if he were happy that Snoke had bought his pathetic attempt at taking advantage of him.

“Go finish the pilot,” Snoke intoned, looking repulsed. “You may return to your fun and games after you get the location of the droid.”

“Yes, Master.” Kylo hid his relief and merely bowed toward his mentor, then turned and left. His head was still on his shoulders and his mind was still intact. It was no small victory.

 

By the time Kylo had wrenched the location of the droid out of the pilot and reported it to Hux, he realized he had left the girl alone far longer than he had intended. It was a stupid mistake. She would be restive. He reminded himself that he needed to be more responsible now.

He took a moment to order some food sent to his chamber and some clothing that would be appropriate for the girl to wear here, then headed toward the holding cell to pick her up.

The girl was asleep on the floor, one hand over her eyes to block the light. She did not wake even when the door slid open and he entered, so he crouched down in front of her and took the opportunity to study her unaware.

She was pretty enough, but nothing special. Her red hair was probably her most striking feature. The face was pleasant, though not beautiful. Her body was a bit heavier than was currently in fashion, and she was abominably short, but she would do.

He was more interested in her mind, after all. He could fuck almost anyone he wanted, and inflict as much pain as he desired on prisoners, but he had never thought to find a female willing and eager for pain.

Some men became aroused when he interrogated them, and he could have satisfied himself with them if he had desired. But he had far fewer opportunities to interrogate women, and none of them had gotten aroused so far. He suspected this one would enjoy what he wanted to do to her and ask for more, once he had properly awakened that part of her.

And he liked the girl. He admired the bravery she had shown in the village, her cleverness in bargaining for the villagers' lives. She followed orders very well, and begged quite prettily. And the way she had thrown herself at his feet, surrendering to him utterly, was just delectable.

The girl was lying on the bare floor, her legs drawn up in front of her. Her face twitched slightly and she made an unhappy whine. Bad dreams, no doubt. Kylo knew all about those. He had them every night.

Presently the girl shook herself awake, and found him staring at her. She quickly sat up and tried to recover herself. He sensed a scrap of fear emanating from her, which was tantalizing.

“Come,” he said as he stood, and waited for her to stand and follow him.

He took her by the arm as he had earlier. He really ought to use the restraints, but it had been fun before to feel the little involuntary jerks of resistance she had made under his hand.

She wasn't resisting now though. In fact, she showed little sign of even being aware of her surroundings. Maybe she would be more reactive when she was more awake.

When Kylo reached his chambers, he noted with some satisfaction that the the clothes he had ordered had already arrived, although the food had not. He opened the door, picked up the package of clothing, and pulled the girl's arm to indicate she should step inside. She remained expressionless, eyes downcast as he walked her over to sit on the couch.

He went to his dressing area to remove his mask. He set it carefully in its usual spot, and began undressing. The girl would be helping him with this soon, but there was no need to overwhelm her now.

When his boots were off and he was down to his pants and under shirt, he turned back to the living room to see how she was doing.

She was still sitting where he had placed her, but now her cheeks were wet with tears. His heart gave a little jerk, and he came closer to examine her.

“What's wrong?” he asked. No reply. “You're crying.”

She wouldn't even look at him. Kylo was surprised that something like this had happened so quickly. He had seen it before when people were tortured, but she had been fine when he left her in the holding chamber.

He crouched down to put his face at her level. “Are you hurt? Are you sick?”

She managed to shake her head a little, but that was all.

Using the barest wisp of the Force, he looked into her mind again, as he had before, but much more gently. There was nothing wrong physically, but an active whirlpool of toxic emotions rampaged through her: guilt, shame, loneliness, depression, feelings of worthlessness. So like the feelings he had to push away from his own mind all too often. She was thinking about the Resistance friends she thought she had betrayed earlier and was judging herself harshly, even though she had saved their lives.

Kylo found it surprisingly distressing. He knew the way she felt, the listlessness that descended when you didn't want to live anymore. What had he done wrong for this to happen? He reproached himself for his stupidity and lack of sensitivity.

Then it occurred to him: this girl wasn't like the other people Kylo was used to dealing with. She wasn't a sex worker, or a soldier, or a politician. Or even a new toy, no matter how much it felt that way to him.

She was a just a girl, a girl who had seen her friends killed, then been taken somewhere completely unfamiliar, and imprisoned alone for hours. He had fucked everything up again, as usual. He loathed himself.

He tried to shake off his self-recrimination as a wave of compassion for her washed over him. He reached out and took her small hands in his. He had left her alone in an unfamiliar environment too long when she was probably traumatized to begin with. She had to be worried about what would happen to her. He was such an idiot for not realizing it before.

The words came to him unbidden. “Oh, baby, I am so sorry. Of course you aren't okay. I should have known better.”

The only part of her face that moved were her eyes, rising to look into his. The hopelessness he saw there hurt his heart.

He squeezed her hands gently. “What do you need to make you feel better?”

Some part of Kylo registered that he was acting out of character. He pushed that part away from him as far as he could. No one was here to see whether he was acting in character or not. He didn't have to perform. All that was important was saving the girl.

“I don't know,” she muttered. At least now she was speaking, though, and looking at him. She was responsive.

“Let's let you lay down,” he said as he moved to help her. Her skin was cold to the touch. She was freezing, in fact. He grabbed a blanket from the closet and returned to cover her with it.

“I could lay down with you,” he offered. “I could hold you. It would warm you up.”

She blinked slowly as she considered. “Okay.” Her voice was small and sounded like it came from far away.

“Okay, then.” Kylo was relieved to have a course of action.

He stripped off the remains of his clothing quickly and let it fall to the floor. He lay down next to the girl on the wide couch and pulled the blanket up over both of them. He pulled her close and put his arms around her. She felt good there – right -- but there was still a little hollow feeling in his chest.

“I'm sorry I left you alone so long,” he said again and wondered at himself. Kylo Ren hadn't been sorry to anyone except Snoke in a long time. It was like some unknown part of him was waking up.

Then it occurred to him that he could be doing this better.

“Why don't you turn over, Sara,” he suggested softly. “Chest-to-chest contact is the best way to warm someone up.” Now that sounded more like the Kylo Ren he knew. Focused on getting things done, not feelings.

She rolled over obediently to face him. He grasped the hem of her shirt and gently pushed the fabric up to her armpits. Then pulled her into him, so they were skin to skin as much as possible. She seemed to relax a little, and he himself felt surprisingly better. That part of him that had been sleeping took over again, and he was telling her that everything was going to be all right, that he would take care of her, protect her. He would keep her safe. He would keep her.

The skin of her chest was smooth, but cold, her nipples hard against his chest. He wanted to put his hands on them, but now was not the time. He had to get her warm, make her feel better.

He matched his breathing to hers, entwined their legs together, and pulled her face against his shoulder.

Slowly he came to realize that she was clinging to him like she would fall if she let go. He still felt her tears on his skin, but both her body and her breath were warming up.

“It's okay now, Sara. I'm here. You can stay here with me. I'll keep you safe,” he repeated until she had stopped crying and her limbs had became less stiff. Instinctively he kissed her head and stroked her hair gently. Finally, she shifted a little so she could look up into his eyes.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, desperately hoping he had not ruined this beyond all hope of salvaging.

Her face was still a blotchy mess, but there was almost a slight smile on her lips.

“Better,” she said, and her voice was level and even again, if still quiet. Kylo relaxed a bit.

She looked back down at his chest, avoiding his eyes again. Why did she do that? “I'm sorry,” she said. “I was tired and upset and I got . . . overwhelmed.”

That had happened to Kylo too, back when he had been Ben Solo. The night when his uncle had tried to kill him, for example.

Most of the other padawans had taken Luke's side, assholes that they had been. He'd thought some of them had been his friends; if nothing else, his comrades. But Luke was lying under the rubble, thought to be dead, and most of them didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Even when Ben told them Luke wasn't dead, they still treated him like he was a murderer.

Since his uncle had attacked him, Ben obviously wanted to leave. The other students were going to detain him there until someone in authority came. They thought he had tried to kill Luke deliberately, and he wasn't going to get away with what he had done. No one had asked how Master Luke had happened to be in their sleeping hut, with his lightsaber ignited and raised. Ben saw the fear in their eyes, and he knew what that fear meant; if he tried to leave, they would kill him.

He had been tired, angry, confused and overwhelmed. He lost his temper. He had begun yelling at them that they were being stupid and the other boys yelled back, getting too close and being too loud. Finally, one of the bigger, older boys had reached out to poke Ben in the chest, and Ben had shoved him. Then suddenly everyone was fighting, and when it was done, only Ben and his friends were left standing, and not even all of them.

Ben himself had ended up killing several of the boys. In a way, it was his first experience with battle, although you didn't usually fight your own friends to the death. Apparently they hadn't really been his friends anyway.

He had been furious at the boy who had started it by trying to poke him. Ben felt a moment of vicious triumph as his lightsaber slashed the other boy's throat. All the other students seemed to expect it of him, and it felt like a relief to give in to the temptation at last.

Remorse followed soon afterwards, but he couldn't give in to that, or he would be the one dead soon. He had been forced into this, and he wasn't going to blame himself. Except, of course, that he did, unconsciously, where it could do the most harm.

That was when Ben had finally given up on being good and started to surrender to the Dark side. He used his own fear and pain and confusion to fuel his fighting, and his skills had outstripped his opponents by huge leaps. He experienced the real, unrestrained power of the Dark side for the first time. It was a heady feeling.

It was imperative that he escape. Ben's own family had betrayed him, exiled him, tried to kill him. The remains of the Jedi order and the Resistance would hunt him down for what they thought he had done – and his friends too -- when he had only been defending himself against Luke.

He and the other future Knights of Ren had tried to make it on their own on another world, but they couldn't. When Snoke offered help and protection, there had been no one else he could turn to. He had felt as desperate and hopeless then as this girl did now. And he had been just a kid. He hadn't been able to control himself then any better than she had tonight.

Again he felt the compassion she aroused in him, both for her and for himself. He might even feel some for the other padawans at the Academy who had wanted to kill him. He realized that they had been immature and confused as well. Maybe even his Uncle Luke. It was easy to let emotion take over and do something foolish.

“I understand,” he told her. “It's okay. It's okay to get overwhelmed. You've been through a lot tonight. I've put you through a lot.” The words I'm sorry tried to form in his mouth again, and he wouldn't let them. He wasn't sorry, not that he had taken her, not that she was here with him now, and not that he had made her his.

She didn't say anything, but the subtle smile was still on her face. He thought she was going to be all right.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I feel more calm now.”

Kylo's mind was eased, but he still felt a sense of surreality. He wasn't sure how he had gone from acquiring a sex partner to comforting this girl like a child. It wasn't supposed to be his job, he told himself. He didn't know how to do this. He couldn't be expected to. He was holding her in a way he could never recall being held, touching her the way he himself had not been touched for years. Easing her pain the way he wished someone would ease his. And it seemed to be working.

Her face was so close. He wanted to kiss her, but held himself back. Kissing was not completely unknown to him, but it felt like he would be risking rejection to try it now.

Kylo's mind returned to Luke's school and the few girls he had been training alongside the boys. The padawans had set aside Luke's injunctions against fun for one night to drink hard cider and play Spin the Bottle. Ben had kissed two of the girls, their lips parting, their tongues pulling away from his. He hadn't known how to feel about it. The girls had brushed their fingers through his dark hair and told him how pretty it was.

Some of the boys had taken the game further and put their hands on the girls' bodies, but Ben had restrained himself. He didn't want to feel awkward the next day when they resumed training together. Surely there would be plenty of time in the future to learn to make love. He didn't intend to be a Jedi. He had intended to get married and have a family.

He had been mistaken, though, and had kissed no one since then. Not any of the female students, all of whom had all taken Skywalker's side and been killed in the melee. None of the girls he had slept with since joining the First Order had ever tried to touch him that way, and he had not tried to kiss them either. Kissing was something lovers did. It was not for people who used each other coldly, the way they did here. He fucked well, but he never had learned to make love, nor to kiss. It was a source of sorrow to him.

Now, without thinking, he found himself kissing Sara's forehead, each eyelid, the cheeks with their tear streaks, and finally her soft, soft mouth. Gently, though, as gently has he had kissed her eyes. She did not return his kisses, but she did not pull away either.

The girl began to shift positions though, as if she would be up and about.

“Do you want to get up?” he asked her. “Maybe have something to eat?” He didn't know if she was hungry, but he was starving.

“Yeah,” she answered. “That would be good. Thank you.”

He let her sit up at her own pace while he stood and retrieved the food from the drawer. He usually limited himself to small, cold bites of protein, carbs and fats as indicated by his training program, but tonight he had ordered with her in mind, and the food was hot, tasty and plentiful.

She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and sat across the little table from him. After they started eating, he saw that her appetite was better than he would have guessed, and he was pleased he had been able to give her something she liked.

They ate quietly, the silence punctuated by Kylo's occasional comment about the food and whether she liked it. He tried to watch her surreptitiously, when she wasn't doing the same to him.

When they were done, she gathered up their containers for disposal without any suggestion from Kylo. He picked up his discarded clothing and put it down the cleaning chute, then gave her the package of her clothing for the next day. “It's probably the wrong size, but I can get you something better tomorrow.”

She smiled wanly at him as she took it, and thanked him. He felt something small turn over in his stomach.

It was late. He had training and meetings tomorrow as usual, and the girl looked very tired.

“I'm about ready to turn in,” he said. “You'll be sleeping with me. Well, in my bed anyway,” he amended. “I don't usually sleep too much.”

She took the comment without reacting. They had already had sex. It couldn't have been a surprise that they were going to sleep together.

“Do you like to read at bedtime?” he asked as he gestured to several shelves of old books. “You're welcome to any of these. And I have reading screens of course.”

Sara moved toward the books and tilted her head to read the titles. Looking charmed, she picked one of his favorite novels off the shelf. “I'm more used to these.”

He was unaccountably pleased that she preferred paper books to readers, just like he did, and had chosen one he liked. It didn't mean anything, of course, but it set off a little ping of pleasure just the same. They had something in common. “I like that one too.”

“I've read it before,” she commented, “but I think it would be. . . comforting to read again.”

Comforting. How long had it been since someone had comforted Kylo? He remembered receiving praise from the Supreme Leader when he had been forced to join the First Order, but Snoke was never a comfort. His mother? Maybe when he was little. A vague memory of playing with his father stirred inside, but he shut it down quickly. His feelings about his father were complicated, and he didn't want to think about that now.

Kylo showed the girl the refresher and found a sleep aid for her, then located some toiletries she could use tonight.

“I'm going to shower,” he told her. “You can go first if you like. Or there's room for two.”

“That's fine.” She brushed her teeth and got undressed while Kylo adjusted the water in the shower stall.

It was indeed large enough for two people, and he had two shower heads going when she got in. He had seen her naked already, but she still seemed a bit shy, looking down at the floor again instead of into his eyes. He wasn't speaking though, so he didn't fault her for it. Instead, he began to soap her back.

Kylo didn't want to do anything wrong, so he kept his touch light and gentle under the hot water. She let him clean her whole body except between her legs, which she took care of herself, then she washed her hair under another nozzle as he bathed himself. When they had both finished, he turned off the water and stepped out into the cool bathroom. She followed him, and he handed her a fluffy black towel before he began drying himself.

Her self-consciousness as she dried herself and put on a night shirt was curiously endearing. He finished his own evening rituals, then left her alone to give her a few moments of privacy.

It was obvious which side of the bed Kylo slept on, from the small grouping of objects on his bedside table, and the way only one side of the sheets had been folded down. She went to the other side and climbed in under the covers.

He dimmed the lights and got into bed with her. She scooted a little bit closer to him before she opened her book. He wasn't sure what to make of that. He hoped that she wanted to be closer to him, but he wasn't used to people acting without a hidden agenda. Nevertheless, he scooted a little nearer to her too. He did want to be closer to her, so he might as well.

He turned on his personal book light, which was built into the headboard. She did the same, lying down, opening her book and resting it on her middle. Kylo himself sat up, leaning against a pillow and took his own book from the table.

“I'll be up early, but you can sleep late if you like,” he offered as he settled in.

“Thank you,” she replied, her eyes rising to meet his. Good, he thought, she remembered.

She closed her book and turned off her light relatively quickly. It had been a long day for both of them, and she was probably exhausted. He felt tired too, but also a strange sense of exhilaration. It faded slowly during the two or three hours he read, then went away entirely when the book fell from his hand and he thought no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of smut in this chapter. I had a certain structure in mind for the story overall, and I wasn't able to work more in.
> 
> I hope my depiction of depression didn't trigger anyone. I have struggled with it most of my life, and this depiction is based on some of my own experiences, as well as the need of the story.
> 
> The part about Ben kissing the girls at the Academy was inspired by something Rian Johnson, the director of The Last Jedi, said in an interview.
> 
> I tried to capture Kylo Ren effectively and empathetically. His thoughts are supposed to show how much damage he has received from Snoke and how brainwashed he has been, without making it too realistic and sad. 
> 
> The part about how Kylo keeps some of his thoughts away from Snoke was inspired by the way he was able to kill Snoke in The Last Jedi by keeping his thoughts vague. It's hard for me to imagine the horror of having someone who could read your thoughts and intrude on them at any time. 
> 
> I wrote a meta about how in the The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, Snoke acts very much like a child molester in relationship to Kylo. If you are interested, you can read it on Tumblr here:  
> http://evilgrrl.tumblr.com/post/173873211358/the-seduction-of-ben-solo-a-meta-thread-about .  
> Please be aware my Tumblr is Not Safe For Work, although this post is probably okay. Trigger warning for child abuse and child molestation. 
> 
> I'm a pop culture connoisseur, and I have put a few homages into my story. If something in the story reminds you of something else, it's probably deliberate. "You know nothing, Kylo Ren," for example, references Ygritte in The Game of Thrones saying, "You know nothing, Jon Snow." I'd love to hear about any other references you suspect in the comments, or any other constructive criticism. I hope you enjoyed it.


	3. Getting to Know Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo feels very awkward around his new sex partner and doesn't know how to act. Regular human interactions seem odd to him now. He is relying on Sara's communication skills to get them through this period. 
> 
> We find out a little bit about how Kylo feels about the Jedi, and why he hates them. 
> 
> A safeword is a special word partners use during kinky scenes to indicate that they have reached the limit of their comfort level and the activity or the level of intensity needs to change.

Kylo was surprised when he woke earlier than usual in the morning, lying under the covers with his book on the floor by the bed. He felt more refreshed than he normally did from several hours of sleep, which was more than he usually got. Only one nightmare too, and not even one of the bad ones.

The girl was curled on her side facing away from him, covers pulled up, her knees drawn up to her chest. He felt a twinge of desire for her, but put it away for later.

Kylo got up and carried out his morning routine, shower, shaving, reading updates on his electronic pad. He was relieved to see that the droid had been found, but his officers hadn't been able to locate the device with the section of the navigational chart yet. Maybe the girl would be able to help with that.

He downed a couple of cold protein bites and drank some hot caf, his only indulgence. Well, maybe it would not be his only indulgence anymore.

He stayed at the table longer than was his custom, foolishly hoping the girl would wake up before he had to go, and scolding himself for his foolishness. Eventually, though, she did. He heard her in the 'fresher, running water, brushing her hair and her teeth. When she come out, she was more lovely than he had remembered, her eyes a little bloodshot, but her skin glowing and her red hair framing her face appealingly. He wished she wasn't a ginger, like Hux, but he supposed he would get used to it. At least it was a different shade of red, and it was becoming to her.

He had never let anyone sleep in his chambers before, and wasn't sure what he was supposed to do or say. “Would you like some breakfast? Maybe some caf?”

She smiled. “Sure,” she said quietly. “I'll take both.”

He got up and showed her how to order food and her own caf from the console. Sara requested a hot meal that arrived minutes later smelling good in a way he didn't recall food could smell. She had gotten a lot, and offered him things from her own plate as well. It touched him, having someone be courteous and thoughtful of him.

“How did you sleep?” she asked him between bites of her own food.

The question caught him off guard. He remembered vaguely that it was the sort of thing people in families asked each other in the morning, but it had been so long that he had forgotten about it.

The customary answer came back to him. “Well,” he said. “I actually slept more than usual. How about you?”

She tucked a curl of hair behind one ear and had another sip of her caf. “Okay, I guess. I'm sorry for the way I was last night.” She cleared her throat uncomfortably. “I usually feel better after I sleep. Like rebooting a computer or something. Thank you for the sleep aid. It helped.”

Again he was reminded of all the little niceties people observed with each other, the manners and courtesies. It had been a long time since he had partaken of them. Please and thank you were no longer in his vocabulary. He feel a certain pride, however, when she said he had helped her.

She offered him some of the fruit when he didn't take it automatically, and refilled his caf when he ran out. He had not imagined her doing these things, but they were not unwelcome. Somehow he had thought his mornings would remain silent and solitary, that they would interact only when he initiated it. Or maybe he hadn't imagined it at all. He hadn't considered the reality of sharing his quarters with someone, only the sex. But this was better.

“I have briefings and practice this morning, but I'll be back at midday to eat with you. Why don't you order for both of us? Pick out your favorites.”

Another departure from his routine. He usually stayed in the training area, eating a few more cold nutrition bites after he worked out, but there was no reason he couldn't come back to his quarters instead. The afternoon would bring more meetings and situation briefs, then yoga and meditation. A break in-between wouldn't hurt anything.

Nothing said that he had to do the same thing the same way every day. No one questioned his activities, and for once he would plan his day the way he wanted to instead of the way that was most expedient.

“I need you to stay in my chambers for a day or two,” he instructed her as she finished eating. “If you need anything, you can call or leave me a message on my comm, or order something yourself. In a few days, I'll instruct the door to open and close for you, so you can go out,” assuming this works out and we don't both get killed, he added to himself. But that seemed less likely this morning than it had yesterday. “But for now, it's better if you don't.”

She nodded as she stood and collected the breakfast remains. He normally had a droid in to clean up, but he enjoyed seeing her do things for him. He felt almost like a real person.

“Feel free to use whatever you find here,” he said, pointing to his bookshelves, a calligraphy set, a reading pad and some solitary games. “I think you can order vids from the comm as well, but I don't really remember. I only order music. You can do that too.”

Kylo got up and moved to his dressing station, asking Sara if she would help him dress.

“Of course,” she replied immediately, and came to assist him. She was treating him like a boyfriend, not like a commander, although he wasn't positive how a girl treated a boyfriend. Her touch while dressing him was gentle and affectionate. He thought could get used to it.

He had assumed he would need to teach her more about how to dress him, but she was picking it up naturally and even asking questions for future reference.

She knew where the chute to the cleaner was. Now she learned where the fresh small clothes and socks were kept, as well as his workout clothing and shoes other than his boots.

He put on his undergarments, and showed her where the other things were hung, the pants, shirts, and arm protectors. The great coats and cloaks. Several pairs of gloves. Snug boots that he was actually glad to have help with. Her nimble hands learned the fastenings and closures quickly, and she seemed to understand how the clothing fit together without his having to explain it.

All that remained now was his helmet. He moved to the counter where he had left it overnight and considered it. Usually he couldn't wait to put it on, to feel safe in his armor, but this morning he was reluctant. Sara joined him at the door, her eyes considering the black mask in his hands. He thought about kissing her on the mouth as he had previously, then thought better of it and settled for her forehead.

“Have a good day,” she wished him.

Then the helmet went on and it seemed just like any other day.

 

Kylo's morning had gone well. Since the droid had been taken on Jakku, getting the map itself would only be a matter of time. Either the technicians would take the droid apart until they found it, or he would take the pilot apart to see if he was really as ignorant as he insisted he was. They would collect the starchart, which would lead him to Skywalker, and then Kylo could destroy him. Then maybe Kylo could find a way to breathe a little easier.

All this business with the Jedi should have been over when he had burned down Skywalker's training academy all those years ago. With any luck, he and Skywalker both would have been killed, but he had already used up all his luck that night.

Kylo had seen the ugly truth about the Jedi when Luke had tried to murder him. Not only was the Jedi order a hypocritical and corrupt group whose philosophy had outlived its usefulness, but his own uncle and teacher had proven how worthless their methods really were. They said they believed in using the least amount of violence necessary, but how much of a threat had Ben posed, especially in his sleep?

Luke was supposed have taught him how to deal with the Dark side. But Ben had been so powerful already, and so drawn to the Dark side, that Luke had been frightened. So Luke had tried to destroy him, his own blood, instead of just teaching him how to cope with it. If Luke “Hero of the Rebellion” Skywalker was not fit to train new Jedi, then no one was. And no one had even tried since he had exiled himself, which was for the best.

The asinine Resistance wanted to appeal to Luke Skywalker's ego to re-join them, believing his presence would unite the galaxy against the First Order. Kylo didn't believe anything would unite those people, but Snoke thought otherwise. And, of course, Snoke had been right many times before, regardless of what Kylo believed. He knew he should have more faith in his teacher, and promised to do better. If Snoke said it was important, it was. Therefore it was important to acquire the map to keep it out of the hands of his mother and her cohorts. Therefore the First Order would do it. It was simple.

Training had gone well too. He had beaten his sparring partners soundly, and felt stronger than he had in days. He had showered off at the training center as usual, but now he would return to see how the girl was doing, instead of staying and eating there.

Kylo found the food Sara had ordered for them waiting when he arrived home. He enjoyed finding out what she liked to eat. They had some tastes in common, but not all. It didn't matter. They could order as much as they wanted and didn't have to finish it. Kylo had not gone hungry a day since he had arrived, unlike the hard times after he left the Academy, before he joined the First Order.

They listened to one of Kylo's musical play lists while they ate, quietly discussing the music and the food and Kylo's lightsaber practice. He wished he could cancel his afternoon activities, but he had important briefings to attend, and he hesitated to eliminate yoga and meditation. Sometimes he thought they were all that kept him even borderline sane.

The girl interrupted his melancholy mood. After cleaning up the food, she approached him from behind and rested her hands lightly on his shoulders. “Would you like a massage before you go back?”

Kylo tried to figure out what to say. “Yes,” he started. “But, actually, you know, I can go get a massage any time I want.” He turned around in his chair to look at her. She looked good and her eyes were sparkling.

“Maybe we could do something else then,” she murmured.

He still wasn't sure if she was offering sex or not. It was confusing. His hesitation in asking this girl for what he wanted was ridiculous. She belonged to him, didn't she? He should just tell her what to do. He shouldn't be afraid of her rejection. But somehow he was, a little anyway. “Like what?” he asked instead. That was safer.

“We could . . . do what we did in your shuttle,” she suggested, her voice rising at the end.

He laughed, relieved that she had brought it up. “Yeah. No, I'd like that. Maybe we could change it up a little.”

“You're the boss. You can do what you want.” She sounded light hearted about it, which seemed kind of strange. But then again, he didn't know how regular girls acted.

“You can say no,” he told her. But don't, he amended in his head. Please don't.

“I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to.” She gave him the impression she was being sincere. “What do you like to do?”

Kylo smiled a little. “There are a lot of things.”

“Maybe I'll get to do all of them.”

He finally decided she was being flirtatious, but not like the kind of girls he had frequented before. They were pretty brazen about what they were offering.

“Maybe,” he agreed. “But there is one thing I'd like now. It's kind of hard to describe though.” Hard to describe, and no doubt freakish, he thought.

Her open expression was encouraging. He watched to gauge her reaction. “I want you to be afraid of me when I fuck you.”

It took her a minute to respond. “Always, or just this time?”

She was smart. “Just this one time. Unless I tell you different later.”

“Okay,” she agreed. “Do what you want.” It felt so good to hear her say that. It gave him permission.

He had shed his shoes and socks when he entered. Now she helped him disrobe at his dressing station. There were a couple of bits of business to get out of the way first though.

He took off his black workout shirt. “I want to let you know I'm on contraception. So you don't have to worry about that.”

She smiled again. “Oh, that's good. I mean, I have the implant, but thank you.”

He didn't smile back. He was already going to the place in his mind where he kept his more unusual tastes. “Do you have a safe word?”

She shook her head as she undid the laces on his pants. He was becoming aroused already. “Mercy,” she answered promptly. He thought that was fitting, since that had been what she had asked for on Jakku.

“Do you know when to use it?” His serious tone did not match her mischievous mood.

She slid the workout pants down his slim hips to the floor and he stepped out of them. “When I get in trouble.”

“Right. And you can use it without penalty. I won't be mad at you if you say it.”

The look on her face told him that she hadn't really considered that he might not honor her safe word. He saw a spark of fear on her face already. He liked it.

“Okay.” She hooked her fingers into the waist band of his small clothes and pulled them down so he could step out of them. Then she moved away. She was starting to distance herself from him already, perhaps unconsciously.

Her gaze flicked down to his erection, and she grimaced slightly. Or maybe she could just read the expression that was on his face. It wasn't one he allowed there often.

Usually he only gave himself free rein to indulge his appetites when he was torturing people. But they were almost always men, and he wasn't interested in them sexually. For the most part, he restrained himself with the official ship sex workers as well, to avoid sanction, but this time he didn't have to. She had given her consent to do what he wanted.

Kylo stepped toward her as she tried to turn away, catching her wrists and pulling them over her head with one hand. He put the other hand in the small of her back and pressed her toward the couch. The cushions would be too low, but the arm of the couch would work. He held her against the couch with his legs as he pulled off her clothes. Then he bent her over at the waist, pushing her upper body down until her face was in the cushions.

A small squeak escaped her. The fear coming off of her was almost tangible. This was better than he had expected.

Spreading his long legs wide to position himself, he thrust into her sex with no warning or hesitation. He had expected for her to be dry and tight, for it to hurt her when he entered. And she was tight, but not dry at all.

Still inside her, he leaned over, his mouth near her ear. “You little slut. You like this, don't you?” He twitched his hips, and her moan confirmed it. He liked that too. She must have been aroused even before he entered her, because she was thoroughly wet, and after the first couple of strokes inside, so was he. It was delicious. Better than her being dry actually. The surprise was stimulating, so unlike the business-like transactions with the girls of the ship. And to know she was enjoying her fear was no small thing.

Kylo held the girl's small body in place against the couch as he speed fucked her, immobilizing her with his hands. He pumped into her as fast as he wanted, as hard as he wanted, and for as long as he wanted. He lifted one hand from her hips and wrapped it around her throat until he heard her gasp, which took him to the next level. He drove her harder into the couch arm, wishing he could choke her, but knowing it was too dangerous. When he felt the spasm of her first orgasm around his cock -- her whole body shuddering -- the smell of her sex filled the air.

Kylo released his hand from her throat, then brushed her hair out of the way so he could nip her ear. Just the outer shell, at first, then the lobe a bit harder. He heard her whimper and tasted copper, so he made himself back off a moment to see how bad it was. It was just a nick on the earlobe, so he licked up the bright drop of blood and squeezed the cut with his fingers to stop the flow. He felt a spike of satisfaction to see that, even though she wasn't a virgin, he had made her bleed.

When he looked down, he could see the almost black suck marks he had left on her neck during the shuttle trip. He hadn't thought he could get any harder, but that did it for him. He would have to slow down now if he wanted to last much longer.

The big man pulled out, then dropped to his knees, still behind her. Her pussy was glistening and open, and he licked and sucked it hard and fast, the way he had fucked her. She began to make noise again, this time of pleasure instead of pain. Her skin tasted lightly of the sea, and he found the little man in the boat and began to circle it with his tongue. He heard her cry out and felt her pushing back against his mouth, wanting more.

This was all about what Kylo wanted, though, not her, so instead of giving her what she wanted, he forced her legs further apart, then put his thumb inside her and began to work her clit with his fingers. After a few moments, when she was coming again, he began to bite her inner thigh, hard, while continuing to pleasure her with his fingers. He increased the pressure of both his hand and his mouth until she screamed and came yet again. When he moved away, he saw his teethmarks in two crescents on her skin. They marked her as his and aroused him even further.

He gave her a moment to catch her breath, then pulled her down to the floor on her hands and knees. When he began to fuck her again, his shaft felt like it was on fire. He reached down to pinch the fresh teethmarks on her thigh just to hear her yelp, and sparks erupted from his cock when she did. Just when he finished, she squeezed him with her inner walls and he had one last spasm of exquisite pain.

He stopped moving, staying inside her while letting his weight sink down onto her body. Eventually he braced himself with his knees to keep from crushing her, then pulled them both over onto their sides. Tiny tremors were still rippling through the girl's legs when he put his arm around her.

When they both were able to breathe normally again, he handed her a piece of his discarded clothing to clean up with, then he used it to dry himself.

Sara turned over and sat up. Her hair was wild and covered one eye fetchingly. Her beautiful breasts were still flushed, but she seemed all right otherwise. When he asked her if she was okay, she looked him right in the eye and said, “Oh, yes, Daddy.” Exactly what he wanted to hear.

“Good girl.”

 

Sara didn't have anything to do that afternoon while Kylo was away. She read the novel she had picked out for awhile, then set it down. She needed to think about what was happening. It would be easy to play house and pretend that this was a normal situation with a new lover. She was tempted, but that would be a bad idea. She had to face reality.

The kinky sex was confusing enough, but the real danger to her was that she was now living with a man she didn't really know anything about.

Why was she here with him anyway? Surely the First Order didn't have any use for some random woman from the Resistance. It boggled her mind to think that one of their leaders had kidnapped her just for his sexual pleasure. Unlike previous empires, the First Order didn't seem to rape and pillage needlessly. They usually stuck to their business and left. So why this deviation from the norm?

Didn't the First Order officers have wives? Surely if Kylo wanted a woman, he could pick one out from the hundreds of thousands aboard his flagship. She knew there were official First Order sex workers, because she had met some. Why had he chosen her? She would be useless aboard a ship like this.

The biggest mystery, of course, was her feelings toward him. She knew what he was. He had shown her. But he had also shown her tenderness, and she sensed they did have some things in common, and not just sexually, as he had suggesting in the beginning. They both experienced a sense of loneliness, of not really belonging. Sometimes he seemed confident, but more often he was insecure and self-loathing. Sara knew how that felt too. She hoped it would be enough to save her.

 

Kylo had wanted to spend time with the girl that afternoon, but it had been impossible. Hux and Phasma had asked him to meet with them about the storm trooper who had failed to fire his weapon on Jakku, and that took much longer than it should have. If all three of them didn't have their egos involved, it would have been easier. As it was, Kylo contributed the least to the storm trooper program, and didn't mind critiquing it. Phasma was at least as reasonable as she was thorough, but Hux took it all personally.

Then he sat through some interminable meetings about the super weapon Hux was overseeing, a Starkiller Base that was taking forever to build on some god forsaken ice planet in the Unknown Regions. Hux seemed to think it would be ready relatively soon, but Kylo had heard that before. The entire planet had to be hollowed out first. It was coming along well, granted, but it still had a ways to go. It was supposed to be able to wipe out whole star systems half way across the galaxy, orders of magnitude beyond the Death Stars' abilities to destroy planets.

Hux believed it would be the answer to most of their problems with the Resistance. Kylo wasn't as sure. First of all, the Resistance was almost completely ineffective. Any success they enjoyed was due mainly to their guerrilla warfare tactics. And to his mother's cleverness, of course. To give her her due, he should admit that she also had a lot of heart and a very loyal following. If only she had been able to spare some of that heart and loyalty-inspiring charisma for Kylo, instead of her countless fans. He would have thought her own son would have ranked higher in her priorities.

Eventually the meetings were finished and Kylo was able to escape Hux's constipated face and strident voice. Yoga provided some stress relief, complemented by his hour of meditation. He showered, but just wore regular workout clothes back to his quarters. There was no need to put on all the heavy clothing if he was only going home. He didn't like to show his face outside of his quarters, but with a hood, he would be just one more anonymous crew member.

Sara was reading when he arrived. She was surprised to see him without his usual garb, but didn't ask questions. “I came right from my meditation session,” he told her by way of explanation.

He put away the helmet in the case he had used to carry it home, then went to her. She looked pleased to see him. He took her hands in his, then leaned down and kissed her perfect mouth. She kissed him back hesitantly, then more firmly and squeezed his hands. It was a nice thing to come home to. Unlike everyone else on the ship, she didn't seem to want anything from him except his company.

“Are you hungry?” she asked as they parted.

“Starved,” he answered. “You want to order us something? Heavy on the protein?”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Order what you like. It'll be fine.” Almost anything he could imagine her ordering would be better than cold nutrition squares. Why had he insisted on such a stoic existence for so long?

He put on a play list while she read some dinner selections out loud to make sure they were okay, then they sat on the couch together to wait for dinner. He put his arm around her gingerly, and was glad when she leaned her body into his in response. It made he feel protective of her. He wasn't sure he would be able to tell what the difference was between her and his usual bed partners, even if he had had someone to tell. Maybe it was what seemed like her genuine affection for him. She acted like this was a relationship instead of whatever fucked up thing it really was.

“How was your afternoon?” she asked. He wasn't used to talking about himself, but he found things to say about how boring the meetings were and how much he disliked Hux without telling her anything confidential.

He returned the question to her, and they spent some time discussing the novel she was reading. She had a different take on the main character than he did, and he drew out her thoughts about it rather skillfully, thanks to a number of holos he had seen of literature discussions. He did have some social skills, he just usually didn't care enough to use them. This made him feel like using them.

When that conversation died down, he decided to see if he could find out more about her, about her life and previous partners. He had not found those sorts of discussions interesting in the past, but he hadn't had anyone to discuss anything like that with. He couldn't care less about Hux's wife or even Phasma's personal life, as much as he admired her combat skills.

Kylo decided to broach the subject carefully. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” she answered, as if she had expected it.

“What was your life like before? How did you get into the Resistance? Were you married, or partnered before this, or what?”

She looked thoughtful as she responded. “I haven't been married, but I have had a couple of partners. Two men and one woman, actually. And I've had friends that I loved with no formal arrangement. We just enjoyed spending time together without worrying about what was going to happen next.”

“Did you have anyone . . . on Jakku?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. Kylo was immediately relieved to see he hadn't taken her away from anyone there. “But I did love those people. I've met many people in the Resistance who were kind and generous and good hearted. Not everyone in Tuanal was in the Resistance either, you know. There had been a village there before we arrived.”

Kylo hadn't thought about that before. Why would people who weren't sympathetic to the Resistance allow them to set up a camp in their area? It was just asking for trouble. You might as well issue a formal invitation to the First Order “But they sympathized. Right?”

“Not necessarily. At some of my postings, people didn't even know what was going on. I think the people in the village figured it out after a number of us showed up in the last few months. But Lor San Tekka had lived there for years without most of them knowing anything about him.”

Kylo admitted to himself that was feasible. It wasn't like Tekka had been a war hero. But he remembered reading intel that the village had been some kind of Jedi sympathizer enclave. “There was a Church of the Force or something there. Obviously they sympathized.”

“Some of the people who lived there didn't know much about the Force, the Empire or the Jedi. They didn't have reader or holovids. They were just trying to survive being there. They didn't care one way or another. They didn't think it would make any difference to them who was in charge of the galaxy. Tekka had made life there a little easier for them. That was what they cared about.”

“Why didn't they leave?” Kylo asked, trying to play out the scenario to a logical conclusion.

“Where would they have gone?” Sara asked in return. “Most of them would already have left Jakku if they'd had the resources to in the first place. They were scavengers, traders, food smugglers. They were just barely getting by.”

Kylo's mind protested the way this picture was forming. “But they liked Tekka, right? He was their leader.”

“He was an old man who was willing to share his food and water when necessary. That was all that mattered.”

That disturbed Kylo. It didn't really fit into the narrative he had imagined, with most people taking one side or another, either for the First Order or the Resistance. He thought the conflict had surely left its mark on everyone. He looked down and his voice was hard.

“Then he should have left the spying to others. He should have known he would get them killed if he kept going.” He didn't like thinking about this and it made him angry.

Sara saw it and tried to mitigate it. She touched his leg. “He did. Until we showed up and asked for his help.”

Kylo pulled back in surprise. His arm fell back from her shoulders. “Then you shouldn't have done that. You should have just left him alone.”

Sara looked sad. “I'm sorry. You sound mad. I don't know what else to say.”

His voice got louder. “You could say they had it coming. Or that they trusted the wrong people. Or you could admit that you and your people got them killed.”

Sara sighed. “I guess we did.”

“Then . . . why did you do it?”

Sara no longer leaned into him. They weren't touching at all now. “Most of us were in the Resistance because the First Order wiped out the places we used to live. Or killed the people we lived with. I fell in with them after my parents died. They seemed better than the people who usually needed my skills.”

Kylo found himself looking down, unsure of what to say. “Why were you on Jakku?”

“I was assigned there by the Resistance. I don't know why. I didn't always. I just did what they asked me to and tried to make people's lives a little better. Not everyone has a big role in this. Some of us are just bit players.”

Fortunately the food arrived before anything could go worse. Sara made herself busy setting it out and asking Kylo if he wanted wine or something else to drink. Since wine was not his usual fare, he got them each a container of water.

Now he regretted being combative with her. It might have had ruined the whole night. Sara seemed dispirited as she went about getting things ready, and he decided to change the subject, regardless of whether what she had said had made sense to him or not.

For the rest of the evening, they discussed the food and Sara's varied career. After they finished eating, Kylo figured out how to order a holovid for them, which turned out to be moderately entertaining. Gradually, he made his way back to her side on the couch and tentatively placed his arm around her shoulders again. Immediately she curved herself back into him and rested her hand on his stomach, as if she had been waiting for him to do it. He felt the tension in his body ease.

He did not broach the subject of her personal life again until the were almost ready to go to sleep. They were lying in bed together, hip to hip, reading when he got up his nerve again.

“Can I ask you something else?”

She marked her place in the book and turned to face him a little. He thought he saw a little reluctance there, but she said, “Yes. Go ahead.”

He didn't know why he found this so hard to bring up. Maybe it was his lack of experience. Or maybe it was because he had fucked up so badly earlier. Fuck it. He wanted to know. “So, you had male and female partners?”

“Yes. And one who was neither. Sometimes you just fall in love with someone because of the way they are, regardless of how they look.”

“How did you choose?” One of the many questions he had wondered about for years. How did couples get together?

“I'm not sure I really did. Sometimes you like someone and they don't feel the same way about you. Sometimes it's the opposite. And sometimes you just seem to fit together the right way.”

Kylo slipped an arm around her waist, and tucked his own book away.

“Have you not had partners before?” she asked gently. Before, she had said. As if this were a relationship between the two of them, a partnership.

He felt blood rising to his face, an unfamiliar sensation. “No. I haven't. I've been with official sex workers, but that was all.” The admission pained him somehow, made him feel less than her.

“You make love well,” she said cautiously and smiled, moving her hand up to his chest.

“I don't think I've ever done that,” he admitted, sounding wistful. “I think I've just fucked.”

The soft hand stroked his bare chest. It was soothing. “I thought you made love to me.”

“What's the difference?”

Her hand worked its way up to his neck and rested there. “I think it's how you feel about the person. Why you're having sex with them. If it's just for fun, or to burn off some energy, then maybe it's just fucking. Like with sex workers. If you feel something for the person, though, and they feel something for you, then it's probably making love.”

All this was just making Kylo feel bad. He must be an idiot not to even be able to tell one from the other. And how did you even know if you felt something for someone?

“Why are you being so nice to me? When I've been a dick to you.”

She smiled at him, and he returned it a little shyly. “Because I feel something for you.”

Kylo sure didn't know how to response to that, so he made a clumsy joke to break the tension. “Oh, yeah? I've got something you can feel,” he said lewdly. It was awkward, but the subject had just become too uncomfortable for him to continue. Did he feel something for her or not? How did you know? Better to change the subject.

She laughed and grinned salaciously. “I know you do. I've felt it a couple of times already.”

“Maybe it'll be different this time,” he said playfully.

She reached over and pulled the sheet away from his lap. “It looks just the same to me.”

“Let's find out,” he agreed as he placed her hand on his cock and guided it to move the way he liked. “Mmmm . . . that feels good.”

She was turning further to straddle his lap. “This feels good too.”

He snugged her closer and moved in for a kiss. She opened her lips softly to receive him, and he stuck his tongue in her mouth, then withdrew. It felt strange to both of them. He interpreted the look on her face as being less than happy.

“I don't . . . I haven't done this much before,” he confessed. “Sex workers don't kiss on the mouth.” Another deficiency on his part. When would he ever be able to catch up? He was incompetent at everything important.

“It's okay,” she assured him. She kissed his lips softly at first, then harder, opening her mouth and darting her tongue into his. Then she repeated it, this time circling his tongue with her own, then pulling back. When he did the same thing to her, she sucked his tongue gently before releasing it. She led and he followed, kissing open mouthed, tongues teasing, pressing their lips together in different ways.

When he seemed to be breathing deeply, she moved her hand down between their bodies and placed it on his erection. She guided it into her body, then began to move her hips. He took advantage of her position on top to grab her breasts, squeezing just right and digging his fingers in. She gasped and orgasmed when he did, her hips jerking. When she was done, he rolled her over so he was on top.

He entered her again, then grabbed both her hands and pinned them over her head against the mattress, keeping them in place with one of his own. Having complete control over her like this was exciting.

It made up for her having to teach him how to kiss. It was frustrating to have her know more than he did, especially about sex. It insulted his masculinity. It made him feel like a kid. And it made him want to fuck her all the harder. So he did. Which set off a series of orgasms that had her moaning. He put his mouth on hers to quiet it, which led him to come as well. He released her mouth and her hands, then he collapsed on top of her, crushing her body into the mattress. She groaned humorously and tried to push him off of her. He resisted her long enough to give her one last kiss, then rolled off.

“Now you have to sleep in the wet spot,” she teased him.

He already had a handful of tissue and was cleaning himself off. “Not me. I'm the next Supreme Leader.”

“Are you going to bring Hux in to sleep in the wet spot then?”

He threw his tissues away and handed some to her. “Maybe. I wouldn't have thought you would have wanted Hux in your bed.”

“Phasma then?”

“You did say you'd had a female partner before.”

Sara giggled. “She's taller than you are.”

“So?”

They both laughed as he took her in his arms and they settled down to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't entirely happy with this chapter, but I did my best.
> 
> I wanted to give more of Kylo's point of view of what happened the night Luke tried to kill him. I loved the Rashamon aspect of The Last Jedi, showing how people remember things differently from each other, but I also wanted to know a little more about the way Kylo saw it. 
> 
> Everyone takes for granted that Luke was telling the truth that Kylo slaughtered the other padawans, as if he went around and killed them in their sleep. But we know that's what Luke considered doing to Kylo, so it's possible he's projecting. I like my version of that night better, but I have no way of knowing if it is more accurate. 
> 
> I also liked imagining Kylo as unused to domestic cohabitation, and how maybe some of the type of family interactions he had disliked with his parents would be more preferable now that he was an adult and had been isolated for so long.
> 
> I had fun showing Kylo reconsidering the ascetic Spartan lifestyle in favor of enjoying life a little more. 
> 
> In my alternate reality, Kylo is skillful at sex, but doesn't really know how to interact emotionally, so I tried to depict some of that too. I think he would be very insecure from Snoke's influence over his life, and berate himself a lot. I think he would also make awkward sex jokes, like so many men I know, especially when he wants to break the tension in a conversation that makes him uncomfortable. 
> 
> A safeword is something partners can use when they are being kinky to let the other person know they need to stop or pause or switch to a different activity. In the US, most people seem to use "yellow" to mean that they are reaching the limits of their physical or emotional comfort, and that they need to stop or change activities. "Red" means they have reached their maximum limit and all play should cease immediately. Ideally you would not get to that point, but would "safeword" with yellow and proceed in another direction or with less intensity. If you need additional information, please Google it. 
> 
> I hope the kinky sex isn't offending anyone. If you are interested in it for real, I suggest reading some non-fiction books, like SM 101 by Jay Wiseman or Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. I love SM, and have done most of the things I describe in the story, but it's important to know how to do things safely.


	4. Kylo's Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara tries to come to terms with the fact that the man she is coming to love is a murderer. She wonders how he can justify what he does. When he asks her for her help again with the droid, he inadvertently tells her, while also revealing the source of much of his suffering.

Kylo was surprised when he woke earlier than usual in the morning, lying under the covers with his book on the floor by the bed. He felt more refreshed than he normally did from several hours of sleep, which was more than he usually got. Only one nightmare too, and not even one of the bad ones.

The girl was curled on her side facing away from him, covers pulled up, her knees drawn up to her chest. He felt a twinge of desire for her, but put it away for later.

Kylo got up and carried out his morning routine, shower, shaving, reading updates on his electronic pad. He was relieved to see that the droid had been found, but his officers hadn't been able to locate the device with the section of the navigational chart yet. Maybe the girl would be able to help with that.

He downed a couple of cold protein bites and drank some hot caf, his only indulgence. Well, maybe it would not be his only indulgence anymore.

He stayed at the table longer than was his custom, foolishly hoping the girl would wake up before he had to go, and scolding himself for his foolishness. Eventually, though, she did. He heard her in the 'fresher, running water, brushing her hair and her teeth. When she come out, she was more lovely than he had remembered, her eyes a little bloodshot, but her skin glowing and her red hair framing her face appealingly. He wished she wasn't a ginger, like Hux, but he supposed he would get used to it. At least it was a different shade of red, and it was becoming to her.

He had never let anyone sleep in his chambers before, and wasn't sure what he was supposed to do or say. “Would you like some breakfast? Maybe some caf?”

She smiled. “Sure,” she said quietly. “I'll take both.”

He got up and showed her how to order food and her own caf from the console. Sara requested a hot meal that arrived minutes later smelling good in a way he didn't recall food could smell. She had gotten a lot, and offered him things from her own plate as well. It touched him, having someone be courteous and thoughtful of him.

“How did you sleep?” she asked him between bites of her own food.

The question caught him off guard. He remembered vaguely that it was the sort of thing people in families asked each other in the morning, but it had been so long that he had forgotten about it.

The customary answer came back to him. “Well,” he said. “I actually slept more than usual. How about you?”

She tucked a curl of hair behind one ear and had another sip of her caf. “Okay, I guess. I'm sorry for the way I was last night.” She cleared her throat uncomfortably. “I usually feel better after I sleep. Like rebooting a computer or something. Thank you for the sleep aid. It helped.”

Again he was reminded of all the little niceties people observed with each other, the manners and courtesies. It had been a long time since he had partaken of them. Please and thank you were no longer in his vocabulary. He feel a certain pride, however, when she said he had helped her.

She offered him some of the fruit when he didn't take it automatically, and refilled his caf when he ran out. He had not imagined her doing these things, but they were not unwelcome. Somehow he had thought his mornings would remain silent and solitary, that they would interact only when he initiated it. Or maybe he hadn't imagined it at all. He hadn't considered the reality of sharing his quarters with someone, only the sex. But this was better.

“I have briefings and practice this morning, but I'll be back at midday to eat with you. Why don't you order for both of us? Pick out your favorites.”

Another departure from his routine. He usually stayed in the training area, eating a few more cold nutrition bites after he worked out, but there was no reason he couldn't come back to his quarters instead. The afternoon would bring more meetings and situation briefs, then yoga and meditation. A break in-between wouldn't hurt anything.

Nothing said that he had to do the same thing the same way every day. No one questioned his activities, and for once he would plan his day the way he wanted to instead of the way that was most expedient.

“I need you to stay in my chambers for a day or two,” he instructed her as she finished eating. “If you need anything, you can call or leave me a message on my comm, or order something yourself. In a few days, I'll instruct the door to open and close for you, so you can go out,” assuming this works out and we don't both get killed, he added to himself. But that seemed less likely this morning than it had yesterday. “But for now, it's better if you don't.”

She nodded as she stood and collected the breakfast remains. He normally had a droid in to clean up, but he enjoyed seeing her do things for him. He felt almost like a real person.

“Feel free to use whatever you find here,” he said, pointing to his bookshelves, a calligraphy set, a reading pad and some solitary games. “I think you can order vids from the comm as well, but I don't really remember. I only order music. You can do that too.”

Kylo got up and moved to his dressing station, asking Sara if she would help him dress.

“Of course,” she replied immediately, and came to assist him. She was treating him like a boyfriend, not like a commander, although he wasn't positive how a girl treated a boyfriend. Her touch while dressing him was gentle and affectionate. He thought could get used to it.

He had assumed he would need to teach her more about how to dress him, but she was picking it up naturally and even asking questions for future reference.

She knew where the chute to the cleaner was. Now she learned where the fresh small clothes and socks were kept, as well as his workout clothing and shoes other than his boots.

He put on his undergarments, and showed her where the other things were hung, the pants, shirts, and arm protectors. The great coats and cloaks. Several pairs of gloves. Snug boots that he was actually glad to have help with. Her nimble hands learned the fastenings and closures quickly, and she seemed to understand how the clothing fit together without his having to explain it.

All that remained now was his helmet. He moved to the counter where he had left it overnight and considered it. Usually he couldn't wait to put it on, to feel safe in his armor, but this morning he was reluctant. Sara joined him at the door, her eyes considering the black mask in his hands. He thought about kissing her on the mouth as he had previously, then thought better of it and settled for her forehead.

“Have a good day,” she wished him.

Then the helmet went on and it seemed just like any other day.

 

Kylo's morning had gone well. Since the droid had been taken on Jakku, getting the map itself would only be a matter of time. Either the technicians would take the droid apart until they found it, or he would take the pilot apart to see if he was really as ignorant as he insisted he was. They would collect the starchart, which would lead him to Skywalker, and then Kylo could destroy him. Then maybe Kylo could find a way to breathe a little easier.

All this business with the Jedi should have been over when he had burned down Skywalker's training academy all those years ago. With any luck, he and Skywalker both would have been killed, but he had already used up all his luck that night.

Kylo had seen the ugly truth about the Jedi when Luke had tried to murder him. Not only was the Jedi order a hypocritical and corrupt group whose philosophy had outlived its usefulness, but his own uncle and teacher had proven how worthless their methods really were. They said they believed in using the least amount of violence necessary, but how much of a threat had Ben posed, especially in his sleep?

Luke was supposed have taught him how to deal with the Dark side. But Ben had been so powerful already, and so drawn to the Dark side, that Luke had been frightened. So Luke had tried to destroy him, his own blood, instead of just teaching him how to cope with it. If Luke “Hero of the Rebellion” Skywalker was not fit to train new Jedi, then no one was. And no one had even tried since he had exiled himself, which was for the best.

The asinine Resistance wanted to appeal to Luke Skywalker's ego to re-join them, believing his presence would unite the galaxy against the First Order. Kylo didn't believe anything would unite those people, but Snoke thought otherwise. And, of course, Snoke had been right many times before, regardless of what Kylo believed. He knew he should have more faith in his teacher, and promised to do better. If Snoke said it was important, it was. Therefore it was important to acquire the map to keep it out of the hands of his mother and her cohorts. Therefore the First Order would do it. It was simple.

Training had gone well too. He had beaten his sparring partners soundly, and felt stronger than he had in days. He had showered off at the training center as usual, but now he would return to see how the girl was doing, instead of staying and eating there.

Kylo found the food Sara had ordered for them waiting when he arrived home. He enjoyed finding out what she liked to eat. They had some tastes in common, but not all. It didn't matter. They could order as much as they wanted and didn't have to finish it. Kylo had not gone hungry a day since he had arrived, unlike the hard times after he left the Academy, before he joined the First Order.

They listened to one of Kylo's musical play lists while they ate, quietly discussing the music and the food and Kylo's lightsaber practice. He wished he could cancel his afternoon activities, but he had important briefings to attend, and he hesitated to eliminate yoga and meditation. Sometimes he thought they were all that kept him even borderline sane.

The girl interrupted his melancholy mood. After cleaning up the food, she approached him from behind and rested her hands lightly on his shoulders. “Would you like a massage before you go back?”

Kylo tried to figure out what to say. “Yes,” he started. “But, actually, you know, I can go get a massage any time I want.” He turned around in his chair to look at her. She looked good and her eyes were sparkling.

“Maybe we could do something else then,” she murmured.

He still wasn't sure if she was offering sex or not. It was confusing. His hesitation in asking this girl for what he wanted was ridiculous. She belonged to him, didn't she? He should just tell her what to do. He shouldn't be afraid of her rejection. But somehow he was, a little anyway. “Like what?” he asked instead. That was safer.

“We could . . . do what we did in your shuttle,” she suggested, her voice rising at the end.

He laughed, relieved that she had brought it up. “Yeah. No, I'd like that. Maybe we could change it up a little.”

“You're the boss. You can do what you want.” She sounded light hearted about it, which seemed kind of strange. But then again, he didn't know how regular girls acted.

“You can say no,” he told her. But don't, he amended in his head. Please don't.

“I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to.” She gave him the impression she was being sincere. “What do you like to do?”

Kylo smiled a little. “There are a lot of things.”

“Maybe I'll get to do all of them.”

He finally decided she was being flirtatious, but not like the kind of girls he had frequented before. They were pretty brazen about what they were offering.

“Maybe,” he agreed. “But there is one thing I'd like now. It's kind of hard to describe though.” Hard to describe, and no doubt freakish, he thought.

Her open expression was encouraging. He watched to gauge her reaction. “I want you to be afraid of me when I fuck you.”

It took her a minute to respond. “Always, or just this time?”

She was smart. “Just this one time. Unless I tell you different later.”

“Okay,” she agreed. “Do what you want.” It felt so good to hear her say that. It gave him permission.

He had shed his shoes and socks when he entered. Now she helped him disrobe at his dressing station. There were a couple of bits of business to get out of the way first though.

He took off his black workout shirt. “I want to let you know I'm on contraception. So you don't have to worry about that.”

She smiled again. “Oh, that's good. I mean, I have the implant, but thank you.”

He didn't smile back. He was already going to the place in his mind where he kept his more unusual tastes. “Do you have a safe word?”

She shook her head as she undid the laces on his pants. He was becoming aroused already. “Mercy,” she answered promptly. He thought that was fitting, since that had been what she had asked for on Jakku.

“Do you know when to use it?” His serious tone did not match her mischievous mood.

She slid the workout pants down his slim hips to the floor and he stepped out of them. “When I get in trouble.”

“Right. And you can use it without penalty. I won't be mad at you if you say it.”

The look on her face told him that she hadn't really considered that he might not honor her safe word. He saw a spark of fear on her face already. He liked it.

“Okay.” She hooked her fingers into the waist band of his small clothes and pulled them down so he could step out of them. Then she moved away. She was starting to distance herself from him already, perhaps unconsciously.

Her gaze flicked down to his erection, and she grimaced slightly. Or maybe she could just read the expression that was on his face. It wasn't one he allowed there often.

Usually he only gave himself free rein to indulge his appetites when he was torturing people. But they were almost always men, and he wasn't interested in them sexually. For the most part, he restrained himself with the official ship sex workers as well, to avoid sanction, but this time he didn't have to. She had given her consent to do what he wanted.

Kylo stepped toward her as she tried to turn away, catching her wrists and pulling them over her head with one hand. He put the other hand in the small of her back and pressed her toward the couch. The cushions would be too low, but the arm of the couch would work. He held her against the couch with his legs as he pulled off her clothes. Then he bent her over at the waist, pushing her upper body down until her face was in the cushions.

A small squeak escaped her. The fear coming off of her was almost tangible. This was better than he had expected.

Spreading his long legs wide to position himself, he thrust into her sex with no warning or hesitation. He had expected for her to be dry and tight, for it to hurt her when he entered. And she was tight, but not dry at all.

Still inside her, he leaned over, his mouth near her ear. “You little slut. You like this, don't you?” He twitched his hips, and her moan confirmed it. He liked that too. She must have been aroused even before he entered her, because she was thoroughly wet, and after the first couple of strokes inside, so was he. It was delicious. Better than her being dry actually. The surprise was stimulating, so unlike the business-like transactions with the girls of the ship. And to know she was enjoying her fear was no small thing.

Kylo held the girl's small body in place against the couch as he speed fucked her, immobilizing her with his hands. He pumped into her as fast as he wanted, as hard as he wanted, and for as long as he wanted. He lifted one hand from her hips and wrapped it around her throat until he heard her gasp, which took him to the next level. He drove her harder into the couch arm, wishing he could choke her, but knowing it was too dangerous. When he felt the spasm of her first orgasm around his cock -- her whole body shuddering -- the smell of her sex filled the air.

Kylo released his hand from her throat, then brushed her hair out of the way so he could nip her ear. Just the outer shell, at first, then the lobe a bit harder. He heard her whimper and tasted copper, so he made himself back off a moment to see how bad it was. It was just a nick on the earlobe, so he licked up the bright drop of blood and squeezed the cut with his fingers to stop the flow. He felt a spike of satisfaction to see that, even though she wasn't a virgin, he had made her bleed.

When he looked down, he could see the almost black suck marks he had left on her neck during the shuttle trip. He hadn't thought he could get any harder, but that did it for him. He would have to slow down now if he wanted to last much longer.

The big man pulled out, then dropped to his knees, still behind her. Her pussy was glistening and open, and he licked and sucked it hard and fast, the way he had fucked her. She began to make noise again, this time of pleasure instead of pain. Her skin tasted lightly of the sea, and he found the little man in the boat and began to circle it with his tongue. He heard her cry out and felt her pushing back against his mouth, wanting more.

This was all about what Kylo wanted, though, not her, so instead of giving her what she wanted, he forced her legs further apart, then put his thumb inside her and began to work her clit with his fingers. After a few moments, when she was coming again, he began to bite her inner thigh, hard, while continuing to pleasure her with his fingers. He increased the pressure of both his hand and his mouth until she screamed and came yet again. When he moved away, he saw his teethmarks in two crescents on her skin. They marked her as his and aroused him even further.

He gave her a moment to catch her breath, then pulled her down to the floor on her hands and knees. When he began to fuck her again, his shaft felt like it was on fire. He reached down to pinch the fresh teethmarks on her thigh just to hear her yelp, and sparks erupted from his cock when she did. Just when he finished, she squeezed him with her inner walls and he had one last spasm of exquisite pain.

He stopped moving, staying inside her while letting his weight sink down onto her body. Eventually he braced himself with his knees to keep from crushing her, then pulled them both over onto their sides. Tiny tremors were still rippling through the girl's legs when he put his arm around her.

When they both were able to breathe normally again, he handed her a piece of his discarded clothing to clean up with, then he used it to dry himself.

Sara turned over and sat up. Her hair was wild and covered one eye fetchingly. Her beautiful breasts were still flushed, but she seemed all right otherwise. When he asked her if she was okay, she looked him right in the eye and said, “Oh, yes, Daddy.” Exactly what he wanted to hear.

“Good girl.”

 

Sara didn't have anything to do that afternoon while Kylo was away. She read the novel she had picked out for awhile, then set it down. She needed to think about what was happening. It would be easy to play house and pretend that this was a normal situation with a new lover. She was tempted, but that would be a bad idea. She had to face reality.

The kinky sex was confusing enough, but the real danger to her was that she was now living with a man she didn't really know anything about.

Why was she here with him anyway? Surely the First Order didn't have any use for some random woman from the Resistance. It boggled her mind to think that one of their leaders had kidnapped her just for his sexual pleasure. Unlike previous empires, the First Order didn't seem to rape and pillage needlessly. They usually stuck to their business and left. So why this deviation from the norm?

Didn't the First Order officers have wives? Surely if Kylo wanted a woman, he could pick one out from the hundreds of thousands aboard his flagship. She knew there were official First Order sex workers, because she had met some. Why had he chosen her? She would be useless aboard a ship like this.

The biggest mystery, of course, was her feelings toward him. She knew what he was. He had shown her. But he had also shown her tenderness, and she sensed they did have some things in common, and not just sexually, as he had suggesting in the beginning. They both experienced a sense of loneliness, of not really belonging. Sometimes he seemed confident, but more often he was insecure and self-loathing. Sara knew how that felt too. She hoped it would be enough to save her.

 

Kylo had wanted to spend time with the girl that afternoon, but it had been impossible. Hux and Phasma had asked him to meet with them about the storm trooper who had failed to fire his weapon on Jakku, and that took much longer than it should have. If all three of them didn't have their egos involved, it would have been easier. As it was, Kylo contributed the least to the storm trooper program, and didn't mind critiquing it. Phasma was at least as reasonable as she was thorough, but Hux took it all personally.

Then he sat through some interminable meetings about the super weapon Hux was overseeing, a Starkiller Base that was taking forever to build on some god forsaken ice planet in the Unknown Regions. Hux seemed to think it would be ready relatively soon, but Kylo had heard that before. The entire planet had to be hollowed out first. It was coming along well, granted, but it still had a ways to go. It was supposed to be able to wipe out whole star systems half way across the galaxy, orders of magnitude beyond the Death Stars' abilities to destroy planets.

Hux believed it would be the answer to most of their problems with the Resistance. Kylo wasn't as sure. First of all, the Resistance was almost completely ineffective. Any success they enjoyed was due mainly to their guerrilla warfare tactics. And to his mother's cleverness, of course. To give her her due, he should admit that she also had a lot of heart and a very loyal following. If only she had been able to spare some of that heart and loyalty-inspiring charisma for Kylo, instead of her countless fans. He would have thought her own son would have ranked higher in her priorities.

Eventually the meetings were finished and Kylo was able to escape Hux's constipated face and strident voice. Yoga provided some stress relief, complemented by his hour of meditation. He showered, but just wore regular workout clothes back to his quarters. There was no need to put on all the heavy clothing if he was only going home. He didn't like to show his face outside of his quarters, but with a hood, he would be just one more anonymous crew member.

Sara was reading when he arrived. She was surprised to see him without his usual garb, but didn't ask questions. “I came right from my meditation session,” he told her by way of explanation.

He put away the helmet in the case he had used to carry it home, then went to her. She looked pleased to see him. He took her hands in his, then leaned down and kissed her perfect mouth. She kissed him back hesitantly, then more firmly and squeezed his hands. It was a nice thing to come home to. Unlike everyone else on the ship, she didn't seem to want anything from him except his company.

“Are you hungry?” she asked as they parted.

“Starved,” he answered. “You want to order us something? Heavy on the protein?”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Order what you like. It'll be fine.” Almost anything he could imagine her ordering would be better than cold nutrition squares. Why had he insisted on such a stoic existence for so long?

He put on a play list while she read some dinner selections out loud to make sure they were okay, then they sat on the couch together to wait for dinner. He put his arm around her gingerly, and was glad when she leaned her body into his in response. It made he feel protective of her. He wasn't sure he would be able to tell what the difference was between her and his usual bed partners, even if he had had someone to tell. Maybe it was what seemed like her genuine affection for him. She acted like this was a relationship instead of whatever fucked up thing it really was.

“How was your afternoon?” she asked. He wasn't used to talking about himself, but he found things to say about how boring the meetings were and how much he disliked Hux without telling her anything confidential.

He returned the question to her, and they spent some time discussing the novel she was reading. She had a different take on the main character than he did, and he drew out her thoughts about it rather skillfully, thanks to a number of holos he had seen of literature discussions. He did have some social skills, he just usually didn't care enough to use them. This made him feel like using them.

When that conversation died down, he decided to see if he could find out more about her, about her life and previous partners. He had not found those sorts of discussions interesting in the past, but he hadn't had anyone to discuss anything like that with. He couldn't care less about Hux's wife or even Phasma's personal life, as much as he admired her combat skills.

Kylo decided to broach the subject carefully. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” she answered, as if she had expected it.

“What was your life like before? How did you get into the Resistance? Were you married, or partnered before this, or what?”

She looked thoughtful as she responded. “I haven't been married, but I have had a couple of partners. Two men and one woman, actually. And I've had friends that I loved with no formal arrangement. We just enjoyed spending time together without worrying about what was going to happen next.”

“Did you have anyone . . . on Jakku?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. Kylo was immediately relieved to see he hadn't taken her away from anyone there. “But I did love those people. I've met many people in the Resistance who were kind and generous and good hearted. Not everyone in Tuanal was in the Resistance either, you know. There had been a village there before we arrived.”

Kylo hadn't thought about that before. Why would people who weren't sympathetic to the Resistance allow them to set up a camp in their area? It was just asking for trouble. You might as well issue a formal invitation to the First Order “But they sympathized. Right?”

“Not necessarily. At some of my postings, people didn't even know what was going on. I think the people in the village figured it out after a number of us showed up in the last few months. But Lor San Tekka had lived there for years without most of them knowing anything about him.”

Kylo admitted to himself that was feasible. It wasn't like Tekka had been a war hero. But he remembered reading intel that the village had been some kind of Jedi sympathizer enclave. “There was a Church of the Force or something there. Obviously they sympathized.”

“Some of the people who lived there didn't know much about the Force, the Empire or the Jedi. They didn't have reader or holovids. They were just trying to survive being there. They didn't care one way or another. They didn't think it would make any difference to them who was in charge of the galaxy. Tekka had made life there a little easier for them. That was what they cared about.”

“Why didn't they leave?” Kylo asked, trying to play out the scenario to a logical conclusion.

“Where would they have gone?” Sara asked in return. “Most of them would already have left Jakku if they'd had the resources to in the first place. They were scavengers, traders, food smugglers. They were just barely getting by.”

Kylo's mind protested the way this picture was forming. “But they liked Tekka, right? He was their leader.”

“He was an old man who was willing to share his food and water when necessary. That was all that mattered.”

That disturbed Kylo. It didn't really fit into the narrative he had imagined, with most people taking one side or another, either for the First Order or the Resistance. He thought the conflict had surely left its mark on everyone. He looked down and his voice was hard.

“Then he should have left the spying to others. He should have known he would get them killed if he kept going.” He didn't like thinking about this and it made him angry.

Sara saw it and tried to mitigate it. She touched his leg. “He did. Until we showed up and asked for his help.”

Kylo pulled back in surprise. His arm fell back from her shoulders. “Then you shouldn't have done that. You should have just left him alone.”

Sara looked sad. “I'm sorry. You sound mad. I don't know what else to say.”

His voice got louder. “You could say they had it coming. Or that they trusted the wrong people. Or you could admit that you and your people got them killed.”

Sara sighed. “I guess we did.”

“Then . . . why did you do it?”

Sara no longer leaned into him. They weren't touching at all now. “Most of us were in the Resistance because the First Order wiped out the places we used to live. Or killed the people we lived with. I fell in with them after my parents died. They seemed better than the people who usually needed my skills.”

Kylo found himself looking down, unsure of what to say. “Why were you on Jakku?”

“I was assigned there by the Resistance. I don't know why. I didn't always. I just did what they asked me to and tried to make people's lives a little better. Not everyone has a big role in this. Some of us are just bit players.”

Fortunately the food arrived before anything could go worse. Sara made herself busy setting it out and asking Kylo if he wanted wine or something else to drink. Since wine was not his usual fare, he got them each a container of water.

Now he regretted being combative with her. It might have had ruined the whole night. Sara seemed dispirited as she went about getting things ready, and he decided to change the subject, regardless of whether what she had said had made sense to him or not.

For the rest of the evening, they discussed the food and Sara's varied career. After they finished eating, Kylo figured out how to order a holovid for them, which turned out to be moderately entertaining. Gradually, he made his way back to her side on the couch and tentatively placed his arm around her shoulders again. Immediately she curved herself back into him and rested her hand on his stomach, as if she had been waiting for him to do it. He felt the tension in his body ease.

He did not broach the subject of her personal life again until the were almost ready to go to sleep. They were lying in bed together, hip to hip, reading when he got up his nerve again.

“Can I ask you something else?”

She marked her place in the book and turned to face him a little. He thought he saw a little reluctance there, but she said, “Yes. Go ahead.”

He didn't know why he found this so hard to bring up. Maybe it was his lack of experience. Or maybe it was because he had fucked up so badly earlier. Fuck it. He wanted to know. “So, you had male and female partners?”

“Yes. And one who was neither. Sometimes you just fall in love with someone because of the way they are, regardless of how they look.”

“How did you choose?” One of the many questions he had wondered about for years. How did couples get together?

“I'm not sure I really did. Sometimes you like someone and they don't feel the same way about you. Sometimes it's the opposite. And sometimes you just seem to fit together the right way.”

Kylo slipped an arm around her waist, and tucked his own book away.

“Have you not had partners before?” she asked gently. Before, she had said. As if this were a relationship between the two of them, a partnership.

He felt blood rising to his face, an unfamiliar sensation. “No. I haven't. I've been with official sex workers, but that was all.” The admission pained him somehow, made him feel less than her.

“You make love well,” she said cautiously and smiled, moving her hand up to his chest.

“I don't think I've ever done that,” he admitted, sounding wistful. “I think I've just fucked.”

The soft hand stroked his bare chest. It was soothing. “I thought you made love to me.”

“What's the difference?”

Her hand worked its way up to his neck and rested there. “I think it's how you feel about the person. Why you're having sex with them. If it's just for fun, or to burn off some energy, then maybe it's just fucking. Like with sex workers. If you feel something for the person, though, and they feel something for you, then it's probably making love.”

All this was just making Kylo feel bad. He must be an idiot not to even be able to tell one from the other. And how did you even know if you felt something for someone?

“Why are you being so nice to me? When I've been a dick to you.”

She smiled at him, and he returned it a little shyly. “Because I feel something for you.”

Kylo sure didn't know how to response to that, so he made a clumsy joke to break the tension. “Oh, yeah? I've got something you can feel,” he said lewdly. It was awkward, but the subject had just become too uncomfortable for him to continue. Did he feel something for her or not? How did you know?

She laughed and grinned salaciously. “I know you do. I've felt it a couple of times already.”

“Maybe it'll be different this time,” he said playfully.

She reached over and pulled the sheet away from his lap. “It looks just the same to me.”

“Let's find out,” he agreed as he placed her hand on his cock and guided it back and forth. “Mmmm . . . that feels good.”

She was turning further to straddle his lap. “This feels good too.”

He snugged her closer and moved in for a kiss. She opened her lips softly to receive him, and he stuck his tongue in her mouth, then withdrew. It felt strange to both of them. He interpreted the look on her face as being less than happy.

“I don't . . . I haven't done this much before,” he confessed. “Sex workers don't kiss on the mouth.” Another deficiency on his part. When would he ever be able to catch up? He was incompetent at everything important.

“It's okay,” she assured him. She kissed his lips softly at first, then harder, opening her mouth and darting her tongue into his. Then she repeated it, this time circling his tongue with her own, then pulling back. When he did the same thing to her, she sucked his tongue gently before releasing it. She led and he followed, kissing open mouthed, tongues teasing, pressing their lips together in different ways.

When he seemed to be breathing deeply, she moved her hand down between their bodies and placed it on his erection. She guided it into her body, then began to move her hips. He took advantage of her position on top to grab her breasts, squeezing just right and digging his fingers in. She gasped and orgasmed, her hips jerking. When she was done, he rolled her over so he was on top.

He entered her again, then grabbed both her hands and pinned them over her head against the mattress, keeping them in place with one of his own. Having complete control over her like this was very stimulating.

It made up for her having to teach him how to kiss. It was frustrating to have her know more than he did, especially about sex. It insulted his masculinity. It made him feel like a kid. And it made him want to fuck her all the harder. So he did. Which set off a series of orgasms that had her moaning. He put his mouth on hers to quiet it, which led him to come as well. He released her mouth and her hands, then he collapsed on top of her, crushing her body into the mattress. She groaned humorously and tried to push him off of her. He fought her long enough to give her one last kiss, then rolled off.

“Now you have to sleep in the wet spot,” she teased him.

He already had a handful of tissue and was cleaning himself off. “Not me. I'm the next Supreme Leader.”

“Are you going to bring Hux in to sleep in the wet spot then?”

He threw his tissues away and handed some to her. “Maybe. I wouldn't have thought you would have wanted Hux in your bed.”

“Phasma then?”

“You did say you'd had a female partner before.”

Sara giggled. “She's taller than you are.”

“So?”

They both laughed as he took her in his arms and they settled down to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where Sara tries to figure out what motivates Kylo to act the way he does. She can imagine his point of view to a certain extent, but not entirely.
> 
> I remember when a reporter asked Adam Driver how he felt about playing a villain in Star Wars, he sort of got into character and asked how many people had been on the Death Star when the Rebels had blown that up. I remember thinking about that as a child, but I was convinced of the goodness of the rebels, so I sort of assumed most of it had been automated. 
> 
> Actors who play villains usually play them as if the character thinks he is the hero instead of the villain. You have to understand their point of view. Adam said that Kylo was a zealot, and like any zealot, he's convinced his side is moral. In this case, the ends (peace) justify the means (galaxy domination). Zealots are usually dangerous, regardless of which side they are on. 
> 
> I wanted Sara to have to come to terms with the fact that she is falling in love with someone she disagrees with morally. When he tells her about how he views the way his parents treated him and his version of how Luke had tried to kill him, she gets more insight into his psyche, including the fact that Snoke had been influencing him for as long as he can remember. 
> 
> I tried to indirectly indicate that Sara knew Kylo was being deceptive when he asked for her help by showing his unusual behavior of licking his lips, how she saw old scars on his face for the first time, and how his behavior seemed rehearsed. 
> 
> When I started writing the undressing scene, I hadn't intended for Sara to dominate Kylo, but when the elastics got tangled, my imagination went in a whole other direction. I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as I did. I like the fact that he lightens up afterward a little and make a joke.


	5. BB-8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara has agreed to help Kylo question BB-8, but her first loyalties are still to the Resistance. How can she mollify Kylo without further betraying her comrades?
> 
> The situation is becoming more serious for Kylo as well, as he copes with frustration after frustration in trying to find the map to Skywalker.
> 
> Kylo reminisces about his history with Snoke and worries about his future.

The little droid was a BB unit, round body with a half-moon head. He was an automech used mainly by X-wing pilots to run their ships while they flew. This one was orange and white, and his primary photo receptor reminded Sara of a big eye, almost like he had a face. His body was somewhat dirty and worn, but he was in generally good condition overall.

The unit conversed in droidspeak code, which meant he would be easy enough to talk to. He had, however, received some unconventional modifications that meant Sara needed to use a manual input system as well as her voice to communicate with him. That's what she told Kylo and Hux anyway.

The first thing she discovered was that his tracking mode had been disconnected. That was why they had been able to capture him, since the Resistance hadn't known where he was.

Sara didn't know exactly how to proceed. Kylo Ren, back in his battered combat helmet, stood behind her watching. She wished he would take it off so she could see his face, but he wouldn't do that in the presence of others, especially Hux and his men. It made her feel like she was dealing with someone she didn't know.

She decided to just talk to the droid first, to get a sense of what was going on. “Okay, we are looking for a map. It may be on a chip or some other kind of device. Do you know what we're looking for?”

He turned his round eye toward her and made a series of high pitched squeaks, asking who she was.

“I'm Sara Calla.”

He answered with several whistles and beeps, wanting clarification.

“The First Order,” she started. “Well, I'm not in the First Order, but that's who's asking.”

More high pitched warbling.

“Yes, I was at Tuanal with Tekka. I just lived there though. I'm not any part of this.”

BB-8's sounded disappointed.

“No, I'm not with the Resistance. I'm just a person.”

The roly poly droid started to argue with her, but Sara wasn't having it. It was too dangerous.

She assumed the First Order didn't have anyone who was as fluid in droidspeak as she was or they wouldn't be using her. However, someone present might understand more than they were letting on. Most people communicated well enough with droids casually, after all. If she let the thing keep talking, he could ruin everything.

“Look, just answer my questions,” she told him firmly. “Do you know where the map is?”

Now he was silent.

“Okay, since you aren't cooperating, I'm going to take you into maintenance mode to find out for myself.”

He made an unhappy noise.

“Well, if I don't get this map they're looking for, they're going to tear you apart to find it.” Maybe that would let him know that she wasn't exactly one of them and how serious the situation was.

He was already connected to the diagnostic unit, which had its own input screen. She started the regular queries she would have had to run anyway, then began a side query directly into the droid's communication circuit. He chirped at her.

“No, it doesn't hurt. Droids don't feel pain. You're just saying that. Be quiet.”

The side query mode really wasn't designed for direct interaction with this model droid, but she had seen people do it with other droids, and she was hoping this one would catch on. She typed in a request for him to prepare to receive private messaging from her, but to say nothing. His silence now seemed to indicate that he understood.

“The pilot told them you have it. Poe.” A low toned electric moan came out of it.

“Yes, and they had to torture him to get it,” Sara replied, trying to impress on the droid the peril they were in. “So, if you don't come up with the map, they'll just keep torturing him until he dies. And they will take you down to your bare components. Then they'll destroy the components. So you better speak up. Now.” Her hands were sweating and her fingers were starting to slip on the screen.

Meanwhile in Sara's non-verbal side query, she told the droid to erase the data on the device and then hand it over. The First Order should be able to analyze the device enough to see that it had held something, but not enough for them to recreate the information. If the BB unit just erased the chip without giving it to them, they would proceed to tear him apart and probably kill the pilot, Poe, as she had said. It would be a better option to turn it over blank and hope to be returned to the Resistance eventually, and maybe save Poe's life as well. They probably wouldn't kill him as long as they didn't actually have the map.

Hopefully the droid could indeed erase the data while it was still hidden. Then she told him to make some nonsense noises as if he were saying something only she could understand.

He did so immediately.

“Right now!” she specified sternly. “I mean it.”

Sara held her breath until a button popped up. When Sara pressed it, a little hidden compartment with an interface inside opened. Sara reached in and pulled out a strange looking piece of technology that had been interfaced with the droid. She turned to give it over to Kylo.

“Here's your map.”

Kylo's gloved hand closed over the plastic unit.

He moved to a data station in the wall and tried to insert it. It didn't fit. He went to another console and tried another interface. “It's blank,” his mechanical voice droned out.

Sara feigned surprise, but said nothing. Hux spoke up instead. “What?”

Kylo took the component out, then put it in again. He touched the screen several times. “It's been wiped. There was something on it, but it's been erased.”

Sara turned back to the droid. She had to be careful. “Is this what Poe gave you?”

He made an affirmative sound.

“Did you erase it?”

He didn't say specifically that he had not erased the information, but he indicated that he couldn't do that without authorization. Which was true. Sara had been the one to authorize it.

“Do you know what was on it?”

The droid answered truthfully that it did not.

“Did you make a copy of it?”

Again the droid demurred answering directly, while implying that no, he hadn't. Sara was relieved that he seemed to understand the subterfuge.

“Did Poe give you anything else? Are you holding anything? Are you hiding something?''

BB-8 indicated that the device had been his only cargo, and he had no other hidden compartments. Which was not a direct lie.

“No,” Sara translated for their audience. “There's nothing else.”

Hux was red in the face. “How do we know it's not lying?”

Sara turned her chair around to face him. “This type of droid can't lie.” She didn't mention that it had self-modified in such a way that it could withhold information by refusing to answer questions directly. It was true, however, that the vast majority of BB units couldn't dissemble.

Kylo's mechanized voice spoke next. His hands were constricted into fists. “Are you sure?”

Sara felt the lightest fringe of what she now recognized as the Force trying to enter her mind to check, and she employed the strategy Kylo had mentioned earlier about thinking in code. She focused on her certainty that BB units always told the truth. In a manner of speaking, it was absolutely accurate. They couldn't lie, and this was the only one she'd seen that had self-modified the way it had.

She looked at Kylo's mask where the eye sockets were. “You can talk to droids. You heard what he said.”

The Force fringe disappeared and Kylo turned back to the console. He brought out his lightsaber and ignited it. The unstable red blade crackled and hissed as he swung it, slicing into the console and gradually tearing it to pieces, yelling all the while. If this is what he was like because of a disappointment, he would be terrifying in battle.

Sara had not witnessed him lose his temper like this since she had seen him kill Tekka, and this actually seemed a bit worse. No one else reacted except to look down or even move away from him a little though. It must not be out of character for him, she decided. She clenched her jaw and waited for it to end.

After a minute or two, it did. The red plasma blade disappeared and Kylo hooked the hilt to the back of his belt again. She could hear him breathing hard through the vocabulator in his helmet.

“You may return to quarters,” he told her impassively, indicating that she should go with the clerk waiting for her.

The faceless, black figure turned to the nearest storm troopers. “Bring the pilot to the interrogation chamber. Immediately!”

The two troopers on the end peeled off and went to do Kylo's bidding.

Kylo threw a glance at Hux as they departed. “I'll get to the bottom of this,” he said, as if he suspected Hux of subterfuge.

BB-8 made a small noise of alarm. Sara patted him gently. “I know. I'm with you.”

 

Kylo Ren stalked to the interrogation room. He was going to rip the pilot's mind to shreds. He had finally gotten a chance to locate Skywalker and confront him, and now it had been snatched right out of his hands. He had been waiting years for this. He would get more information out of the pilot one way or another.

The interrogation room, however, was empty. Not even a guard was stationed outside.

Kylo activated his comm. “FN 6519, report.”

The storm trooper answered right away. “The prisoner's cell is empty, sir. He was checked out by FN 2187 some time ago. Did you send him to retrieve the prisoner?”

Kylo felt his fury rising again. It was the trooper from the village! The one who had refused to fire. Kylo should have killed him on the spot! “No! No! FN 2187, report! Report! FN 2187!” Kylo reached out through the Force and failed to locate FN 2187 aboard ship. The pilot, Poe Dameron, was similarly nowhere to be found.

Coming so close on the heels of his last fit of pique, the hilt of his red lightsaber was still warm when he ignited it. He destroyed the interrogation table utterly, and severely damaged some of the walls. Sparks flew from the cross guard as well as the blade and even some of the metal facings on the table as he slashed ferociously with it. He was not even aware he was screaming.

 

Kylo had a headache. The evening had been a vexing series of setbacks for him. The lack of information on the data device alone had been personally devastating to him.

Then the pilot escaped and a storm trooper helped him. Escape and desertion were unheard of. It made everyone involved look very bad. Each aggravation piled on top of the previous one until everything had become a dull ache all over his head.

He could not let Hux or Snoke know the depth of his disappointment that he would not be able to go challenge his uncle. He felt his temper flare, and with it, the impulse to destroy something again, but he was able to pull himself back together and concentrate this time.

According to Snoke and Hux, the real problem was the escape of the pilot and the aid he had received from the traitor FN 2187. It would be humiliating for people to learn of it, and encourage others to attempt it themselves. Their inability to find the map that led to Skywalker, which was his personal concern, was considered secondary. He tried to resign himself to obedience.

Hux had been livid when Kylo had suggested that perhaps his men were less than loyal, and that had been why the storm trooper had been able to get away. That accusation was not really fair, since he and Phasma were equally as responsible as Hux for the storm trooper training program. Kylo knew he needed to get Hux upset so that he wouldn't be thinking clearly about Kylo's motivations though. Maybe Sara had a point about manipulation. He would have to think about it more.

Kylo had traveled from his flagship, the Finalizer, to the ship where Snoke lived -- if you could call that living -- the Supremacy. It, along with almost of the entire fleet, had been, and still was, orbiting Starkiller Base, a planet being turned into a weapon which would humble even the Death Stars in its ability to annihilate.

Kylo and Hux had been ordered to appear before the Supreme Leader to “update” him. Kylo knew he took his life into his hands every time he met with Snoke, and this time had been no different. Many unworthy visitors over the years had to be carried out instead of walking out under their own power.

Kylo had put his uncle out of his thoughts, and directed his full attention to his mentor. He had been trying to guard his own mind as much as possible without making it readily apparent that was what he was doing. At least Skywalker's concentration techniques had turned out to be good for something.

He and Hux had traveled separately to the Supremacy. They tried to avoid each other whenever possible, even when it wasn't convenient or efficient. Their mutual dislike suited Snoke very well, so he allowed it.

Snoke had summoned them together to his Throne Room though, so together they went. Once there, Hux had groveled and sucked up, and Snoke had praised him extravagantly as usual. He always tried to take credit for Kylo's successes, and almost always got it. At least Kylo himself knew what he had accomplished, but he really wished Snoke would acknowledge him, at least once in awhile. He couldn't bring himself to toady for it the way Hux did, though. The achievement alone should be enough.

Kylo remembered back to how it had been in the beginning, when Snoke had initially brought him into the First Order. Those had been days of both heady praise and private mourning, shortly after he had fled from the academy. At that time, he had envisioned his relationship with Snoke as a valuable mentor/apprentice alliance, beneficial to both of them. He would serve Snoke, and Snoke would guide him into his power with the Dark Side. Of course, that had been before Kylo's constant failures had started to consume Snoke's respect for him. Kylo once again resolved to be more worthy of Snoke's attention.

Now Hux seemed to think that Starkiller Base would be the answer to their problems with the Resistance, “if it even still exists,” he had said.

Kylo knew it still existed. He would have known if his mother had died, and as long as she lived, so did the Resistance. He had no love left for her, but even he might have been concerned for her if he had more faith in Hux's weapon. Luckily, they had no more chance to destroy his mother now than they ever had.

Hux may have been a constant thorn in Kylo's side, but his problems with Snoke were much more serious.

Snoke had initially used the Force to contact Kylo psychically when he was a child, back when he had still been called Ben. Snoke listened sympathetically to Ben's complaints about missing his parents when he was being babysat by droids. He had encouraged Ben's plans to be a pilot like his daddy, and supported all his other childish enthusiasms: toys, animals, books. He was available to talk when Ben's parents weren't around or when he had been reprimanded. Snoke sympathized. He commiserated.

Snoke had become Ben's first friend, and he had been as good a friend as possible for someone you couldn't see or touch. Sometimes Ben had thought Snoke was an invisible, or make believe, friend. At the time, he hadn't realized that Snoke was a real, fully grown person living far away in another star system. No one else ever mentioned Snoke or acknowledged his presence. Ben thought Snoke was just for him.

Snoke had been encouraging to the boy named Ben Solo. Discussions with Snoke were not always reassuring about things like his parents, but Snoke was positive about Ben's future in general. Eventually, of course, Snoke had begun to want things from Ben too, things which Ben had been happy to give, at least at first. Then Snoke said he should keep their friendship a secret. He said that friends kept secrets for each other. So Ben never told his parents, or anyone else, about the voice in his head.

As he grew, Ben had needed someone to talk to about his burgeoning power with the Force. He knew his mother could call upon it, but she didn't have any advice to give her son about it. Snoke suggested it was because she didn't care about him as much as she did the people she worked with. That's who she spent her time with, after all. Ben was just a bother to her.

Snoke told Ben about how he came from an long line of warriors, and how he would grow up to be someone important. He assured Ben that when he attained his rightful power, things like the love of his parents would seem less important to him.

The problems Kylo had experienced when he was younger had only gotten worse as he got older. In fact, the Force seemed to contribute to his difficulties. As his resentment towards his parents' absence and lack of attention grew, so did incidents of malfunctions and breakdowns, and objects that fell off shelves and shattered with no one near. These episodes scared Kylo himself. He wanted these things to stop, to achieve some kind of peace, but it didn't seem possible.

Snoke helped Ben listen to the conversations his parents had about him behind closed doors. It turned out that they were afraid of him. They talked about him as if he wasn't their son, but some kind of monster, and that hurt. No wonder they didn't really love him.

When they sent Ben to Leia's brother, Luke, to train as a Jedi, Snoke had explained it was really because they were frightened for their own safety, not because they thought it was best for him. Parents who loved their children wanted to be with them, Snoke advised him, not send them away, even to other family members. It was so sad that his parents didn't really love him, not like Snoke did. Ben started having elaborate revenge fantasies about his parents, which led him to think maybe he really was a monster like they had said.

Snoke's mental discussions with Ben had tapered off when he was at Luke's training academy. Ben had thought for awhile that the training might work. He might learn how to control himself. He might make his uncle proud. Maybe even his parents.

He was able to make friends with a few of the other boys at the academy, and enjoyed their camaraderie. He felt as if he were a part of something bigger than himself, and the academy environment suited him: teamwork, training, military history, learning strategy and tactics. He liked the structure of it too, how you could count on days being the same, not randomly rearranged like some kind of crazy puzzle pieces for no apparent reason.

He had enjoyed Luke's attention too. In Ben's hands, the Force had a vitality that it lacked with the others, and his confidence and power in using it far outstripped that of the other padawans. Ben thought he was finally learning how to stop causing accidents and exercise restraint over himself. It gave him hope.

Luke had noticed how gifted Ben was with the Force and helped him advance in his lightsaber studies faster than some of the other students. His uncle had told him about some of the problems he himself had experienced when he had been young, and how he had dealt with them.

The biggest problem that Ben could see seemed to be Luke's unreasonable fear of the Dark side. Ben hadn't thought Jedis were supposed to feel emotions like fear, but he could sense it in Luke, even if his uncle wouldn't admit it. Luke didn't want to give into fear, because that was one of the negative emotions that led to the Dark side. He thought he should be beyond fear.

Ben Solo felt the pull of both the Light and the Dark. All the time. He was trying to learn to balance between them, but Luke insisted that he fight the Dark; it could only lead to evil.

Ben had a feeling he found hard to articulate that the Dark side was less about evil, and more about the desire to use the Force for only for yourself. Allowing the Force to use you for the common good was the Light side. Using the Force for your own power and advancement was the Dark side. Selfishness versus altruism. There had to be a way to navigate between them, to take care of yourself and also help others, but Luke had been very discouraging. He didn't think there could be a balance.

As Ben's training had progressed, Luke had started to believe his nephew's talent was dangerous, and began to be afraid of him, as Ben's own parents had been afraid of him. In some ways, Luke's judgment of him only confirmed his own assessment of himself. Ben started to think that maybe turning to the Dark side was his destiny.

Luke rarely spoke of Yoda, but Ben would have recognized the truth in Yoda's teaching that fear led to anger, anger led to hate, and hate led to suffering. In this case, Luke's fear finally led to Ben's suffering. Skywalker's emotions seemed to get the better of him, and Ben vowed to never let that happen to him. He would keep his feelings in check.

It seemed ironic to Ben that Luke was supposed to have nurtured Ben and led him to the Light side. Instead Luke's dread of the Dark side ended up opening Ben to it even more.

Luke's fear had led him to Ben's bedside one night, lightsaber in hand. Ben had been asleep, but was woken up by a warning from the Force before Luke had the chance to swing. When Ben had seen the lightsaber and sensed Luke's intention to kill him via the Force, Ben panicked.

He reached for his own lightsaber and ignited it, then he and his uncle crossed swords. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold off his uncle for long. Luke was far stronger, with more experience and training. He would soon overpower his nephew, and that would be the end.

In his terror, Ben had called on the Force for help, and it had pulled down the very stones of the roof onto Luke. Why the Force had done that to one of its own, Ben never figured out. In that second, the boy had half hoped that it would kill them both, freeing him from the daily struggle his life had become.

Ben found himself alive, however, with Luke presumably dead beneath the rubble of the building. When he reached out with the Force, he could sense his uncle was alive, but unconscious. The other students gathered around him, peppering him with questions. What had happened? Why had he attacked Luke? What were they going to do now? None of them had the same connection to the Force, and they didn't believe him when he told them Luke wasn't dead.

He and the other future Knights of Ren had tried to fend for themselves on another planet for a short time. They attempted to work as mercenaries, but were unable to get hired. Nobody wanted a group of half-grown teenagers.

Ben's presence was like a beacon to Snoke, who sent his men to bring Ben and the other boys to him. His long-time psychic friend had welcomed Ben and his friends warmly, and encouraged Ben's attempts to find balance in the Force. Snoke had been so impressed with Ben's power and lineage. He had provided everything the boy needed to continue his training: the best equipment, the finest teachers.

Ben had felt some misgivings about Snoke, especially when he was somewhat removed from Snoke's influence at Skywalker's training academy. That's why he hadn't gone to Snoke straight away. But after Snoke brought him in, Ben realized he had no other place to go. His family had betrayed him and sent him away.

When he was inducted into the First Order, there was no turning back. It was too late to have second thoughts. So Kylo had concentrated on doing the best he could and sucking up the rest.

Snoke had given Ben special attention, and encouraged him to live up to his true potential. He had been the one to tell Ben the truth about his grandfather, Darth Vader, which had been very unsettling. Everyone else had lied to him about about how Vader and Skywalker had been trying to kill each other. He couldn't believe how much his parents had deceived him.

Snoke emphasized how Darth Vader had been feared and respected throughout the galaxy, an example Ben should emulate. When Snoke recounted how Luke himself had led to Vader's downfall, Ben decided maybe Luke hadn't been the best person to guide him after all. If Vader hadn't succumbed to sentiment at the last minute, everything would have been different. Better, maybe.

Ben changed his name to Kylo Ren, taking his last name from the newly formed Knights of Ren. He no longer wanted to be associated with Han Solo, his unreachable father. He began building a reputation for ruthlessness and brutality, to follow in the footsteps of his notorious grandfather.

Fear started to keep people away from him, so he didn't have to worry about interacting with them very much anymore. Snoke was taking care of him. He didn't actually have to be as vicious as possible, either, once his reputation was established. When people already knew what a villain he was, they attributed everything he did to the worst possible motives.

It was even easier once he had started wearing a mask and no longer had a face. When he had put on his battle helmet for the Knights of Ren, he had felt invulnerable for the first time. He had never wanted to take it off.

Kylo began to take comfort from other people's fear, from how they moved away when he approached. That made them less likely to victimize him. Snoke taught him how to channel his sentimental feelings into anger and bloodlust, instead of sorrow, regret, or love. The emotions of the Dark side were stronger.

Ultimately, however, Snoke had began to find fault with Kylo. It became worse than it had been with his parents. Everything Kylo did was wrong, not good enough, especially for someone who had shown as much promise as he had. Kylo began to get angry again and damage things around him, but this time it was with a lightsaber instead of the Force or his hands, so maybe that was an improvement. He had thought he'd outgrown that need to destroy things, but there it was overpowering his self control again.

When Snoke praised Kylo, it made him feel valued, appreciated, as if he had something to contribute. He lived for those occasions, but they came less and less frequently as time went on. As Snoke wore down his student's defenses, Kylo began to feel more lonely, more vulnerable. Snoke wouldn't let him forget the way his own family had given him away and tried to kill him. And the way that Kylo had barely been able to defend himself. Those unpleasant reminders were for his own good. He had recognize his own faults and guard against them. Like feelings of attachment to his parents. Weakness.

Kylo began to realize that he was at the mercy of the Supreme Leader and the First Order. He had to figure out a way to keep from getting killed or being used up by those around him. He doubled down on achieving a bad reputation. He had started wearing the helmet constantly except when he was alone. He sent his loyal knights out to strategic positions in the military hierarchy to enforce his will and listen to rumors for him.

Snoke began to discipline Kylo with Force lightning, which Kylo had never seen before. Kylo was hard headed, but that punishment took him down pretty quickly. He was able to use the Force to make himself stronger and tougher in battle, but he had no defense against his mentor.

Any time he displeased Snoke by expressing any doubt, any disagreement, any kind of independent thinking, Snoke electrocuted him, often throwing him across the room in the process. These episodes broke bones and sometimes left strange white branching scars on Kylo's body. The worst was when Snoke asked him to explain his actions, but then took his explanation as insubordination. He felt like he couldn't win.

Force lightening wasn't Snoke's worst punishment, though. When Kylo had been particularly rebellious or disobedient, Snoke subjected him to “memory walks,” also known as Torture by Chagrin. He mentally reached into Kylo's mind and forced him to relive all the worst memories of his life, of both physical and emotional suffering, to the point of almost bodily pain. Kylo detested these sessions worse than anything else, but Snoke justified them by telling Kylo that subjects who had endured them later demonstrated gains in both intelligence and efficiency, after they recovered. Again, Snoke was doing this for Kylo's own good.

Kylo gave up any thoughts of marriage or family, and he dedicated himself to Snoke and the Dark Side. He started thinking he wouldn't live very long, and decided that would be a mercy. It took all his training, and all his will, to remain calm most of the time instead of giving himself up to the furies that drove him. And it took all his heart not to give up and allow himself to be killed in battle. It would have been so easy. He had been losing hope of late.

Until he came across Sara. Since then, Kylo had begun to question the rightness of his beliefs. Her affection for him didn't seem to diminish her. Her strength seemed to add to his own, weakening neither of them. And when he was with her, she made him feel more capable instead of less. When he had managed to help her out of her depression, he had felt happy for the first time in a long time, proud. Life with her was enjoyable, satisfying. She brought out strange feelings in him that he didn't know how to negotiate, but he wanted to try.

And in her presence, he realized he had began to doubt he would survive living with Snoke much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to include the map to Skywalker in the story because I think Kylo's falling out with Luke has been eating at him a long time. I also wanted a chance to include BB-8. This scene includes a reminder that Kylo tortured Poe, so we remember he has not been a nice guy. 
> 
> There wasn't much action in this chapter, but I did lay out my version of Kylo's history with Snoke, which I think has been pretty abusive, both in my story and in canon. See my meta on Tumblr for more:  
> http://evilgrrl.tumblr.com/post/173873211358/the-seduction-of-ben-solo-a-meta-thread-about
> 
> I also recently found out about "memory walks" from the fan fiction "Sword of the Jedi" by diasterism, which broke my heart and I highly recommend, even though it has very little smut. Great read about Rey becoming a Jedi knight at the Academy with Ben Solo. I thought the concept of memory walks was pretty horrific reading the fan fiction, then I looked it up on Wookiepedia and found out it was cannon. Ugh. I didn't make my account of it as bad as it could be, so be thankful for small favors.


	6. Snoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has a crisis when Snoke makes him take off his mask, and it is up to Sara to comfort him.
> 
> Sara has agreed to help Kylo question BB-8, but her first loyalties are still to the Resistance. How can she mollify Kylo without further betraying her comrades?
> 
> The situation is becoming more serious for Kylo as well, as he copes with frustration after frustration in trying to find the map to Skywalker.
> 
> Kylo reminisces about his history with Snoke and worries about his future.

Kylo and Hux had been ordered back into Leader Snoke's presence again, the second time in two days. Hux had given his report, and soon it was to be Kylo's turn. They were both down on one knee before their leader.

Kylo had listened to Hux's wheedling and excuses, then concentrated on ignoring him as he walked out of the Throne Room, trying to hold his head high. He had been dressed down very severely, but had not been physically punished. Kylo did not think he would escape as lightly. Hux had been able to deliver a little good news about the weapon. Kylo had no good news.

Snoke was no less impressive in person than he was via hologram. He wasn't the colossus he appeared to be in hologram form, but he was still a giant by humans standards. Even if he hadn't wielded the Force as a weapon, he would still have been able to tear Kylo or Hux apart with his bare hands, or he would had been when he was in his prime. Now he was very old, and the Dark side had eaten away at him like an insect inside a snake. You could see it in his face. Kylo felt a sinister energy emanating from him even now as he sat on his throne.

At least Kylo's focus was good. Being with the girl had strengthened him, restored him in small part. Now he delegated her to the part of his mind he had been able to conceal from Snoke, the part that he thought made him still human.

The Supreme Leader cackled as Hux reached the door, one last dig to hurt his confidence. Now he turned to his student. He was in a jolly mood, which wasn't necessarily good. Kylo continued kneeling.

Snoke made sure Hux was completely out the door before he began speaking to Kylo. Once that would have made Kylo feel special, like he was getting to hear something that Hux was not good enough to hear. Now he knew it was just another way Snoke had to manipulate him.

Snoke's voice was soft and intimate, as if indeed the words he was speaking to Kylo were a special gift for him alone.

“You may wonder why I keep a rabid cur in such as position of power,” Snoke confided, directing his lesson to Kylo. “Mark this – a cur's weakness, properly manipulated, can be a sharp tool.”

Not long ago, Kylo would have taken that statement at face value, and used it to let his pride expand a little that he was not treated so. But Kylo had listened to Sara's warning, and had been thinking about his history with Snoke. Now he was picking at the edges of their story together, analyzing it in a new light. What if Sara were right, and Snoke had been provoking specific reactions for his own reasons all these years?

Kylo realized he was the cur in Snoke's analogy just as much as Hux was, perhaps even more. He had been trapped in Snoke's machinations, trying to avoid his punishment and attract his praise for so long that he had not been able to see it before.

The Supreme Leader had created and intensified the competition and hostility between the general and the apprentice to keep them both off balance, flailing to avoid his disapproval. If they didn't hate each other so virulently, they might have been able to make common cause against him. They might collaborate to overthrow him and establish their own administration. But his manipulations conveniently kept them at each other's throats.

Kylo threw up a shield around this new understanding. Now he moved the spotlight of his attention to his hatred of Hux. He wanted to appear to be the student he had always been. He nodded reverentially, as if he had taken Snoke's words to be of great value. “Yes, Master. You are wise, as always.”

Snoke's jolliness disappeared. His voice was peevish instead. “You say that as if you listen to the lessons I give you, but obviously you do not, or you would not keep failing me so constantly. Your feeble attempts to locate the map have come to nothing.”

This was not a promising start, and Kylo felt his heart beat a bit faster. He felt chagrin at being berated yet again, despite the fact that he suspected it was undeserved.

“The only thing standing between us and the final destruction of the Jedi Order is your uncle.” The disgust in his voice gnawed at Kylo. And why did Snoke have to remind him again that he was related by blood to hated the last Jedi?

“Your utter inability to pry the map from a simple droid or a Resistance fighter of less-than-average intelligence astounds me.”

This criticism cut, accurate as it was. Not only had he not gotten the information, but the pilot and the storm trooper had escaped on his watch as well, even though he was not in charge of security.

“If Hux's storm troopers were more capable -”

Snoke interrupted him rudely. “You are as much to blame as Hux. And I had much higher expectations for you.”

Snoke did a rare thing and stood up. Kylo braced himself, sensing that Snoke was preparing his main attack. The Supreme Leader descended from the dais and approached Kylo, still kneeling on the floor.

“When I found you, I found what all masters live to see: raw, untamed power.” Snoke's words echoed through the vast Throne Room and through Kylo's mind. This time it did not make him feel good.

“And beyond that, something truly special: the potential of your bloodline.” Snoke indicated Kylo with his hand, and made a small, theatrical bow.

Snoke was closer than Kylo was comfortable with, yet he was speaking the way he used to, when Kylo had still occupied a place of favor with him. “A new Vader.”

His voice took on a tone of disappointment. “But now I fear I was mistaken.”

Kylo steeled himself for whatever was to come.

“I thought you had seen the truth about the degenerate Jedi order and your uncle's cowardly retreat, but now I start to suspect that you have been unable to bring yourself to move against Skywalker because of sentiment, the same thing that brought about your grandfather's downfall.”

Kylo tried to keep from slipping back into his old habit of letting Snoke's criticism unbalance him. But the old pattern was hard to break. The Supreme Leader knew Kylo's psyche very well, which was appropriate, since he had built it. He had manipulated Kylo so deftly for so long that Kylo was falling right back into the jaws of Snoke's trap, even though he had seen it coming. Snoke knew the locations of all the buttons to push in order to move Kylo around like a piece on a game board, and the order in which to push them.

Kylo attempted to keep his wits about him, but found himself becoming angry at this blatant misstatement.

“I hate Skywalker!” Kylo spoke up. “I would do anything to defeat him. He means nothing to me.”

“Skywalker is an easy target,” Snoke sneered. “You cling to him and the rest of your inbred clan despite my best efforts to free you from them. You are worthless!”

“I have no family!” Kylo shouted, his voice distorted by the mask. “I have given everything I have to you – to the Dark side. Everything!”

And he had. He had given up his name, his face, his family and his friends.

“You have been defeated by the same fatal flaw that doomed your grandfather. You choose cheap emotions over loyalty. Your mind is as depraved as the Jedi order. Your family is a disgrace.”

Kylo knew Snoke could sense the hurt and indignation rising in him, but found it difficult to control himself.

“Take that ridiculous thing off,” said Snoke, his voice dripping with venom.

For a moment, Kylo was unable even to reference what the Supreme Leader was talking about. Then it hit him: his mask. The battle helmet he had earned as one of the Knights of Ren. The mark of his leadership there. And the way he had chosen to honor his grandfather.

Tears had beaten Kylo's self composure more than once recently, and he was distressed to find himself crying again. It was disgustingly weak, but he felt as if the foundation of his life had been eaten out from under him.

His mask had protected him from his shame and disgrace for years. It had hidden his vulnerabilities and failings, and helped him become feared by all who saw him. And now it was about to become a source of humiliation itself.

Hesitantly, he reached up and removed the mask that had guarded him for so long and put it under his arm. He saw Snoke moving even closer, and willed himself to think of nothing, to remain motionless, no matter what Snoke did to him, no matter what it cost him.

A craggy hand with a cracked fingernail reached toward Kylo's face, and wiped a tear from his eye. Snoke's touch was like acid.

“Disgraceful,” he pronounced. “I'd had such hopes for you. But you have too much of your father's heart in you, young Solo. A good bloodline adulterated with weak links.” His voice conveyed his revulsion more than adequately.

He turned back to return to his throne, his golden robe whispering across the floor.

Kylo felt rage overwhelm his grief and humiliation. “I've done everything you've asked me to do,” he yelled.

Snoke pivoted back toward Kylo, anger and derision on his face. “Then that is a measure of your deficiency, that you have given your all, and it is not good enough!” He was shouting now, the sound reverberating through Kylo's head.

“You cannot follow the simplest of instructions! You are unbalanced! Hux would make a better student than you! You failed!”

Kylo's hatred bubbled out in a gush. His mortification was unbearable! Grimacing, he stood, dropping his cape from his shoulders at the same time. Before he could move a step toward his teacher, though, electricity erupted from Snoke's fingertips, bouncing off the floor to envelope Kylo and knock him to the floor in agony. This was the worst one he had yet experienced, and his nerves and synapses pulsed with pain.

Snoke's Praetorian Guards snapped into combat stances, their weapons pointed at Kylo. They returned to parade rest at a gesture of Snoke's hand.

Snoke made his way slowly back to the throne, his movements tired, no longer using the Force to buoy up his decaying body. He dropped into the seat heavily, wearily.

By then Kylo had recovered himself a bit and assumed his kneeling position again with only a little difficulty.

“At this very moment, your father, Han Solo, works for our demise. Your mother's influence on him makes him a formidable weapon for the Resistance. They are a spear in my side.”

Kylo hated the way Snoke pronounced his father's name. He couldn't stand hearing about Han Solo again either.

“You are rapidly losing my confidence. However, if you were able to assassinate one or both of your parents, taking them completely off the playing field, I might take that as proof of your loyalty.”

Kylo's head spun. Luke Skywalker he had been ready to face and kill if necessary, as he himself had tried to kill Kylo. But his parents? Yes, they had abandoned him and he hated them, but he wasn't yet ready to murder them.

In that moment, Kylo realized that, without his helmet, his face was naked for Snoke to read. Of course, Snoke had always been able to feel Kylo's emotions through the Force before, but this felt worse now, more intimate somehow. He felt completely exposed.

Snoke interpreted him too well. “I see you do still have some. . . attachment to them. Foolish emotionalism. It is your love for them that keeps you torn, forever in conflict. Once you eliminate them, you will no longer hear the call of the Light. You will be stronger, free from love and other outdated concepts. You will be able to use the Force for your own purposes, not act as its puppet.”

The words stirred Kylo, but he had heard them before. Once you do this, you will no longer feel the call to the Light. After you do that, the Light will no longer have such a hold on you. It had not been true before. How could it be true now? But Kylo's mind was going in circles, starting to consider murdering his parents even now. It felt like he would die inside if he did not do as his master wanted, but wasn't he half dead already?

“I had thought you would be the one to destroy the legend of the Jedi.”

Snoke managed to radiate disappointment, showing his utter disillusionment with Kylo.

“Alas, you are no Vader. You're just a child. . . in a mask.”

The revulsion in Snoke's voice was a lance through his heart. Kylo felt his skin burn beneath the residue of his tears as he rose painfully and turned around to leave, still fighting to keep the fires of his anger banked.

“This is your last chance.” Snoke called mournfully after him.

In the turbo lift, with the doors shut, Kylo Ren shook with tension and wrath as he tried to restore his composure. His eye twitched uncontrollably. The pain of his degradation and physical punishment were excruciating, but no worse than the shame that coated him like a second skin.

He studied the helmet in his hand. It had betrayed him.

Then the fury returned full force, a live thing that felt like it would burn and blister his very flesh. Teeth bared, groaning with effort, he pulled his arm back suddenly and launched the the mask into the wall, putting all his power behind it. He felt no pain in his hand as sparks flew from both the helmet and the wall. The Force was howling inside him, giving him the strength to hammer the helmet against the metal and glass until it was nothing but a twisted mass of black and silver. He left it behind in the turbo lift.

Blindly Kylo stumbled homeward. He saw nothing on the way. He thought of nothing but getting to safety.

His reached his chambers quickly. He entered, but the girl was not in sight. Panic lurched in his stomach.

“Sara!” he yelled, voice shaky. “Sara, I want you!” His entire body was rigid with tension. He needed her badly, and not just for physical release.

What if she were gone too? She couldn't possibly have escaped like Poe and the Trooper. How was he always losing the people he loved?

 

Sara entered casually from the 'fresher, drying her hands as she came. When she saw the distress on Kylo's face, she dropped the towel and rushed to him, but waited for him to speak.

His forehead was wrinkled into a scowl, and his beautiful lips were pressed together so hard they were white. The smell of anxious sweat drifted from his body, and the sheen of it covered his skin. He seemed to be filled with emotions he could not - would not - express.

“Help me,” he blurted out, and she rushed to remove his clothes and boots. As she peeled away his shirt, she could see that his body was trembling. When she removed his small clothes, his erection looked almost painful to her.

“Shower,” he mumbled, turning away from her. He glanced back once, to see if she was still with him. By the time he had the hot water on, she had stripped and was on her way to the shower. His need was too urgent for him to wait politely for her. He grabbed her hand and he drew her into the shower, pulling her body tightly into his.

Towering over her, he buried his face in her hair. “It's not going to work,” Kylo muttered. “I won't be able to. . . I can't. . .” She couldn't tell if he was crying, and she wasn't sure what he was talking about, but it was incredibly upsetting.

Regardless, she managed to get one arm around him and soothe the tense muscles of his back under the warm water. “It's okay. You're okay,” she told him. “Things will get better.”

“No. They won't,” he whispered. “Nothing ever gets better. No matter what I do.” She heard the despair in his voice. This was something he had told himself many times, his mantra when things went wrong.

She smoothed his wet hair, his head on her shoulder. “It will. I've got you. I'm here. You're safe.”

Emotions seemed to be cycling through him too fast to register: confusion, fear, anger, desperation, despair. And now, need. He walked her backwards until she hit the tiled shower wall. Water streamed off his big body in sheets. He caught hold of her breast with one hand, and moved his other to her stomach, then lowered it to her mons and, finally, between her legs.

“I want you.” His voice was hoarse and deep.

“Okay,” she answered. A little groan came from him and he began to caress her sex. She wasn't aroused yet – wasn't wet -- but the water raining down on both of them made things easier, more slippery.

“I want. . .” he began, then stopped, unable to articulate – or ask for -- what he wanted. The head of his cock rubbed against her stomach. He tried again. “Can I. . .”

“Yes,” she told him, without waiting to hear what he wanted. “Yes. Go ahead.” Whatever she could do for him, she would.

What he wanted was to penetrate her, as hard and fast and deep as he could; to fuck his way out of whatever it was that had disheartened him so badly. He lifted her up the wall until his cock could reach her, and she wound her arms and legs around him. It didn't go in the first time, but the second time it worked. He was already intensely aroused, and seemed ready to orgasm almost immediately. “Come for me, Sara,” he pleaded as his voice broke.

She came for him. No one had ever just asked her to come and had it work. She wouldn't have thought it was possible.

When she came for him, he came too, becoming still as some indescribable noise of pain escaped him. He was gasping for air when he slowly lowered her feet to the floor, pulling out of her as he did so. Water rinsed the white stickiness from their bodies.

After a moment, he spoke quietly, looking down. “I just. . .” He still seemed incapable of coherent speech, so she reached up and touched his face with her fingers until he was able to look at her. His eyes were concerned, his voice hesitant when he tried to ask, “Did I -- hurt. . .”

“No,” she reassured him. “It was good. You didn't hurt me.”

It had been good. Despite his coarse behavior and distress, she had felt a deep connection to him. He had revealed a vulnerability. And she was in sympathy with his urgency, his insistence. She admitted to herself that she enjoyed his forcefulness with her, his roughness. She had been gratified by the way he had entered her, had opened her up, had needed her.

Some of the worry left his face, and he seemed relieved.

Sara's hand glided to the nape of his neck and massaged it, rubbing a spot at the base of his skull a minute. Then she reached out her other hand for the soap. He was silent and still as she began to move the bar up and down against his chest. He stepped back a little, creating a space between them. That put his flat stomach within her reach, and she soaped him there too. She rubbed the bar between her hands until they foamed, then she cleaned his genitals gently and thoroughly. Her slippery palms washed his arms and his underarms, then moved up to his shoulders and neck.

He visibly relaxed, rolling his head from side to side, giving in to the comfort of her touch. She saw the tension leaving his face as his jaw unclenched and his mouth returned to a more neutral position.

Sara took her place behind Kylo and scrubbed his back with the soap, then descended to his buttocks, legs and feet. His body was beautiful, but white – like a statue -- and she guessed it had been years since his skin had been in the sun.

She knew that Kylo had done this to himself. Snoke was a poisonous influence in his life, surely, but Kylo himself had been the one to shirk the light, and cover himself from head to toe whenever he ventured out.

He had hidden behind his mask for so long that he had started to become what he appeared to be, what he wanted others to think he was. He had imagined that he would become the warrior he had always envisioned himself to be -- invulnerable, fearsome, feeling no emotions and being in perfect control of himself.

But he hadn't, and he wouldn't, because he was unable to be that person. Kylo was called to the Light side at least as much as the Dark, and he couldn't just turn off that part of himself because it caused him anguish. He could not be a Darth Vader. It was not in his nature, despite his fantasies of being invulnerable. It was easy to dream about being untouchable when no one ever touched you. That way you could fool yourself into thinking it had been your choice. But it left him in limbo, neither a hero nor a villain.

Sara was obviously not tall enough to shampoo his hair, so she handed the cube of it to him and let him do it. The inky curls were already wet, and working the shampoo through and rinsing it didn't take long. He seemed to be coming back to himself a little more too.

“Are you all right?” she asked tentatively.

He paused a moment, then answered. “Okay. I suppose.”

“What's this?” She indicated the new marking on his stomach. Short tanned lines started on the left side of his belly and branched upward, like a tree.

He winced slightly and moved her hand. “Snoke used Force lightning on me. It hurts.”

“I'm sorry.”

“You couldn't know,” he told her. “It's not the only one either.”

He pointed out a similar mark on his right calf, one on his foot, another on his left hip, all faded now, but similar. They were oddly beautiful.

“It's his punishment for disobedience. Or defiance. Or disagreement.” A bitter humor infected his words.

Sarah looked closely at the fractal patterns decorating his limbs. “It sounds really painful.”

“It is.” Kylo was stoic about it, but his mind was working. “This one was closer to my heart than the others. I don't know how much control he has, but I think it was deliberate.”

She handed him a small towel to dry his hair, and then began drying his body with a big bath sheet as he did so.

His body was scarred all over. Its contours were almost sculpted, but marred by both the livid and faded reminders of past injury, mainly from combat. It hurt her heart a little to see it. She kissed the center of his wide back impulsively, then moved the towel to dry his legs, which also held the generous reminders of previous wounds. He himself did not show any self-consciousness about them.

“I'm not sure I'm going to survive much longer like this.” His voice was low and soft.

Sara felt alarmed. “What do you mean?”

He looked so sad. “Snoke said this was my last chance. But I don't think I can do it.”

“Do what?”

“Assassinate my parents.”

Sara was shocked. “What?”

His body was mostly dry, and he took the other towel her Sara and dropped both of them in the laundry chute. He waited until she was through drying herself, then put that towel into the laundry too.

“He called me a failure, and said it was the only way I could make it up to him. . . Maybe. But it's too much. I can't.”

He had already finished combing his hair when Sara stepped in front of the mirror, so he turned and combed hers too, untangling the knots gently, kissing her forehead when he done.

“What will you do?”

“I don't know yet. This is such a clusterfuck. I was so close to finally getting to Skywalker and proving he was wrong, and now I'll never get the chance.”

That wasn't what she thought he would be focused on. “You sound disappointed.”

“I'm angry. Snoke is the one who's disappointed. And he's right to be. I can't do anything without fucking it up.”

“That's not true. Snoke is manipulating you. Making you feel the way he needs you to, so you'll do what he wants.”

That gave Kylo pause. She was talking about Snoke doing to him what he himself did to Hux. It didn't seem so far fetched now.

“He makes you so mad you can't think straight, so you don't see what he's doing.”

A line of thought started in Kylo's head and trailed off into darkness. He allowed one small part of his mind to follow it there, as another part finished what he was doing in the here and now.

“Maybe,” he conceded.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don't know yet.”

“Can you stay home now?”

Kylo shook his head reluctantly. “No. I can't. The situation is critical. I shouldn't even be here now, I just couldn't. . .” He shook off the speechlessness that he had suffered in the shower, and went on. “The pilot escaped. We don't have the map. I don't think the pilot has it either, but we've got to go after him. We can't let prisoners get away. And the traitor storm trooper escaping? We have to make him an example.” His voice was bitter, talking about the traitor.

Sara thought sadly of the pilot and his bravado back in the village. Poe, his name was. She had admired him back then.

Sighing, she began to collect new clothes for Kylo. She chose something a little lighter, a little less formal. He would probably be gone for hours, and he didn't need to be more uncomfortable than necessary.

After he was dressed, he hesitated, then bent down and kissed her mouth. Sara wrapped her arms around his neck as she returned the kiss, as if were the most natural thing in the world.

“Are you frightened?” she asked as he signaled the door to open.

“I'm never frightened,” he told her. He was lying and she knew it. “Not very often, anyway.” That was a lie too, but he had his pride.

“It's okay to be scared,” she said as he went out the door. It closed behind him and Sara was alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of the plot was inspired by an incident in "Outlander," by Diana Galbadon, in which Jamie asks Clair to have sex with him after battle because he had a painful "cock-stand." I did a little Internet research and discovered that indeed, many young men get unwanted erections during battle. 
> 
> I was trying to get inside Kylo's head in the Throne Room scene, to figure out his possible thoughts as Snoke berated him for the millionth time... I was also trying to recreate the sensation of falling into old unwanted patterns of behavior that continue to happen even after you become aware of them. I liberally stole from Jason Fry's novelization there, so the best parts are his. 
> 
> I wanted this to be a bit different from the Last Jedi movie, in that Snoke hadn't quite managed to brainwash Kylo into killing his dad. The Kylo in my story is a little more resilient and a little less desperate.


	7. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has to find a way to look like he is planning on fulfilling Snoke's mandate to kill his parents without actually doing it. He also needs to keep the ever-irritating Hux off his back.
> 
> Kylo's relationship with Sara is going better than he ever anticipated. He can't believe that she loves him. Within the newfound security of their relationship, he wants her to try something with him that she hasn't done before. 
> 
> Kylo also has a prophetic dream about his uncle. What could it mean?

Kylo Ren was tired of meetings. Not meetings, per se, but the endless bandying about, the ever present jockeying for status and approval, and the non-stop blaming and justifying and finger pointing. On the battle field, meetings were quick, decisions were made, strategies decided. On the Finalizer, however, they tended to go on forever. This meeting had too many people in it anyway. It should just be Hux, Phasma and him, not medical aids with FN 2187's latest test results, and other storm troopers who had fought at Kelvin Ravine.

“How much of this is really important?” he asked, interrupted the aide.

“All of it!” Hux sniped. “We must determine what went wrong and prevent it from ever happening again.”

Kylo looked to Phasma. She was practical to a great degree, and they had shared combat experience. She was far more realistic than Hux. “It will not happen again,” she declared. “I will see to it.”

Kylo sighed. Such a waste of time and energy. “We can do all that after we get them back, instead of doling out blame now.”

Hux was incensed. “But if we don't know why this happened – “

Kylo interrupted him too, “It's more important that we catch them now. After we have them in hand, we will have as much time as we want to analyze. Right now, we are wasting time that could be spent looking for them.”

The others stared at him, slightly open mouthed. He wondered how much of it was hearing his regular speaking voice, and how much was seeing his face. That didn't matter anymore either.

“Phasma, I feel confident that your assessment of the traitor is correct. Now where do you think he would have headed?”

Phasma only paused a moment. Kylo could not tell if she was looking at him behind her storm trooper helmet. “If he were alone, I would say it would not be possible to determine. However, since he is with the pilot, and we know the pilot had not finished his mission on Jakku, it would be logical to assume that he had returned there.”

“Now that we're on the other side of the galaxy. Of course,” Kylo agreed sarcastically. “Then let's get a ship into hyperspace to go back and look.”

“I concur,” said his captain. “Perhaps we should send some troops that are . . . disposable. Just in case.”

“Since the Resistance ran us off the last time? That makes sense. Hux, make it so.”

“None of my troops are disposable!” Hux objected. “Nor are any of my ships.” He hated losing resources. That was one reason why Kylo enjoyed taking out his anger on ship equipment. It would have been better if he could have taken it out on Hux himself, but his precious resources had to suffice instead.

“But some are more disposable than others,” Kylo countered. “Can you do it or not?”

“I can.” Hux stood up, grabbing his data pad, and turning to leave, muttering under his breath all the while.

Kylo faced Phasma. “That should keep him busy awhile.”

“You've taken him away from his pet project,” Phasma reminded him.

“The Starkiller Base?” Kylo asked mockingly. “That's not going to be ready anytime soon.”

Phasma stared at him a minute before nodding. Kylo knew she found the accuracy of his guesses and predictions a little disturbing, but it made her trust him more readily. She herself had very little understanding of the Force, but she thought it gave Kylo almost mystical powers. “Very well. Why don't we try to get some sleep so we'll be fresh tomorrow?”

“Good idea,” Kylo said, standing himself. “Com me if anything important comes up.” He knew Phasma would be able to discern whether something was important or not. “Give Hux the conn.”

They both left the conference room, Phasma going one way and Kylo another.

Now Kylo had to think about planning to kill his parents. He wouldn't, of course, but he needed Snoke to believe he was. So, theoretically, what would he do if he wanted to kill them?

 

Sara had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for him. A book lay in her lap. She woke when the door closed behind Kylo, and she stretched sleepily as she stood to help him undress.

“You don't have to get up,” he told her as she walked to him.

She smiled and put her arms around his neck like she had before. “Maybe I want to.”

Kylo knew what was allowed - or even expected - now, and bent forward for his kiss. This time it was slow and sensual, without any need to hurry. His hands located her waist. The touch was soothing, but he wanted more skin contact. “Maybe you can help me then.”

He released her and she began to undress him. He realized now how she had been clever in choosing his clothing this evening, as they had been comfortable and practical, and now they was easy to remove. She took better care of him than he deserved.

He wanted her to be naked, too, though, so he began to undress her as well. She raised her hands over her head to allow him to remove her tunic, then started to roll down her tights, but let him take over when he showed the inclination. He took off her small clothes while he was at it, then recreated their earlier embrace. Yes, much better naked. Every bit of his skin touched as much of hers as he could reach.

He felt himself beginning to get hard, despite the hour and his weariness, but for now he concentrated on her face, her lips, her hair, her neck. He lavished kisses on all of them. Her body was cool to the touch and much softer than his. He couldn't remember the girls he had been with before having such smooth, supple skin, although he was certain those kind of girls always took care of themselves. But he hadn't cared before. Now he did. He took in Sara's green eyes, slightly hazel like his own. Her lips were soft like her skin, and they molded to his mouth obligingly. Her hair shone burgundy in the low light, and smelled nicely of some product he knew he didn't own.

When they broke apart, he could tell she was aroused as well. “Are you ready for bed? Get your book,” he said when she nodded.

Sara picked it up and followed him into the bedroom.

He took her to bed gently this time, allowing for the effects of fatigue and stress on both their bodies. He continued his oral exploration of her that he had started earlier, finding all of it yielding and responsive to his touch.

She was not as beautiful as the girls of the ship, but being beautiful was their job. He wanted her not because she was gorgeous, but because she opened her whole self to him. He did not think he could do the same for her, but feeling her vulnerability and acceptance was wonderful. She was utterly undefended to him, and he took it as the gift it was. Who would have thought anyone would have allowed the formidable Kylo Ren into their safe boundaries?

Sara didn't seem to want anything from him he was unwilling to give. It seemed like everyone else in his life wanted his power, or his protection, or his connections, perhaps the Knights of Ren excepted. But she only asked for his company, his touch, his passion. Yes, she needed him, but that was not why she was here. He himself had brought her here because he had wanted her. And she hadn't held that against him.

Kylo had been without affectionate touch for years. It felt like he had been without love even longer. He thought he had never felt it at all before, but vaguely remembered kind words from his mother, and the luxurious fur of a wookie, and decided he had been wrong. But it had been an eternity since then.

No one he had previously encountered had offered him anything like what Sara did. They had pleasured him with their mouths and their hands, allowed him into their bodies, but never into their inner beings, as was Sara did now. It was the most exquisite thing he had ever experienced. He knew she depended on him completely, trusted him for her very existence, believed in him wholeheartedly. She would need more than him soon, friends, but merely knowing she felt that he was that trustworthy was enough. She loved him.

Kylo was fully erect, but he wanted to please her first. His fingers found her wet and ready, and he slipped two of them inside her, then found her clit with his mouth. He started a rhythm with his tongue, then matched his hand to it. He could feel her ecstasy through the Force, and see her throwing her head back, chest rising as she came.

He worked his way up her body with open mouthed kisses, pausing to give some areas extra attention, tonguing her navel, sucking her nipples, and licking her clavicle. Then he slid his cock into her warmth and wetness. She was still tight from coming, and she felt incredible. He teased her a little while, just moving the head in and out, until he felt her move impatiently. Then he plunged into her, and she raised her hips to meet him, coming again. He held out as long as he could, then climaxed, hips spasming, his eyes meeting hers.

They cleaned up with his bedside tissues, then he pulled her into his arms, close to his body, skin to skin. He listened to her breathing deepen until he fell asleep himself.

 

Kylo enjoyed better sleep than he had gotten in years. The extra rest helped his mind process the things Sara had been bringing up to him and spurred him to insights of his own. Nightmares were less frequent.

One nightmare in particular, however, had always reduced him to white knuckle terror: a replay of the night his uncle had tried to kill him. Who had ignited his lightsaber first? Would Luke really have killed him if Ben hadn't stopped him? In this recurring dream, sometimes Kylo ended Luke's life by plunging his blade into his uncle's body. Other times Luke cut Kylo in half. He usually woke up screaming.

This time, however, some things in the dreams have changed. He is still a teenager who has not reached his full height, is not yet a man. Something wakes him up. In his memories, it was always his mind becoming aware of his uncle's presence and his sinister intent. This time, however, it is a small noise, a pebble being disturbed by a man who could avoid being heard if he wanted to. A deliberate noise to wake him gently.

Kylo opens his eyes. Standing in front of him is his uncle Luke. He is older. He does not have his light saber. His face is calm and serene.

Kylo remains lying where he is, looking up at his uncle. Luke makes eye contact with him, and sits down cross legged in front of his nephew. The night is dark, and Kylo shouldn't be able to see Luke's eyes without any light, but he can.

Kylo can hear Luke's voice, but his uncle's lips do not move. “Ben, I'm not here to hurt you. I am not here at all.”

That doesn't make any sense at all to Kylo, but in the context of the dream, he understands it.

“I have felt a change in the Force. You are shedding your skin. You are preparing to be born. Your ship is about to be burned. Your arrow is aflame, and the target is in sight. Your aim will be true.”

Kylo pictures these things as his uncle describes them.

“Your soul is in danger. I will help you disarm the midwife. Your new skin will be made of fire and your ship will burn brightly.” Kylo has no idea what Luke is describing, but it sounds right and true.

Now Kylo is Ben again. He's standing with Luke, staring at the Jedi training academy that he burned such a long time ago. All the doors and windows are open, and it is empty inside. Lightning strikes the building, which then sinks into the sea.

Luke continues to speak without looking at Ben, without moving his lips. “I hear your call and I will answer.”

Then Kylo is awake. His pulse is normal and his breathing is calm. Sara's sweet warm body is next to his. Everything will be all right. He feels no fear. His uncle is coming.

 

Morning brought Kylo a clarity he hadn't known for awhile.

He had allowed Snoke to provoke him. Again. And it wouldn't be difficult to go to Hux and start planning a mission to assassinate one or both of his parents. Snoke had raised his madness for a reason, but this time Kylo did not give in to it mindlessly as he had before.

He got out of bed without waking Sara, and took his shower. She was waiting for him with a towel when he finished.

“Good morning,” he said, giving her a little kiss before she toweled him dry. He loved kissing her.

“Good morning. I ordered breakfast,” she told him.

They did their morning ablutions together, then went to the table hand in hand. The food had arrived, and they got it together and set it on the table.

This morning's meal smelled especially good and tasted even better. When they were mostly finished, Kylo decided to talk to Sara.

“I've thought about what you said, about Snoke manipulating me. You were right.”

He had Sara's complete attention. Her eyes were wide.

“He's been manipulating me a long time, my whole life. He used to use the Force to talk to me when I was a kid. Did you know that?”

She shook her head. “No. I didn't even know that was possible.”

“It isn't for most people. Snoke is a strange case. I think he targeted me early on. I know he was watching my family. He's obsessed with the Skywalker bloodline. He started speaking to me mind to mind when I was a child. I never told my parents. He was a bad influence. He took me in when my uncle tried to kill me, but it was more like kidnapping than asylum. I never thought I could get away. I thought it was too late for me. Until now. I think there's got to be a way out.”

Sara's face had a funny expression on it. He realized that he hadn't mentioned that they would go together.

“Of course, I'm taking you with me. I mean, assuming that's what you want. If it weren't for you, I'd still be doing exactly what Snoke wants me to. You helped me break the pattern. I've still got a ways to go,” he added, thinking of the way Snoke had handled him in the Throne Room, “but I think I can do it.”

Her relief was palpable, and he was glad he had thought to say it.

Kylo realized it was time to tell her something else too. Something he should have told her about sooner.

“You know, you're Force sensitive, Sara.”

She stared at him blankly. “I don't understand.”

“You aren't like a Jedi knight, but you can still feel the Force to some degree and respond to it, the way pilots do, for example. The best pilots have a little Force sensitivity, which explains why they fly so well. That's one reason it's easier for me to read you than it is to read other people. And it's less difficult for you to read me than it is for almost anyone. That was one of the things I felt that first night with you. You need a teacher though, and I want to show you the ways of the Force. When we get out of here. I think you'll enjoy it.”

Kylo could tell it was going to take Sara a little time to process this information, but if he succeeded, they would have all the time in the world.

He covered her hand with his. “We have to decide what we want to do. We can try to just get away, but it will be significantly more difficult if Snoke is still alive. I think he would be able to find me anywhere through the Force. If I can get rid of him, we could get away, or I could take his place, become the new Supreme Leader. I could do things differently. Make things better maybe.”

He squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes. “What do you want?”

“To be with you, whatever you do,” she answered quietly.

He smiled for the first time in awhile. “I want you with me. You belong to me now.”

 

It was easier for Kylo to endure the ceaseless rounds of briefs and conferences now that he knew it would not be forever. The days went a bit faster, were a bit less troublesome.

Kylo put some plans into play immediately. He set two of his aides to searching for the current Resistance base of operations. He felt fairly certain his parents would be there or close by. Leia would be in the thick of it, but Han would probably be close too. His parents couldn't live together, but they couldn't be without each other for too long either.

As the days went by, Kylo stayed on top of the search for the pilot and the traitor. Since he was no longer actually worried about the outcome anymore, it was far easier to pretend he was invested.

Hux's super weapon continued to have glitches that prevented it from being ready to use, just as Kylo had foreseen. It had been a mistake to bring almost the entire fleet to this location before it was even ready to be tested. Kylo hoped Hux had enough rope to hang himself.

Since Kylo gave every appearance of preparing to assassinate his parents, Snoke kept him on a long leash. Kylo realized this had been his pattern for awhile. He would assign Kylo an unpleasant project and prod him until he accepted it. Then while Kylo fretted and stewed, he turned his attention to other matters which required his supervision. Kylo would be a little more free to act now.

He continued his daily routine, which helped keep him calm. He sat silent in meetings, attentive, but inactive. He ordered briefs on the suspected locations of his parents and told his crew to keep his ship ready. He trained during late morning, and meditated during the late afternoon. His lack of violent outbursts was the most notable difference in his behavior.

He did what he could to prepare Sara, but it was hard to know what to do. This was a delicate business, and he was afraid it could be unmade if not handled with care. It would be safer not to give her the details, but he wanted her emotionally ready if possible.

 

One evening, after a light dinner, Kylo pulls Sara into his lap and begins to kiss her. He seems to delight in kissing her now, and she enjoys it as well. He rests his hand on her breast and squeezes it softly in a place he had bruised earlier in the day, reminding her of it. She makes a little noise into his mouth, and he chases it with his tongue. Then he turns his attention to her neck, kissing down it slowly, pulling up her shirt when he gets to her breasts, then sucking the nipples. She takes in a quick breath and runs her hands through his soft black hair, luxuriating in it.

He finishes with her breasts and lets her shirt fall. “I have something I want to do with you now. Something we haven't tried before.”

She smiles in assent, and they make their way to his bedroom.

Kylo asks her to undress first, as he rummages through one of his drawers and emerges with an unlabeled medicinal tube. He tells her to get some towels from the bathroom and lay one over the bed while he takes his own clothes off.

He lies down on top of the towel, and beckons Sara to lie down with him, spooning.

“I want you to try something I don't think you've done before,” he starts. He begins stroking her back, moving his hand lower and lower until it reaches the crack of her ass. His voice is low as he moves his fingers just a little further down. “Have you ever done anal?”

She hasn't. She had had one lover who wanted to do it, and insisted she try it. But just having the head of his cock nudge into the opening of her anus had been intensely painful. She had refused to go any further. Now she had a lover she didn't want to refuse, a lover who hadn't harmed her so far, and who had made pain into pleasure for her many times. She shook her head.

Kylo's long, strong fingers find her opening, and ever so gently begin to stroke the tiny wrinkles. It feels surprisingly good. His voice is a silky sound in her ear. “How's that?”

“Mmmm. That feels nice. I'm kind of scared though.”

“Usually I like that, but you don't need to be now. I'm not going to hurt you, not even in a good way. Just relax and enjoy what I'm doing.”

As he continues to stroke from the center to the outside and back again, he begin dropping open mouthed kisses down her back. She feels the familiar tingle of arousal as he does so.

He stops kissing long enough to say, “Why don't you play with yourself?”

She hesitates. She hasn't done that with a lover before either, and is embarrassed just thinking about it. But he wouldn't be able to see her, and everything he has done to her so far has turned out well. She begins caressing herself and discovers she is already wet. That seems to be happening a lot lately.

Sara feels her arousal building as his kisses reach his caressing fingers. His hands part her buttocks gently as his tongue replaces his fingers. She shivers. She has never felt anything like it. “Mmmmm. . .”

The tongue pauses for a moment. “You like that?”

“Yes, that's amazing.”

“I think so too,” he agrees. A finger replaces the tongue at the center of her asshole and begins pressing gently, while the tongue begins moving around the fingertip. After a minute, the finger pauses, then returns with something cool and wet and begins pressing again.

“I want you to keep touching yourself. Pretend I'm doing it. And remember to breath.”

Kylo's finger is gradually working its way into her anus as his mouth moves to her lower back. She imagines she is watching him, his plush lips and strong tongue moving over her skin, his soft hair tickling her. Then she visualizes his mouth on her sex as it has been before, his tongue dipping between her labia, lapping her clit. She can almost feel his mouth both on her lower back and on the wet folds between her legs, sucking her.

She focuses on her ass again and discovers Kylo's finger is already inside her to the second knuckle.

“I'm going to try 2 fingers now. Relax as much as you can.” The thick lube feels smooth on his fingers as one fingertip then another penetrates her.

Sara feels Kylo's breath on her ear now, his voice soft and deep, whispering to her. “Keep your breathing slow and deep. Remember to relax. Tell me if it hurts or you need me to pause.”

“Uh huh,” Sarah assents.

He moves the fingers in and out slowly, carefully, and Sarah sees that this can be pleasurable.

“Just one more,” Kylo tells her, and one more finger slips in with the others. It is a strange feeling, but not unpleasant. Again he moves them in and out of her anus, gently, languidly.

“You're doing really well,” Kylo tells her as he pulls his fingers out leisurely. “How do you feel?”

Sara does a mental inventory. “Fine. It's kind of weird, but it's okay.”

“Has it hurt yet?”

“No, not yet.”

She hears him open the tube of lube again, then feels him finger her anus again, this time getting the lube down into it as much as he can. She imagines him lubing himself up, fist moving up and down his shaft, making his cock wet and slippery for her.

“It probably going to hurt a bit now. Do you trust me?”

What a question. Objectively, he was one of the most dangerous men alive, responsible for the deaths of she didn't know how many. And she had no doubt if she were one of his targets and he didn't know her, he would be willing to kill her too. But that is not the situation they are in. She is falling in love with this man, and he managed not to hurt her so far. And she can use her safe word if she needs to.

“Yes. I trust you.” Her voice is a breathy whisper, but she has gotten the words out and she means them.

“I'm going to put just the head in. But that's the widest part. That's what's going to hurt,” he tells her as he cleans his hands with one of the towels from the refresher.

She feels the tip of his dick nudging her anus, both slick with lube. “Remember to relax. I want you to take a deep breath, then breath out when I enter you.”

Sara relaxes her body as much as she can, and breathes deeply, exhaling as she feels his glans begin to push into her body. It feels good at first, then as her anus begins to stretch, it feels uncomfortable and just a bit painful. She thinks it isn't as bad as he had told her it would be.

“How are you?” he asks.

“I'm fine. It wasn't that painful.”

She feels his lips kiss her neck quickly. “We're getting to that part.”

“Oh,” she says, wondering how difficult its going to get.

“Just keep relaxing, and try to bear down. Tell me if you need to stop.”

She nods and tries to even out her breathing.

“Exhale,” he coaches as he slowly presses in.

She is fine for a moment, then the pain hits suddenly. She sucks her breath in and he pauses instinctively.

“Bear down.”

She tries, but when he moves again, the pain is like a flame inside.

“Stop,” she gasps, and he does, but the burning continues. “I need you to pull out a little.” He does and she feel some of the panic subside. She hadn't even been aware she had been feeling it.

“I don't think I can do this,” she tells him. “It just hurts too much. I'm sorry.”

Kylo is touching her hip lovingly. “It's okay. Just rest for a minute.”

Sara tries to relax, but he isn't pulling out. She had thought when she asked him to stop that they would be done for the time being, but now she realizes they have only paused. She hasn't used her safe word. They were going to continue shortly, pain or no pain. It frightens her a little, but it excites her even more. He would try not to hurt her, but he was going to take what he wanted whether she enjoyed it or not. She feels her arousal building.

Her fingers find her clit again and began to rub. She is wetter than before.

“Do you remember when I first saw you?” Kylo asks her, distracting her from where she found herself.

“Yes,” she answers. She would never forget it.

“You surprised me, running out suddenly like that. I had no idea what you were doing.” His hand moves from her hip to her breast, and covers it softly.

“You dropped your blaster and knelt in front of me. You looked so submissive, so beautiful. I could sense your fear, but you were very brave, coming out of hiding to save your friends. It would have been easy for you to have stayed hidden and kept yourself safe, but you didn't.”

Kylo kisses her neck again, a move that never fails to make her feel wanted and cherished.

“Your begging was so sweet. I wanted you then, but I didn't think I could have you.”

“I would have thought you could have taken whatever you wanted.”

“Yes, physically I could have, but there's always a price to pay. I would have to answer to Snoke for what I did. Endure Hux's snide comments, the sideways looks from his troops.

“But you were smart too. You offered to help me in exchange for sparing the village. You said you could help me get the map, which gave me the reason I needed to take you. And when I saw what was in your mind, your need for submission, to be dominated, used for your lover's pleasure. . . I knew I had to have you, regardless of the cost.”

Sara relaxes more deeply, falling under the spell of his voice. His thumb caresses her nipple lightly.

“I told you what to do, and you responded beautifully. Your ass looked so hot when you crawled across the floor. You did what I told you to so well, but you didn't stop there. You went beyond that, and you took pleasure in it, in pleasing me. I was trying not to hurt you, but I came so hard I thought my head would explode. Then you cleaned me up with that little mouth. . . mmmmm. . . “

Sara felt her nipple harden so much it was almost painful.

“You didn't seem to know about yourself either, about how you could convert what most people call pain into your own pleasure. How you took power from my reactions. Your helpful nature and your need to please. You were just perfect.”

Sara is gratified to hear Kylo's recollection of that night, and how it fits together with her own memories.

She feels Kylo's dick in her ass moving very slightly. She'd almost forgotten it was there. The pain was gone.

“We have one more spot to get through that's going to hurt, as you've seen already. Then it should be fine after that. Are you ready to try it again?”

Sara nods her agreement, and feels him flick his thumb over her nipple again, and his mouth on the spot where he'd left teeth marks that first night.

“Breath out and bear down,” he reminds her, and she does as he continues his penetration of her. Her insides burn in a flare of white heat for a moment and she wants to scream, then it is over, and he is comfortably inside her.

Kylo's lips move against her skin. “Okay now?”

“Yes,” she responds. “It doesn't hurt anymore.”

“Good,” he agrees as he begins to slowly and gently move in and out of her. His hand moves from her breast down to her vulva, and she withdraws her own hand in his favor. The long fingers fondle her labia, wetting themselves before moving to her clit, where they circle the sensitive nub skillfully. She comes once and hears him sigh as he picks up the speed at which he fucks her.

“That's so good,” he tells her, now sliding his fingers inside her, creating an unreal sensation of fullness there. His big hands alternate between stimulating her clit, and sliding in and out of her pussy, while he thrusts gently into her asshole all the while. “I want to come inside you,” he whispers, the urgency of his request making it sound like a cross between a request and a plea.

“Yes,” she answers before she comes again and clenches her muscles of her vagina around his hand and pushing back against his cock simultaneously. The way she squeezes him sets his orgasm off, and they come together.

She would have liked to bask in the moment, but feels a sudden, urgent need to go the the refresher. Kylo manages to get her to wait as he pulls out slowly, then hands her a towel as she scrambles out of bed and hurries over. She discovers her urgency was a false alarm. Since she is there anyway, though, she turns on the shower and waits for the water to warm up. Kylo joins her and follows her into the stall.

Sara had felt embarrassed at the nature of her discomfort, but Kylo seemed to have been expecting it. He kisses the top of her head and tells her how well she has done, that he is proud of her. She feels herself blush, but smiles at him anyway.

After the shower, Kylo removes the towel from the bed and puts away the lube. Then he lies down and pulls Sara into his arms. His mind is still working on how they will get away from Snoke, but Sara is sleepy and relaxed. He enjoys her softer side and nuzzles and holds her until she falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the opening scene, I wanted to remind the reader that Kylo is really much more of a warrior than a politician.
> 
> I wanted to show the deepening on Kylo's relationship with Sara, and how many of the things that seemed awkward and impossible at first now feel natural and easy. Relationships can take a lot of emotional work, but the payoff can be well worth it. 
> 
> There's an extra mini sex scene in this chapter to make up for the lack of one in a couple of the previous chapters. Kylo is a generous lover who appreciates Sara's individuality and the braveness of her vulnerability. It isn't easy to be so vulnerable to another person, knowing that gives them power over you. In fact, Kylo isn't sure he can ever be as vulnerable with Sara as she is with him, but he admires her.
> 
> Kylo isn't interested in a partner who is totally focused on appearances. He is also grateful that Sara values him for himself, not for what he can do for her or as a status symbol. I wanted to use this part to demonstrate in some small degree what a healthy Dominant/submissive relationship can look like, with each partner taking pleasure from the other person's pleasure. To me, that is what an energy exchange is about. 
> 
> I used some classic mythological symbolism for Luke's dream, but I don't want to spoil it by explaining it yet. Maybe at the end of the next chapter, which will be the last one. 
> 
> Sara and Kylo discussed his history with Snoke, and he validates her observation that Snoke was manipulating him. That doesn't absolve him of his crimes, but it does help both of them understand what they are dealing with and why he did things the way he did. 
> 
> I thought it was Kylo's responsibility to tell Sara that she is Force sensitive, although not telling her would have been an effective way to manipulate her. He realizes that is not the way to go. 
> 
> I hope I didn't have Sara fall in love with Kylo too easily, or downplay the seriousness of his past too much. I wanted to acknowledge the problematic nature of any future going forward with him, without making it seem impossible. 
> 
> The anal sex scene is lightly based on my own limited experience. It can be painful, but it really shouldn't be. I recommend Jack Morin's book, Anal Pleasure and Health, to everyone, whether you want to engage in anal play or not. We all have this body part and should understand how to keep it healthy and what it can do. I also recommend everyone use condoms every time, especially with anal sex. Even if you are monogamous, this can help with clean up a great deal, and sometimes can make both partners more comfortable. I had trouble figuring out how this would apply in a galaxy far, far away, though, so I copped out by not featuring it. 
> 
> I am again placing Sara in sort of a consensually non-consensual scene. Sorry, but this is one of my big turn ons, and this scene is based on a real experience I had. I didn't use my safeword, but was surprised when my partner didn't just stop and do something else when I asked to stop. When I realized why, I got even more excited by the scene, and decided to keep going, knowing my safeword would be honored if I used it. Everything turned out well.
> 
> *Always have a safeword, and always respect someone else's safeword.*


	8. The Guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, dear readers! Finally at the end! Thank you for sticking with me, and for your kudos and comments. I appreciate each one. 
> 
> There's a surprise guest for this chapter, and I hope you enjoy my including him. Giving an alternate ending for The Last Jedi is no criticism of the movie, but I couldn't end this story that way. 
> 
> This is the endgame for Sara and Kylo. Kylo has a plan, but he doesn't know if he will survive the implementation of it. If he doesn't, what will happen to Sara?

Kylo had not imagined it would be possible for him to talk by using the Force with anyone except Leader Snoke. Kylo could probe someone's mind, see things they had seen, and understand their thoughts, but they were not able to converse. He discovered now that his uncle had grown stronger with the Force over time, even as Kylo himself had, and they have long mental discussions about the dire situation Kylo was in and how Luke might help.

Luke had been monitoring Kylo by using the Force over the years and the distance, hoping to see Light rise in him once again. When he had recognized the recent changes beginning to work their way through Kylo, he decided to try to help his nephew again. He set aside the agonizing guilt and self-condemnation he had wrapped himself in, and exposed his vulnerable core. He apologized for his missteps and his arrogance, for underestimating Snoke, and for not being there sooner for Ben, all the things Kylo had so desperately wanted to hear forever without really admitting it. His hatred of his uncle begins to lessen in intensity.

Yes, he is still very angry. Kylo sometimes thinks anger is his default reaction to anything. But it's not like they can have a fist fight in their thoughts. It would probably be going a lot worse if Skywalker hadn't softened him up with the dream first, and sending those feelings of reassurance and love and comfort with it had been masterful. But it takes awhile for Kylo to process his anger and resentment.

His uncle does not respond in kind, however, when Kylo is mad at him, or dismissive and sarcastic and condescending. He's not sure he could prevent hearing his uncle if he tried; that had never worked with Snoke, although Luke isn't that powerful. And if Kylo hadn't been so desperate to resolve his urgent problem and figure out a way to remove Snoke, he might not have been as willing to talk to Luke. But this point, Kylo had started to consider approaching Hux to overthrow the Supreme Leader.

In some ways, Kylo's Force conversations with Luke become almost like an abbreviated do-over. Kylo tells Luke about the problems he had experienced as a child, but had been too confused or too afraid to reveal to anyone, even his famous teacher years later. He wished he had been able to bring them up before, but he had felt so ashamed of his connection to Snoke, and yet so afraid to lose it, that it had seemed impossible.

In retrospect, it was not difficult for either of them to see how Snoke's influence had started in Ben's life, and how insidious it became, until sometimes Ben could not tell if the voice in his head was his own or Snokes'. As a small child, Ben had believed Snoke was his only friend, and feared losing him. He took his mentor's advice and hid their friendship from his parents.

As the relationship started to turn unpleasant, Snoke had told him how his family would reject him if they knew that he had allied himself with the Dark side. When Leia and Han finally sent him to train with his uncle as a last resort, it seemed as if Snoke's prediction was coming true; they were rejecting him. Even then he had feared he was beyond redemption, and that the Dark side was the only path he could follow.

Luke's apologies and admission of his own shortcomings and mistakes helped Ben open up to him. He could confess his errors and poor judgment with someone who had already shared his own. What could he tell his uncle that would be worse than how his uncle felt in failing him? It had also helped that Luke shared those feelings through the Force. In some ways, Luke's remorse could not compare to the horror Kylo inflicted on himself. Then again, Luke had stranded himself on an island alone for years, which Kylo wasn't even sure he could survive. He's sooner kill himself than do that.

Kylo begins to let go of his own shame and self-hatred when he learns about how Yoda had refused to teach Luke in the beginning, had tried to reject him as too old and not focused enough. How Luke had deserted his training to go save his friends from the man who turned out to be his father.

Luke had gone on to reject the Jedi belief that attachment was foolish, and embraced his loved ones with all his heart, including his father in the end. Kylo had not experienced that love from him, since he had already been involved with the Dark side before he even met Luke.

Yoda had told Luke his training was complete, but now Luke begins to understand that they had not explored the Dark side of the Force thoroughly enough. Would Luke have been able to perceive Ben's understanding of the balance between the sides if they had studied it more? And how each side could only exist in tension with the other? Maybe not, but he is more than willing to listen now.

Luke's gift with the Force had been more focused on the Light side, which was what had allowed him to forgive his father and continue to love his family. Dogma seemed immutable and emotions ephemeral, but in the end, it was the other way around. Luke's own youthful selfishness had made Yoda hold back and limit his teaching about the Dark side, initiating a mistake with Luke that had reverberated with Ben. The belief that learning about evil predicated becoming evil was an ancient one.

Luke's conversations with Kylo give him an even bigger secret to hide from Snoke. Fortunately the Supreme Leader's attention is more focused on punishing Hux for the failure of his Starkiller weapon than on further pursuing Skywalker. He seems to be satisfied that the map no longer exists.

Luke helps Kylo learn more techniques to strengthen his shields against Snoke, and additional methods to keep his mind from thinking of anything in particular in his presence. Kylo hopes it would be enough.

 

Sara notices that Kylo seems to be sleeping better, although she still finds him absent from their bed during the night. Quiet music plays in the other room, and sometimes she thinks she hears voices, but she can never stay awake long enough to hear what they were saying.

Kylo begins to wear himself out physically with his lightsaber training. He trains for hours, forgoing meetings and briefs to spend more time with his sparring partners and even the training droids. He summons some of the Knights of Ren, and as they arrive in ones and twos, he rotates them into his training schedule, fighting them with unmatched ferocity.

Kylo allows Sara more access to the ship now, and he brings her to a good number of these training sessions. Sara watches in awe, amazed at her lover's uncanny abilities, the way these warriors make their battles look like a dance. It often seems to her that Kylo has some instinct about where his opponent's blade will strike next, and he has already started to counter their move when it has just begun.

These days he is less arrogant, and less angry. He is more eager to take his dueling techniques to their highest levels than he is to win individual bouts. He has stopped courting death unconsciously, and focuses on strategies that will leave him alive.

 

Kylo and Sara have long discussions during meals in his chambers. She describes her relationship with her family, and the families she had known during her time in the Resistance. She tells him how they had loved each other, supported each other in times of trouble and conflict. It sounds too good to be true.

With Sarah's parents, it had never seemed as if problems came between them, she says; it was more like they were a team working together to solve a problem that was apart from them, not between them. The problem was the enemy, not each other. These stories fill Kylo with sadness and longing, but he listens with his battered heart open.

Kylo tells Sara about his childhood, and his parents as well. Before, these memories had been caustic, filled with pain and grief. Now they take on a bittersweet quality in the telling of them, as he examines roads not taken, possibilities not explored, and interpretations that had been overlooked.

Sometimes he decides that he had done the best he could at the time and under the circumstances, and is content to let go of some of those mistakes. Sometimes he realizes there had not been any good options at the time, and cuts himself some slack for that.

He even begins to see that some of the people who had wronged him had been doing their best under the circumstances as well, just as he had, regardless of how badly it had turned out. Perhaps he had misunderstood their motivations, or attributed malice where none existed, and overreacted. Sharing these discoveries with Sara seems to make them more important, more real. Their bond deepens.

 

The hunt for the map to Skywalker continues. Leads are followed. People are interrogated. Locations are destroyed. The escaped pilot and storm trooper are not re-captured, and Hux's men are unable to follow their trail.

The Starkiller runs into unexpected difficulties and its debut is delayed several months. Most of the fleet leaves their orbit around the base, and returns to other missions. The Finalizer, with both Hux and Kylo on board, stays with the Maximizer. Leader Snoke wants to keep a close eye on his subordinates.

Snoke knows this would be a crucial time for Ren. He might rise to the occasion and destroy his family, and then again, the very effort might tear him apart. Even if he is able to accomplish this goal, he might become completely unstable afterwards, and Snoke would need to put him down. His best hope is that Ren might permanently lose his attachment to his family, his emotions and the Light side, and become Vader's successor, as Snoke had originally thought. And if not, well, Snoke would be able to take most of his life force as he died, and he could begin to look for a new apprentice.

 

Luke is able to help Kylo train better through their communication. Kylo has already been a formidable warrior, but he has still been ruled by his emotions too often, and draws too heavily on the Dark side to the point where it weakens him.

None of Kylo's previous training partners had been able to challenge him, but Luke is able to. Together they work on balancing his draw to the Light with his draw to the Darkness. He is able to remove himself emotionally a little bit from his actions, and see them more clearly instead of through a veil of anger or fear or pain. He hones his skills more objectively, finding the places where they have been lacking and working on them relentlessly until they improve. It is easier when he is no longer so emotionally invested.

Kylo is unnerved for some time about not wearing his mask on in public. He catches people staring at him and whispering. At first, he only imagines their criticisms and jokes, especially about his unconventional appearance. Gradually he becomes more objective about that too. They had stared and pointed at him before when he had the helmet on, but he had been less aware of it because of the way it restricted his vision. He had not even thought of other people at that time, so their opinion had meant nothing.

He begins to recognize that they have their own lives aside from the parts they play for the First Order. He starts to understand that people will always talk about those who rule them, no matter who it is or how well it is done. Their jokes show their fear. Their pointing underscores their desire to impress their fellows with their knowledge, nothing more.

Kylo's aides and underlings sense a change in him, but are unable to articulate it, and attribute it to the removal of the mask. Kylo lets them. It will draw less of Snoke's attention to him if the Supreme Leader thinks he has been appropriately cowed. His administrative performance improves. He is more open to suggestions from his staff, and takes them when he finds them appropriate. They are less fearful of him, and concentrate better in his presence. He still feels their fear, but it has lessened, both of which are good.

 

Sara and Kylo's intimacy improves as they get used to each other and share the little things they had hidden before. They leave the door to the 'fresher open while they use it. The occasional burp or fart is heard. Sometimes Kylo skips a shower. Sporadically he snores.

For her part, Sara stops paying quite so much attention to her appearance. It is more important to be available for Kylo if he shows up unexpectedly than it is to look as good as possible at all times. Sometimes she wears baggy clothes, often his. They bump into each other in passing. She gains a little weight and starts going to yoga with Kylo every day.

Kylo still has enough energy for creative lovemaking on a regular basis, if not every day. One evening he puts his arms around her and begins to whisper in her ear about things he wants to do to her, and things he wants her to do to him. Specific things.

Sara is a little surprised. She has not thought of doing to Kylo what he does to her. Kylo assures her that he will be in charge, and that he will always protect her, but explains that sometimes he too enjoys the same kinds of pain that lift her out of herself into ecstasy. He suggests she stop thinking as much when they make love, and let herself follow her impulses instead. He will not be mad if she does something he doesn't like or accidentally hurts him. He too can stop her actions by using the same safeword he gave her.

When this conversation is done, Kylo brings out a little knife. It looks like it was made to fit his hand, and the tip is sharp, the edge dull. He cuts her clothes off slowly, using the tip of the knife to puncture the fabric, then ripping it to shreds with his hands, pulling it off of her body a piece at a time. The sound the knife makes when it enters the fabric startles her, but not as much as the sound the material makes when it tears. She is aroused watching the strength of his arms and back as he destroys her clothing, the way the muscles ripple as he tears them apart.

When she is naked, he lays her face down on the couch, and tells her she must be very, very still. If she feels that she must move, she needs to warn him. He kneels on the floor beside her, and begins to use the little knife on her body. He lightly lays the sharp tip against her back, and slowly, slowly drags the tip over her skin. The pain intensifies as it crosses her back until Sara thinks she won't be able to take it any more, then it lessens as the knife finishes its journey and starts again.

Never before has a lover used a knife on Sara, and the novelty excites her deeply. The knowledge that this huge man could cut her open if he wished brings a heightened sensitivity to her body. She feels the soft material of the couch underneath her, the warm air wafting around the room as he moves, and the sharp tip of the knife criss crossing her limbs exquisitely.

Sara is not truly afraid of Kylo or the knife, but she knows the danger is real, and finds it easy not to move when the tip of the knife is gliding across her skin.

Then he begins using the knife to explore the flesh of her ass, poking the little knife tip around gently until he finds her ticklish spots. Her own laughter at the sensation startles her, but Kylo is ready and pulls the knife away before it can hurt her. He holds her legs down with one hand while he jabs the knife tip into those places shallowly and quickly with the other, and she struggles not to thrash her legs up and down as she laughs helplessly.

When Kylo has used the little knife to decorate most of her body with scratches, he puts it away and returns to lie next to her, and begins running his mouth over her body. The sensation is indescribable at first, as she feels both heat and cold simultaneously tracing the trails of her scratches. She giggles and jerks, trying to get away from the cold. Finally Kylo turns her over to face him, and she sees that he has a piece of ice in his mouth.

The cold intensifies and retreats, alternating with the movements of his hot tongue as he wets her skin with the melting ice. His lips linger over her nipples, which become sharp and erect under his ministrations. He holds the ice in his cheek as he sucks the nipples so hard she sees stars, then soothes them with the ice. He trails the ice down her body until he reaches the V of her legs, where he teases her by alternating the ice and his tongue until she arches her back and grips his shoulders with her nails.

“Rake them down my back,” he whispers to her, and she does as Kylo makes a small sound of enjoyment.

She never knows whether she is going to feel the heat of his mouth or the cold wet of the ice on her labia, in her pussy, or running back and forth over her clit. She enjoys the sensation of Kylo's soft hair tickling the insides of her thighs during her ecstasy, and his fingers finding their way to secret places of pleasure inside her womb.

Finally the ice is gone, and only his warm tongue remains, softly digging into her clit, tracing the folds of her lips, mouth sucking the most sensitive bit of skin on her body. Her hands tangle in his hair and pull as she writhes against his mouth. His teeth nip her gently -- then not so gently -- and she screams as her orgasm rips through her, torment and exaltation blending together.

 

Kylo seemed no different that morning when he left. He had become more tender with her in the last few days, but she sensed nothing special. They made love after breakfast, then showered together. He asked her not to contact him on the comm until after he returned, but he had done that before and nothing had been amiss. She dressed him as usual, then he kissed her and was out the door, as if today was just like every other day. But it was not.

Sara followed her regular routine of exercising to a holovid, then tidying up and reading some materials she thought would improve her education. If she hadn't known a change in her situation was coming, she might have been restless to see the rest of the ship, or meet new people, but she knew she was only killing time until Kylo implemented his plan.

She wondered what the First Order would look like if he had his way. Would he join forces with the Resistance? Would he want to work with his mother and father, or would he want to avoid them as much as possible? Would they be willing to work with him?

The day wore on without any word from Kylo. The midday meal passed, but she forgot to eat without Kylo's presence. Maybe if she waited, he would turn up a little later. But he didn't. She started to worry. She tried to keep her mind calm with meditation like Kylo did, but she wasn't any good at it.

Kylo's chambers were fairly soundproof, but as the afternoon wore on, Sara heard shouting and some weapons fire outside. It worried her, but there was literally nothing she could do.

She turned on Kylo's reader pad to see if she could get updates on what was happening in the outside world, but many of the civilian feeds were cut off. The only ones she could see were useless: planetary weather, music, video stories.

The official First Order channels were not any better. Many were not operational. The ones that were only listed the names of new classes of warships that were being christened, personnel change updates, updated uniform regulations. She finally found a holovid of some drama involving smugglers and watched it to keep her mind occupied. The long afternoon stretched into the evening.

 

Both Kylo and Luke felt they were ready for what was to come. The First Order fleet had departed from their orbit around the disastrous failure of Starkiller Base and had returned to their previously established missions. Security was no longer on high alert. Hux and Kylo still lived aboard the Finalizer, but were subject to Snoke's beck and call on the Supremacy when necessary. Kylo had seen Snoke less often, as finding the storm trooper and the pilot was no longer a priority, but he continued his faux quest to find his parents' location.

Kylo strove to make that morning seem the same as all the others to Sara. He could not alert her to his plans with Skywalker, and the best thing would be to spare her as much time worrying as possible. He enjoyed their little breakfast routine, and had made love to her afterwards, trying to hold his fear of dying back from her. If this was his last day, then let her remember this time as sweetly as possible.

Kylo went to his regularly scheduled meetings, and put in an urgent request to meet with the Supreme Leader. His aides had not succeeded in their search for his parents' whereabouts, nor did he think they would, but Snoke would not know that. Kylo's aides reported directly to him. He indicated in his message that he had new intel and was ready to start planning his mission to assassinate General Organa and Han Solo. That should get him an audience fairly quickly.

When Kylo received Snoke's summons on the comm, he sent a mental message to Luke, then began putting his mind and his body into a relaxed ready state as he arranged the shuttle to Snoke's ship. Everything was in place, but his stomach still churned acid when he thought about their plan too much.

He endured the short shuttle flight in silence, detaching from his thoughts and relaxing his body. Once aboard the Supremacy, there was no wait to see Snoke. He simply picked up the two knights he had selected to accompany him, and went to the chamber together. He had not needed their help in his fictitious search for his mother and father, but he had told Snoke he would need their support to finally move against his family.

Kylo and his knights entered the huge somber chamber. The knights halted just inside the door rather than follow than Kylo to the throne, and they all fell to one knee in their Leader's presence.

Kylo never did figure out how Luke had gotten aboard the Supremacy.

Certainly “Jedi mind tricks” had played a part, but Luke would never elaborate. He said you had to let old men have their secrets.

Snoke naturally believed that Kylo had delayed implementing Snoke's challenge because of his cowardly attachment to his family, and had therefore given him some slack in his leash. Now he thought Kylo was prepared to do what he had been tasked with.

“Kylo Ren! At last you have found courage enough to attempt to fulfill your destiny,” Snoke's voice boomed through the hall.

“Yes, Supreme Leader. And by the Grace of your Training, I will succeed,” Kylo agreed dutifully.

Snoke's gregarious tone dropped down into one of disappointed acceptance. He exhaled heavily. “I had known that the addition of your father to your family's bloodline would weaken it, but I had never imagined how it much would weaken you.”

Kylo kept his eyes on the floor and his mind as empty as possible. When he thought at all, he imagined his parents as he had seen them last, sending him away forever. He had thought life as he knew it would be coming to an end. He needed them desperately, and hated them fiercely for not loving him enough. It would be an appropriate image for Snoke to see in his mind.

Now Snoke's tone turned to one of self-indulgent contemplation. “I should have stolen you at birth so I could raise you myself.” He sighed. “At the time, I was grappling with the demise of the Empire and trying to build the First Order from nothing. If I had known how badly infected you would be with your family's brainwashing, I might have changed my priorities.”

Snoke's attitude changed again to one of encouragement, no doubt meant to shore Kylo up after battering him down. Kylo was meant to feel gratitude that the Supreme Leader had taken such an interest in him, even if he had not always chosen the right action. Snoke's voice told him that he should be flattered, and that he should give his best in order to please his mentor.

Next would be the dramatic build up. Kylo wondered that he hadn't recognized these patterns earlier, but it had been so difficult when he had been emotionally involved.

“Now you will finally undertake your greatest mission. If you succeed, it will be your highest accomplishment.”

His gaze narrowed to Kylo's eyes and tried to worm its way into his head. Kylo felt extremely subtle elements of the Force being used to try to shape his thoughts and feelings into what Snoke desired.

“Matricide and patricide are unforgivable sins. Extraordinary men throughout history have committed these sins in order to change their destinies and transform themselves into Gods. Your turn approaches.”

Snoke's face went abruptly blank. His lifted his head up and he looked to his right, opposite the long walkway visitors used for audiences.

Two scarlet curtains that covered the walls parted, and out strode a figure known in legend. Older and somewhat heavier than he had been as a young Jedi, he still wore the black uniform he had worn as a youth, subconsciously matching Kylo. Luke Skywalker entered the Throne Room as if by magic.

“It's not his turn that approaches, Snoke. It's yours!”

Kylo was astonished by Luke's appearance. In his dreams, his uncle had always looked the same way he had at the Jedi Academy, and he had pictured him like that during their psychic discussions. He saw he had been mistaken if he had thought his uncle was the same man he had been when he had first trained his nephew.

This man was older, much more careworn. His hair and his short beard were tinged with white. He held himself like a warrior, though, despite the advance of his middle age, and Kylo found a new respect for him. The blue of Luke's eyes was still bright, as was the intelligence behind those eyes.

Snoke's own faded blue eyes looked out from under bushy brows at his enemy. Kylo could see the picket fence of crooked teeth in Snoke's mouth when it opened in an “O” of surprise.

Snoke stood up quickly, his ancient body energized by his alarm. “Skywalker! You dare!” his voice rang out.

Luke continued forward without replying.

The Praetorian Guards flowed into action, pairing up as they had trained to do for long years. Kylo and his knights stayed motionless, as if impartial, watching the conflict unfold.

Snoke's gray face cracked into a smile as Force electricity flew from his fingers to the floor, then bounced to Skywalker. “You cannot stand against me!” he roared.

When Kylo had seen Snoke use this power before - and felt it himself - he would have sworn it was instantaneous. But Luke had drawn his lightsaber, ignited it, and positioned it to meet the lightning coming toward him before it struck. If Luke's speed had surprised Kylo, the way his uncle's blue blade not only met the lightning, but seemed to suck the energy into itself, astounded him.

“I cannot be defeated!” Snoke thundered as the electrical shock flew from his gnarled hands. Once again, Luke's movements were too fast to see as he parried the lightning.

Luke continued to advance, and Snoke changed tactics. His gold robe gleamed and his smile widened through the scar tissue of his mouth. He sounded downright jovial. “I had thought to have your nephew hunt you down, but you have been kind enough to come to me.”

The Praetorians had paused after forming a defensive ring around their leader, but did not appear inclined to interfere in his duel unless necessary.

Snoke was enjoying himself. “I appreciate your courtesy, another hallmark of the Jedi.”

Then his voice became dire once again. “However, after I have given you the death you so clearly long for, the Jedi order will be no more.”

Snoke's full attention was on Skywalker. He was using the Force to help his aging body move as if he were still young. He glided across the stage and down the dias toward his enemy as if drawn by the thrum of the blue lightsaber.

The lightning crackled again. Luke parried these, but not as effortlessly as the last time. He seemed to be tiring.

“I corrupted and seduced your nephew right under his mother's nose,” Snoke crowed. He was drawing every bit of energy he could scrounge from the Dark side.

He threw the lightening at Luke once again, and this time it almost got through Luke's defenses. He too was using the Force, but it was all he could do to prevent the electricity from reaching his aging body. He was breathing heavily, and his stance had weakened.

“I lured you into your pathetic attempt to rebuild the Jedi order just so you could save your worthless nephew.” Snoke's voice held the contempt he felt for Luke's efforts.

Praetorian guards in their scarlet armor slowly and carefully closed in on the Jedi. He seemed to be losing, but they knew of his power and would not underestimate him. Luke Skywalker had been a legend for as long as they had been alive.

“When you saw his strength in the Force, I used the Dark side to draw your fear and ignite your hatred, compelling you to kill him.”

Snoke seemed to be gaining strength rather than using it up, as he moved toward Luke. “The boy destroyed everything you built! He wiped out all the potential Jedi you had managed to find. And just like that! You were wiped from the board, preferring exile to disgrace!”

Luke was gradually lowering his lightsaber in his exhaustion. It seemed as if Snoke's words were having the desired effect.

“Then the boy was mine! He had nowhere else to go. Soon he will be only Skywalker left alive, and I will control the bloodline that will rule the galaxy!”

Skywalker sent the barest of glances to his nephew before he suddenly advanced to attack the Supreme Leader.

He never even got close, as the red guards surrounded him and ignited their own electro magnetic weapons. Snoke was mesmerized as Luke disabled one and killed another immediately, delighted to see that the odds of Skywalker defeating them all were greatly against him.

Snoke had just a second to wonder at the Jedi's small smile as it became a savage grin. He had forgotten all about Kylo and his knight, secure in his belief that he controlled them.

Snoke's howl of anguish gladdened Kylo's heart as he plunged his crimson lightsaber into the being who had tormented him for so long. His war cry resonated throughout the hall as he harnessed his rage to destroy the one who had done the most to shape it.

Snoke's guards hesitated only a second. If their leader had been killed, they would avenge his death. Two pairs reeled away from Skywalker toward Kylo, whose lightsaber they had not heard ignite over the melee. His fury finally assuaged, Kylo turned to face them as his knights joined him in battle.

The guards' training had included split offenses, but this situation was unprecedented. The possibility of four attackers had not even been considered, and it divided their forces. The pairs split again to take on the newcomers. It was still two against one, however, and the odds were on their side. The tails of their long red tunics flew as the whirled about the Throne Room.

Luke's weakness had only been a feint, of course, which he had planned with Kylo previously. It had given Kylo and his knights the opportunity to ignite their weapons and get into place while Snoke and the guards were preoccupied with the old Jedi.

Sparks shot into the air as the guards' ultrasonic weapons met lightsabers. These sparks ignited small flames in the fabric walls, which became large fires that threw off their own sparks and rained embers.

Kylo was well versed in the guards' fighting style, and he used it to his advantage. They spun gracefully, using their momentum to increase the force of their bladed weapons. Kylo spun in place and kept more than one from attacking him at a time by moving faster than they could compensate for.

The guard who had attacked Luke recovered his fallen partner's weapon and turned it toward Skywalker, who dispatched him just as quickly, only to have to take on another pair immediately.

Kylo acquired a long staff used by one of the guards and brandished it effectively against two opponents at once until it was jerked from his hand by a whip-like weapon. Neither Kylo nor the guards were averse to simply hitting or kicking an opponent to advance their attack, following it up with more powerful impacts from their weapons. Kylo received their blows in silence, grunting with effort only during his attacks, accompanied by the crackle and hiss of his lightsaber. His hurried assessment of the fighting was each knight engaging with one guard, while he and his uncle took on a pair each.

Luke Skywalker was still able to outfight his nephew, and killed two more Praetorians before coming to Kylo's aid. The younger man had managed to disable one of his foes, but the other had disarmed him. Now the guard was using his staff in a choke hold against Kylo that prevented Kylo from escaping. His oxygen was cut off, and he felt himself fading, calling on the Force to help him before he succumbed. He felt his airway fill with oxygen just as Luke took off the top of the guard's head with a sweeping stroke of his saber. So the man who had considered killing Kylo so many years ago now saved his life in more ways than one.

Kylo looked around the room as he got his wind back, and saw that no Praetorians remained. His knights joined him immediately.

Luke was stunned by Kylo's appearance immediately after the battle. He was panting, and his hair was dripping sweat, but his face shone with confidence and self-possession. And peace. Through the Force, Luke could sense peace in his nephew's head for the first time ever.

Luke joined the little group that was glowing with triumph. The entire operation had been a terrible risk, but it had been the only plan that seemed feasible to both Luke and Kylo. “We don't have long,” Kylo told them. “Hux will be here any minute to investigate.”

Luke agreed. “We cannot take over this ship, much less the fleet, through fire power alone. Ben, you are now the rightful heir to the throne. Do you still think our plan will work?”

“With enough bravado, it will,” Kylo assured him. Swaggering courage was one of the things they both had in spades. “Everyone will be shocked to see you. They will never expect an alliance between us. If we present a united front with enough confidence, we can pull this off.”

Kylo wiped his forehead with his sleeve, then ascended the dias to Snoke's throne, which was now his. Luke accompanied him, saber in hand, but dormant. The knights took their places a little farther away, new guards for the new Supreme Leader.

“Our people are in place aboard the Finalizer and the Sovereign,” Kylo confirmed after checking his comm. “We're ready.”

 

Sara had almost fallen asleep when the holovid she was watching was interrupted. The First Order's official seal filled the screen, and martial music began to play. She tried a few of the other channels and saw the same thing.

After several minutes, the screen cut to a shot of the bridge of the Supremacy, which Sara was seeing for the first time. Kylo was standing in front of some odd shaped windows that showed the emptiness of space. A thin, constipated-looking man she recognized as Hux stood to one side of him, and on the other was older man with a beard whom she didn't recognize. The tall woman in the bronzed armor she had seen on Jakku - Phasma - was off to the side with a squadron of storm troopers.

Sara was astonished to learn that Kylo had staged a coup d'etat. He was now the Supreme Leader of the First Order, and his senior advisor was Luke Skywalker, the man with the beard. Sara felt light headed, and was glad she was already sitting down. She wondered what had happened to Snoke, and whether anyone else knew Kylo and Skywalker were related. Skywalker hadn't been seen or heard from for years.

Kylo looked better than she had ever seen him, even back on Jakku. His eyes were perhaps a bit tired, but he was the very picture of successful leadership: calm, mature, measured and confident. Benevolent even. The man who had cried in the shower, the one who was being slowly torn apart, was nowhere to be seen.

After Kylo spoke, Skywalker addressed the audience, saying that the First Order had entered a new alliance with the Resistance, and treaties were being drawn up as they spoke. All fighting between these allies was to cease immediately until the agreements had been completed. That loosened something in Sara's chest that she hadn't realized had been tight for weeks.

The announcement was short, and the screen went dark, then returned to previous programming as soon as it was finished. Sara looked at the reader feeds and found replays of the announcement she had just seen, plus the official feeds from a number of First Order command positions pledging fealty to their new leaders.

Other channels held new instructions for various planetary governments and orders for military units. Some civilian channels were showing interviews with military leaders and ordinary people, most of whom expressed support for the new alliance.

Sara found a vid from General Organa herself verifying the cease-fire and issuing code-named orders to various Resistance cells and operations. Distantly Sara remembered that this was Kylo's mother. She wondered if they had spoken, or if everything had been done through emissaries. She hoped they would speak soon if they hadn't already. Kylo had displayed a new willingness to reconsider his parents recently, but she didn't know how long it would be before that took hold.

This outcome was beyond her wildest dreams. She had hoped she and Kylo could get away together, just as she had hoped the Resistance would be able to effect meaningful change, but to have them allied filled her with hope. She moved around the channels haphazardly, watching different footage.

Eventually, however, as the hours continued to stretch out with no word from Kylo, she began to worry. She hadn't eaten or drank for hours. She knew that she was too tired and too stressed to be making sense, but she started to entertain fears that she would not fit into the new configuration of Kylo's life.

Kylo would be free to live however he wanted now, but would his new life include a place for a destitute forger from the Resistance? She thought not. Why would he need her anymore? He would have the support of his family and millions of women in both the First Order and the Resistance would idolize him as a hero. He would have his pick of them.

Sara didn't think she could stand to stay on this ship if Kylo discarded her, watching his new life from a painful distance. If she were lucky, he would support her return to the Resistance, where she might be able to find a legitimate job. If they let her return, after the way she had betrayed her comrades on Jakku.

The circumscribed life she had been living about the Finalizer had been hard to get used to, but a life without Kylo Ren seemed utterly unsupportable. She had fallen for him too quickly, given him her heart too easily and completely. It had been extremely unwise and she punished herself for it now.

Sara should have remembered who he was, his rank in the scheme of things. His importance to the galaxy.

She briefly considered that he might offer her a place as his mistress, keeping her secretly aboard his ship, or visiting her occasionally when other sources of amusement failed to pan out. She thought that would actually be worse. He would not be himself to her anymore, and she would be merely a pleasant but meaningless distraction for him. It would be painful for her to see him, still harboring love for him, while he felt nothing for her. She felt herself spiraling into despair.

She decided that when Kylo came home, she should try to act happy for him, putting her shame and grief away and celebrating the new peace. The thought threatened to break her to pieces.

She realized she was crying when she finally heard Kylo's comm signal. She rushed to the console, but soon realized it was only a text telling her he would see her soon. Not that he would be home with her soon, or that he loved her, but that he would merely see her, probably as he went about moving his furnishings to the Leader's chambers.

He might forget about her entirely, and not even get her a place with the Resistance or a job aboard the ship. How would she survive long enough to get off the Finalizer and find a place for herself with no friends and no contacts? The difficulty seemed insurmountable.

Sara went to wash her face and clear her eyes before she heard from Kylo again. She wanted to present a good appearance if he came to see her. She heard the door open and close again before she had finished. Quietly she entered the main space of Kylo's chambers.

Kylo was there with his uncle, and his eyes were shining. He had a smile on his face that she had never seen. He was relaxed and. . . happy, that was it. He seemed happy.

When he turned to her, she saw his smile head on, and didn't know if her heart could stand it. When he rushed over and hugged her, she felt a momentary rush of hope, but drowned it as quickly as possible.

When Kylo pulled away from the embrace, he knew something was wrong immediately. His beautiful eyes searched her face. “Oh, baby, baby, what's wrong?”

She shook her head, unable to speak. He pulled her more gently into his arms, and stroked her hair. “Sara, it's going to be okay. We can be together now. Nothing bad is going to happen. I'm free now. We can do what we want. I'm here, baby.”

She pulled back a little to look at his face, this smiling, dark-haired man who looked much younger than he had when she had last seen him, and dared to take heart. “We can still be together?”

“Of course!” he reassured her, still presenting her with that slightly unfamiliar face. “Of course we can. We can get married or have kids or whatever we want to do. I'll need to stay here at least for awhile for the transition, but we won't have to stay forever if we don't want to. Will you stay here with me until we can decide what we want to do?” His voice sounded sincere, and she realized she had hungered for a chance to see Kylo happy this way.

“You want me to stay with you?” she asked hesitantly.

He pulled her into a fierce embrace. “Oh, yes, baby. Of course. I love you. I want to be with you forever.”

“I love you, too,” Sara said quietly, feeling so much relief she doubted her senses.

He loosened his arms and pulled back to look at her. “You forgot to eat again, and got all stressed out, didn't you? Just like that first night?”

Sara heard it as an accusation, and hardly dared look into his eyes. But they were kinder now, and she couldn't look away once she saw them. He wasn't accusing her of anything. He was concerned for her.

Kylo kissed her on the top of her head, and on her forehead and her cheek, before zeroing in on her lips and giving her the softest, deepest kiss she had ever felt. When they came up for air, he looked into her eyes again. “Are you okay now?”

Her arms squeezed around his waist. “Yes. If we can be together, yes.”

He gave her one last quick kiss on the lips, then turned the both of them around. “Okay, then I want you to meet someone. Sara, this is my uncle, Luke Skywalker. Luke, this is Sara. She's the one who helped me.”

The face of the older man in front of her smiled warmly as he reached out a hand to her, then pulled her into a hug. “Welcome to the family, Sara. And thank you. For everything.”

Sara couldn't believe she was talking to Luke Skywalker, but her amazement at the situation was overcome by her relief that Kylo had come back for her. She entertained a quick thought that she could stand whatever happened as long as they were together, but put it away quickly. She had been raised to be independent, and she didn't like thinking that way.

Still, it was what she wanted. She would find a way to be independent with him, she thought, laughing to herself. And now she was a part of a family again, one that shared the same goals she did. It was almost too good to be true, but she had been through so much she didn't doubt she deserved it.

Kylo took her in his arms again and kissed her, and she kissed him back enthusiastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading this, then you have my full appreciation for finishing it. It's my fan fiction in years, and I spent a long time on it. 
> 
> Thanks to my girlfriend, Chris, who helped me figure out how to end this. I may have slightly mislead the reader with the direction this last chapter took, but I hope it is a pleasant surprise. I also wanted to throw a shout out to the great Throne Room scene in The Last Jedi. 
> 
> I wanted to show how much Kylo had changed during the course of the story. Sara changed too, but not as much. I didn't think it was too much of a stretch for her to have another anxiety attack at this point. Now Kylo knows what to do about it, so maybe it won't be as much of a problem going forward. 
> 
> I had to give this story a happy ending. I have trouble even contemplating a sad ending for Kylo. So I am biased, but I hope the ending was reasonable anyway. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading my story. I'd love to read any comments you make about it, and of course, Kudos harvest my crops and clear up my acne.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't take too long establishing Sara as a character. 
> 
> Kylo is more brusque and less likable in this chapter, but he's going to have some character development.
> 
> I watched the Blu-Ray of that scene several times to try to get it right. I also used some information from the novelization of The Force Awakens by Alan Dean Foster and background from The Force Awakens: The Visual Dictionary by Pablo Hidalgo. The screenplay was by Lawrence Kasdan, J.J. Abrams & Michael Arndt.
> 
> I'm a pop culture connoisseur, and I have put a few homages into my story. For example, the phrase "Down on All Fours" is a tribute to that episode of Girls, with Adam Driver as Adam Sackler. If something in the story reminds you of something else, it's probably deliberate. I'd love to hear about any you suspect in the comments or any other constructive criticism. I hope you enjoyed it.


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